Vacancy ~ Adventurer

Discussion in 'Collaborative Stories' started by juzzza, Mar 15, 2004.

  1. juzzza

    juzzza Loveable Rogue

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    Vacancy ~ Adventurer

    We have an exciting and challenging vacancy within our winning team for an adventurer. The successful candidate will be competent with a sword, hold a clean riding licence (horse preferred) and have at least five year's experience in questing.

    If you believe you are the right person for the job (loveable rogue inc. believes in equal opportunities), send a letter along with your CV, which highlights your experience and explains why you should be considered for the post.
     
  2. choppy

    choppy The Great Flying Bear

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    Dear Sir or Madam,

    I like to apply for avetiz... addertiiz... um, posted position of adventure. I is good worker. Work for cheep. Will fight evil for food. Not need horse. Not need sword. I write resume and attach.

    Come to miserable bog if you want me work for you. If come, ignore giant spiders in garden and zombies stuck in bog. They may look like they want to eat humans, but they just kidding.

    Resume for Cromwell J. Hornsmash

    Experience:
    3 yrs: Smashing elves with mace and shield as footman in ogre queen's Iron Guard

    2 yrs: Moved up to mounted patrolman. Smashed elves with mace and sometimes spear or lance. Mostly mace smashing though. Sometimes have to smash horse if too slow.

    1 yr: Tracking and smashing dwarfs in Caves of Chaos.

    2 yrs: Promoted to sergeant. Smashed other ogres when they not line up right. Learned how to make good lines for smashing elves. Some village burning.

    Special Skills
    Smashing things and people.
    Pulling arms and legs off of elves who won't talk.
    Speak lots of languages - most people understand mace in face.
    Forming lines.
    Can carry lots.


    Personal Notes
    In spare time enjoy theatre and lying on belly in sun.
    I not steal much and don't like smoke.

    References
    Mostly dead.
     
  3. juzzza

    juzzza Loveable Rogue

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    Dear Mr. Hornsmash,

    Thank you for your short but sweet letter, which enclosed your... 'colorful' CV for our perusal.

    I was not aware that the 'Adventurer Gazette' had reached the Ogre Bogs and whilst delighted to receive your application, at this time, I regret to inform you that we will not be inviting you along for an interview... Mostly because we like our arms and legs where they belong.

    If you would like to discuss this matter further, please feel free to contact me in about two weeks (when I am away on the quest).

    Kind regards

    Your sincerely

    Juzzza
     
  4. kahnovitch

    kahnovitch Kiss my axe!

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    To whom it may concern,

    In response to the advertised vacancy for adventurers for a "quest", I have enclosed my current CV for your attention.


    Thank you for your time,


    Name: Kahn the Berserker (or just plain Kahn to my mates)

    Current occupation: Freelance Hacker.

    D.O.B: Too many to mention as my soul has been reincarnated in many forms since around 50 BC

    Age; Current incarnation: 33

    Most pertinent experience. In no particular order.

    Heavy cavalryman alongside Attila (nice bloke btw throws a good party) 3 years.

    Champion gladiator in Rome. Signed up voluntarily after Attila’s death, not enslaved. 2 years.

    Gladiator instructor. Learned good “man-management” skills. 7 years.

    Corsair for a Greek shipping company; 5 years.

    Bounty Hunter for Turkish Shipping company; 3 Years

    Ranger and scout for Mongol Horde 6 months (just stayed long enough to refine archery and riding skills)

    3 years in Far east, mostly security work for a Lord Takeda as personal Yojimbo. Picked up useful staelth and assassination techniques and was given a custom made “No-Dachi” longsword for my valued service in helping to reclaim the Shogunate.

    7 years as Tribal Leader of Celtic Clan (got a bit homesick and needed to sow some wild oats.)

    Skills and Strengths

    Archery . Class two marksman with Longbow.
    Specialist with two handed weapons i.e. long-swords and Battle axes (personal fave)
    Expert Horsemen due to Hun and Mongol training.
    Equally good as a team leader or team player.
    Have certificates in “advanced battlefield tactics” and “Ley-line power manipulation.”
    Berserker Rage, in built ability to transform into a veritable Hulk and slaughter hundreds of men in battle (comes in handy sometimes)

    Hobbies and Interests.

