query still fussing over it....help

Discussion in 'Writing' started by iBel29, Mar 6, 2012.

  1. iBel29

    iBel29 Registered User

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    Mmm query is running at 302 with the last bit of writer-bio. I would appreciate any advice or suggestions...

    Dear Agent,

    Every winter, when the storms go wild, leaving behind a wake of soul-altered bodies, those who remain mistakenly believe the storms are to blame. Sixteen-year-old Emma Blekbyrd learns the reason—people in the skies hunt humans. Big, hefty men with red-irises swept down on their town in flashes of lightning. One of them attacked leaving her with a scar where the lightning touched her. It frightens her; she can feel it feeding into her soul, trying to kill her.

    She meets Sam, the boy who has to take the captured humans to Eden Falls, an island populated with Souls and Ghosts in need of life. It’s the season for hunting humans and the accumulation of souls increases the pressure on the Red-Iris Men to bring in more bodies, which introduces the new law of Eden Falls: Derelicts, humans failed in being taken are now considered its property and henceforth still wanted.

    Emma is unaware that she’s a Derelict. With the scar reducing her life on earth she only wants to do one thing: show the world the truth about the storms. Sam, possessing the body of her classmate, shows her that death does not offer freedom—he has lost the ability to touch, smell, feel and even love—in death or suicide she would automatically be a soul-slave to Eden Falls. Forgetting the bitterness of love and its immutable effects Emma discovers the other side of freedom, love is more powerful than death. Being with Sam forever is her world now.

    Complete at 90,000 words, EDEN FALLS is a YA fantasy told from two POV’s. My novella won first category in the Bessie Head Literature Awards and is due for publication in June.

    I would love to send you a sample if you are interested. Thank you for your time and consideration.
     
    Last edited: Mar 6, 2012
  2. N. E. White

    N. E. White tmso Staff Member

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    I do like this one better, but...something is missing...details that would explain the love thing better. Maybe simpler is better, maybe just:

    Forgetting (maybe a better word that forgetting, maybe eschewing?) the one thing he's not supposed to, Sam falls in love with a Derelict. The last thing Emma ever needed in life, or death, was another lover to betray her.

    Or something like that...
     
  3. N. E. White

    N. E. White tmso Staff Member

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    Oh, also, I would give the title of your novella.
     
  4. iBel29

    iBel29 Registered User

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    oooh thanks

    I just edited it and didn't realise you were commenting, but thanks for both and I decided to cut it a bit down. Lol tmso the reason I don't give the title is because it's so long and I'm so concerned about wordcount, humph will fit it in though, thanks hey