    Acquiring new weapons and magical items, drinking, wenching, camping outdoors, travelling, pagan and wicca magic, learning new skills (mostly to do with slaying)
     
  5. juzzza

    juzzza Loveable Rogue

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    Dear Mr. the Berserker,

    Thank you for your recent correspondence relating to our vacancy for an adventurer.

    Your application certainly made interesting reading and you undoubtedly have all the skills and abilities required to join our winning team.

    Before I schedule an interview I wonder if you could respond to the following queries.

    Your berserker rage whilst undeniably handy in a fix, is it indiscriminate or are you able to direct your rage... Just hate to have to post more vacancies to fill the roles of our team members your hulk-form pulps into man jam.

    Also, whilst your reincarnation cycle is fascinating, it doesn't seem to leave too many living references... Much like an Ogre who recently applied... Are you able to supply references?

    Thanks in advance

    Juzzza
    Loveable Rogue Inc.
     
  6. kahnovitch

    kahnovitch Kiss my axe!

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    Dear Mr Rogue,

    Thank you for your prompt response.

    The Berserker Rage is of course equipped with the latest "Friend or foe" software allowing it to discriminate between the two.

    As for references I have a special belt I keep with the shrunken heads of all my fallen enemies. Amongst them you will find Japanese Lords, Roman generals and a host of highly dignified people from throughout the ages and lands.
    If you would like a reference you can come along to the village and hear the lamented cries of their trapped souls, which have preserved by our Shaman for all eternity (it prevents them from also reincarnating and trying to get some beyond the grave payback).
    They can tell of my past deeds and battles whilst we sit around the fire and enjoy some Celtic home brew and pipe smoke and watch the ritual naked dance of the village's young virgin girls in their "Ascension to Womanhood" ceremony.

    Please let me know if you find this a suitable arrangement


    Kahn the Berserker.
     
  7. Expendable

    Expendable infomaniac

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    "Hmmm," Gina said thoughtfully, tapping the ad. "This could be interesting... Mya!"

    She put down the paper and stared at her raven-haired companion, lying face down in her folded arms and snoring softly.

    "Mya, wake up!" she scowled, shaking her arm. "I think I found us a job!"
    "I don't care," Mya moaned. "I've got a hang over."
    "If you didn't drink so much you wouldn't have days like this," Gina smirked, holding out the paper for Mya to see. "C'mon, I think I found us a job. Look!"

    Mya lifted her head, raised her right eyebrow then took the paper.

    "Urgent need for sacrificial virgins..." she read dryly.
    "Not that one! Three down."
    "Vacancy ~ Adventurer. We have an exciting and challenging vacancy within our winning team...."

    Gina waved at the bar maid, calling her over and whispering in her ear as Mya read the ad. Nodding, the barmaid left for the kitchen.
    "What does this mean, 'clean driving record, horse prefered'?" Mya demanded, grumpily. "Am I suppose to hire some kid off the street to sweep after my horse?"

    The barmaid returned, plopping down two bowls of gruel. Mya stared at it then at Gina.
    "That's not my breakfast I hope."
    "Yes it is. It'll help with your head."
    "Not if my stomach has anything to say about it."
    "Oh come on, it won't hurt you and its better for you than that greasy food you eat all the time," Gina stated firmly, picking up her spoon and taking a bite. "Besides, if you think its bad now, wait until it gets cold."
    "Yes mother," Mya grumbled, making a face as she tried a spoonful.

    "So what do you think?"
    "About gruel?" Mya mumbled, frowning.
    "No, the job!"
    "Looks better than the gruel."
    "So you want to apply for it?"
    "Its that or try to get hired as guards for another caravan."
    "Great! We'll go hire a scribe after breakfast. I think you should send them that woodcut of you wearing that split chainmail that shows off your chest."
    "Don't know why you made me get that thing," Mya sighed, stirring her gruel, "but its better than that woodcut of me fighting the dragon."
    "Oh! That one where you're naked with a knife?" Gina demanded. "What were you thinking, fighting a dragon like that?"
    "I wasn't naked! I just stripped off my armor. Ever wonder why dragons like virgins? They don't flame them like the knights, they bring them back to their lair. Once it smelled me, it let me get close enough where I could stab it with my poisoned dagger."
    "But why would it think..." Gina paused, then stared at Mya. "You're a VIRGIN?"
    "Not so loud, I don't think everyone heard you," Mya winced, her face burning. She glanced around the almost empty taven room in embarrassment.
    "But I've heard stories...."
    "So have I," Mya shrugged. "Damn liars.
    "Haven't you um, ever been curious?"
    "Sure, but I was always bigger than the boys in my village, and there was my father. He'd give every boy who came to our farm a crazy look then just sit at the table, sharpening his sword. And if that didn't scare them, the goblin raid on my village did. Slaying twenty-three goblins by myself made even my father nervous. Why did you think I started adventuring, anyway?"
    "I uh, wasn't sure," Gina faltered, her face burning slightly. She stared down into her bowl of gruel and sighed heavily. "I might as well be a virgin now. Lately any guy who shows any interest in me suddenly cools off and leaves. Nobody's making any offers. When was the last time you got an offer?"
    "Three days ago, when we had that dinner at the palace."
    "At the palace?" Gina demanded, surprised.
    "Prince Pellas."
    "What happened?"
    "I uh, turned him down," Mya shrugged, her face burning.
    "Why? He was cute!"
    "He wanted both of us," Mya scowled, "together.He heard some stories too."
    "WHAT?!?"

    ***************************
    Dear Sirs,

    having read your advertisement in the Adventurer's Guild Weekly, I would like to apply for the position of 'Adventurer'.

    I learned to swordfight from my father, the noted adventurer and berserker Erik the Half-Hand of the West Wilderness and slayed 23 goblins during a raid on my village when I was a maid of 15 years.

    I have taken part in many quests, which many bards of good reputation can recite to you for a small fee, most notably my last quest where I slayed a dragon with my dagger.

    Besides myself, I have my good companion Gina, two horses and my wolf Oddida.

    Enclosed please find a woodcut of me and my resume. I can be reached at the Sword and Barrel Tavern of Hull City.

    Myairyae of the West Wilderness


    Experience:
    Six months Caravan Guard.
    One year of gladiator fighting in Celestial City.
    One year of bodyguard for Lord Sumas of Celestial City.
    Two years five months of privateering aboard the Vigilance with Captain Hyerr.
    Two years eight months with the chartered adventuring crew 'Scarlet Vengence'.
    Currently unemployed.

    Skills:
    Extensive experience in use of sword, mace, battle axe, longbow and spear.
    Skilled rider and climber.
    Can sail boats and ships.
    Speak seven languages.

    References:
    Adventurer's Guild
    Captain Hyerr, Vigilance
    Lemer Smithson, Dwarf warrior, surviving member of Scarlet Vengence. Mt. Delmar Mines.
    Jimmy the Hand, Human rogue, surviving member of Scarlet Vengence, imprisoned Hull City.
    Elrohir Vardamir, Elven warrior, suviving member of Scarlet Vengence, Forests of Celma.
     
    Last edited: Mar 16, 2004
  8. Dawnstorm

    Dawnstorm Master Obfuscator

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    Hello, there.

    Barnabas Reed at your service.

    My profession: Gambler.

    If you'r clever, you won't believe a thing I tell you. If you're not, I'm not going to travel with you. So I spare you self-praise, made up cv complete with references, not dead but notoriously hard to track down. All I've ever really done is help vanquish the Aimless One, who may or may not have existed in the first place, depending on your philosophy.

    So invite me or don't. If you turn me down, could you please include the phrase "as you're pretty useless" (I have my reasons).

    I hope you have a lovely adventure with or without me.

    Yours "sincerely",

    Reed

    P.S.: Please note that the meaning of the word "service" (as used above) is open to interpretations deviating from yours.
     
  9. Kirby

    Kirby Hlœgiligr!

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    *hands over a business card on which the following is printed*

    Kung Fu cultured, Axes wielded, Meads quaffed, Learned in Ancient Languages.
    Photographs Taken, Art Endeavoured, Collector of Swords and other things that go "cut".
    Bane of Traffic Cones, Illuminator of Letters, Washer of Dishes (Once a week, and only on Sundays.)
    Piano Playing, Puppeteering, Pea Shelling and Foot Masseuse.
    Midnight Skater, Loud Contralto (Control variable), Girl Next Door.
    Kind to Cats.
    Reader of Books, Booker of Tickets.
    Additional Rhyming free of charge.
    Illustrator, Animator, Multi-multimediator,
    Pencil-Paper-Stickytapor.
     
  10. Kirby

    Kirby Hlœgiligr!

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    And on behalf of Beorn the Reluctant.

    "No."

    He pauses for further thought.

    "I think you should take the Berserker. They are handy."
     
  11. juzzza

    juzzza Loveable Rogue

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    FAO Myairyae

    Care of: Sword and Barrel Tavern of Hull City.

    Dear Mya,

    We were delighted to receive your application for our recently advertised vacancy.

    I must admit that I thought you had perished on the Scarlet Vengeance. I am pleased you are still alive and must say that your exploits are legendary, and not just your adventuring I might add!

    A colleague of mine knew your father very well and if you have some of his heart... And not to mention the Berserker ability of Erik the Half-Hand, I would very much enjoy the opportunity to interview you. Of course your companions are welcome to join you, as you all need to be happy with us as we are to be happy with you.

    A message will arrive shortly with a time and place...

    All the best

    Juzzza
    Loveable Rogue Inc.
     
  12. juzzza

    juzzza Loveable Rogue

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    Dear Mr Reed,

    Thank you for your confusing correspondence.

    One of the qualities we are looking for in the right person to fill the vacancy, is the ability to be vague when quizzed about the activities of Loveable Rogue Inc.

    I have to say that I am unsure if in your letter, you are actually applying for the job or not... And I like that.

    A Gambler is of little use to us however, reading between the lines, the successful applicant should be willing to 'gamble' his life upon joining our quest, if not put his life on the line to fulfil it.

    A message will arrive shortly with a time and place... Accept it or not, as the case may be.

    And as for your 'services', whilst the offer is tempting, your loyalty is what we are after in the first instance.

    Kind regards, and regard these regards how you choose.

    Juzzza
    Loveable Rogue Inc.
     
  13. juzzza

    juzzza Loveable Rogue

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    Dear Tblue,

    You may recall that following a disagreement with some fellows in the Pig's Arse Tavern, and after beating them into an apology, you handed me your business card.

    I am the gentleman who was discussing a vacancy for an adventurer with you before the above mentioned buffoons, knocked over our drinks.

    I am interested in your axe wielding abilities and indeed, a skill with languages is an advantage. I must confess that I have no idea what the rest of your card means, I have never heard of photographs, pencils, animators or traffic cones.

    None the less, you have already proven your fighting abilities, as has your little Norse friend and I would like to invite you along for an interview.

    A message will arrive shortly with the time and place.

    All the best

    Juzzza
    Loveable Rogue Inc.

    P.S. A shame your companion is not interested, his psychic ability would come in handy... How on earth did he know that a Berserker has applied for the position!!!
     
  14. Richardb

    Richardb I like what I like...

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    Dear Sir:
    I have the pleasure of being known as Nasim, and I would be most pleased to join in your endeavor. I have been, you see, without employment for some time, and believe I could be just the man you are looking for. You see, my life has been dedicated to the quest for knowledge, and I believe that those skills will easily transfer to what you need. I have studied up on all the relevant texts around swordsmanship, and see no reason I should not be able to put this knowledge to use upon request. I have seen a horse, and even ridden in several cariages, and can't see any reason that I could not ride one. Please see my enclosed CV. I look forward to working with you and your esteamed partners.

    Name: Nasim Harsworth III

    Current Occupation: Pursuit of self actualization through the ongoing attainment of knowledge.

    Carreer Goals: To work as part of a team that provides access to knowledge and respects the quallities of each individual.

    Key Skills: Fluency in forty languages, sewing, netotiations, lawn bowling, and I can cook an excellent Orange Trout.

    Experience: Seventeen years as a professor of literature, three years as a personal tutor, and two years as a manservant to Lord Assvane.

    Education: Attended the School of Ancient History, earning my Masters in History, and earned a Masters in Literary sciences from the Guild of Publishers. Recently earned a certificate in the Theoretical use of Arms and Armament from the local Arms Guild as part of their ongoing lecture series.

    Hobbies: Painting, cooking, and teaching the poor and underpriveledged the skills of bathing and cleanliness.

    References: Upon Request
     
  15. JRMurdock

    JRMurdock Where have I been?

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    "BLARG!"

    Willie tore the sign from the wall and chewed it into small bits and spat them on the floor. He then smashed with his battle-axe the tree that held the simple posting.

    "I repeat, BLARG!" Wille screamed. "This here job is mine and ya ain't gonna do nuthin' 'bout it. Now all ya sissys can go home and let a real dwarf take this job."

    "Braaaaaaap!"

    Even Willie was offended by his loud belch. He took a moment to calm himself, then sat on the chair (where'd the chair come from?) and proceeded to comb his red beard. His beard was the only thing about him that was neat. His clothes were torn and soiled, his helmet was dirty and dented and his red hair hung in long dreads. By his beard was clean (I said that, didn't I?) and he wore a jovial face.

    "I'm short and stout, a drinking lout," Willie proclaimed. "If'n ya can provide enough Dwarven ale, I'm yer dwarf. I cannot give ya a resume as I've hit my head pretty hard and have forgotten everything except the past couple months. But I've got an axe and I'm not afraid to use it."

    Willie got off the chair and reduced it to toothpicks. "Garrrr!"

    "Gog smash?" asked a huge ogre-ish fellow.

    "Oh, this here's Gog. He likes to smash things with his hands," Willie explained.

    "Gog smash!" And Gog pounded his fists into the tree that once held the sign (That tree sure takes a lot of abuse).

    "Gog, stop! Not yet, Gog. Later." Willie calmed the beast.

    "As I was saying, Gog, well, ya know what he does. He's a half-ogre and he's strong. He only listens to me and he wants to come along as well. So, whadda ya say?"

    Willie found a tankard of ale (where'd that come from?) and took a long swing and awaited a reply.
     
  16. tingmakpuk

    tingmakpuk Non Compos Mentis

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    To Whom It May Concern:

    I am in my fourth year of service to Iphazaku. I have nearly six years remaining. During that time, I will put my blades to your good service so long as it honors the name of the God of Vengeance.

    Know that when my tour of service has finished, I will return to my homeland to reclaim my place as heir to the Mirshevik Territories. My allegiances will return solely to my father, and one day shall be subject only to my own will. All former allegiances will be null, all friendships lost and all obligations forgotten.

    Brugh Mirshevik
    Bunk 2, Barracks 39
    Order of Iphazaku, Great God of Vengeance
    Coastal Brill, Kelisura

    EDUCATION:

    Order of Iphazaku: Second Adept, 3rd Shock Squad

    RELEVANT EMPLOYMENT

    Heir to Mirshevik Clan Leadership – able to enforce clan rules; able to lead clan warriors into battle; able to defend the honor of the Mirshevik.

    SPECIAL SKILLS

    Weapons Master of heavy, bladed weapons.

    REFERENCES

    Elder Priest Pattor Ayanis
    7 High Quarters
    Order of Iphazaku, Great God of Vengeance
    Coastal Brill, Kelisura

    High Priest Krissif Mane
    131 High Quarters
    Order of Iphazaku, Great God of Vengeance
    Coastal Brill, Kelisura

    First Adept Sahanik Janoh
    Bunk 1, Barracks 39
    Order of Iphazaku, Great God of Vengeance
    Coastal Brill, Kelisura
     
  17. juzzza

    juzzza Loveable Rogue

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    Re: Re: Vacancy ~ Adventurer

    Dear Nasim,

    Thank you for responding to our recent advert. I regret to inform you that at this time, we will not be inviting you along for an interview.

    I once read a book on birds and yet I doubt I could fly if I tried. We need experience, not optimism.

    I must admit that it took some time to consider your application, your orange trout sounds fantastic and some of the men would certainly benefit from your advice on bathing and cleanliness.

    I have taken the liberty of passing your information to a colleague who may be recruiting learned individuals for clerical and academic work in the near future.

    I wish you good luck and you never know, our paths may cross again.

    All the best

    Kind regards

    Juzzza
    Loveable Rogue Inc.
     
  18. juzzza

    juzzza Loveable Rogue

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    "I'm sorry," began Juzzza "I don't have a clue what you are talking about."

    Willie grunted, scratched his beard then burped before answering.
    "The vacancy man, we were talking about the urp vacancy."
    "Sorry my friend, I know nothing about a vancany," said Juzzza.
    "What? We were just talking about it weren't we? Um, maybe I hit my head harder than I thought... No! There was a poster on that tree." Willie pointed over Gog's shoulder.
    "What tree?" replied Juzzza.
    Willie sighed, a troubled look upon his face, but the grin returned as quickly as it had vanished.
    "Ah well, no bother, musta been day dreaming again," he said.
    "Well," replied Juzzza "How about I refill your cup and we call it quits?"
    Willie scowled, "You look familiar," he said.
     
  19. juzzza

    juzzza Loveable Rogue

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    Dear Mr Mirshevik,

    Thank you for your recent application to accompany Loveable Rogue Inc. on a quest.

    Whilst I was very interested in your application, I should point out that the quest we are about to embark on has little if anything, to do with vengeance. As such, I am not sure your God would be best pleased if you used up some of his 'service' time aiding our mission.

    If this is not a problem, please feel free to contact me and I would be happy to schedule an interview.

    Kind regards

    Juzzza
    Loveable Rogue Inc.
     
  20. Sammie

    Sammie The Doctor...

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    To: The Manager, Lovable Rogue Inc.

    Re: Vacancy for Adventurer

    Dear Sir/Madam

    It was with great interest that I read your advert for position of Adventurer, as I believe my many adventuring experiences make me expertly suited to the position you offer.

    I have been rescued from a large number of dangerous situations, and even escaped from one or two myself. I am extremely talented at a number of relevant tasks including Encouraging The Other Adventurers To Do Their Very Best In Order To Impress Me, Needing To Be Resuced, Screaming, and Fainting.

    I believe I am exactly what you are looking for, and strongly suggest you invite me to your office and see what I can offer, before making a final descision.

    I enclose my CV.

    Yours expectantly

    Sylvia (Professional Heroine)

    --------------------------------------------------

    Curriculum Vitae:

    Name: Sylvia
    Age: 21
    Current Occupation: sitting in a tower encouraging adventuring princes to climb up and spend the night.

    Education:
    Fully qualified eater of porridge, tester of furniture, housebreaker, locksmith, wearer of cloaks, visitor of grandmas, needle tester, apple eater, step-mother irritator and seducer of dwarves and princes.

    Previous Employment:
    Resident irritator of bear families, The Forest. 1992-4
    Decoy for the undercover wolf-chopping division of woodsmen, The Forest. 1995-1997
    Fairest princess in the land. 1998-9
    Asleep but still beautiful. 1999-2002
    Selective eliminator of unattractive princes, by the 'letting down hair from tower' method. 2003 to date.

    Additional skills:
    Expert carriage rider, except when under time constraints. At home in a hovel or a palace. Fits any shoe.