View Full Version : Critique: I was Paris Hilton's Love Slave
Ken Floro III
March 22nd, 2005, 09:22 AM
Now that I've got your attention. Hello. Rookie member, seeking feedback. I have a handful of stories drifting through the community section, with a few more on the way. If I could post an engraved invitation for critique, this would be it. I can offer my eternal gratitude as compensation, as well as the promise to return to favor. My thanks, in advance, for any attention you might be kind enough to squander on me. The stories are:
The Stranger. Post-apocalyptic science fiction.
Upon Meeting God in a Supermarket. Chicken soup for the fantasy writer's soul.
Little Green Men from Beyond the Amazon. Tongue-in-cheek science fiction.
Lord Thunder Grins. High Fantasy (this is the story of which I am most proud, and which represents the most work - this is its 9th permutation).
Gioque: Portrait of a Chat-Room Psycho. Autobiographical humor, at my own expense (yes, this is a 100% true story).
Showdown at the Merriwhether. Gamers should get a chuckle out of this.
March 23rd, 2005, 01:19 AM
Ken; I find the longer pieces hard to read off the screen (old age and bad eyes) If you want to email me a couple of them I would be willing to do a crit for what it's worth...
PM me is this is acceptable..
March 25th, 2005, 01:08 AM
... and don't tell me, you couldn't get away because she outsmarted you at every turn.[sarcastic smilie]
K3, you already have my comments on the Stranger, kind of a neat story. BTW, I have a theory about what was in the package---Brisket!
You have an ambitious plan, to post a critique thread with six stories. Good luck. I will do my part, and let you know when I've finished reading the next story I read (I will also let you know when I can write a better sentence than that). Oy
PS-If you haven't yet, accept Holbrook's offer. Trust me. :)
March 26th, 2005, 01:18 PM
If you don't mind critiquing mind, I'll critique yours,
Nin Ahura chapter 1
Nin Ahura chapter 2
And these are my earlier works. I must warn you, however, I still have to work on the grammar with these, but tell me what you think of them.
A Tale of Deception chapter 1, 2, 3, and 4
March 26th, 2005, 01:44 PM
...PS-If you haven't yet, accept Holbrook's offer. Trust me. :)
He did so ;)
April 3rd, 2005, 01:09 AM
I read Showdown at the Merriwhether (finally), though I'm not a gamer, I do know strategy. I liked the story, you have a good writing style, it's easy to read without all those annoying spelling distractions and sentences which make no sense. Your characters are rude, crude and socially unnacceptable, which is what they are supposed to be in this context. (You wouldn't write about a state dinner at the White House and include these characters--well, maybe you wouldn't :rolleyes: ) You might take a bit more time and add some depth to these characters, I had some trouble telling some of the minor characters apart, it's no big though.
One minor detail (aren't those the ones that get you?); The blue bloods made two runs toward the castle, and both times your narrative character responded with, "If he made it, the game would be over..." you said it twice, word for, the exact same wording. I stopped reading and went back to look at the first time you said it. You may want to rewrite the second time you said it, I already know that if he makes it to the castle the game is over, perhaps more of a reaction, like "I knew I couldn't let him make it to the castle..."--except better written. I don't know if there is a right market for a story like this, but I hope you find it.
I also read the God--Supermarket story. Strange how it sounds a lot like a story I once wrote (a lot, in a drug induced, fever ridden, warped personality kind of way). It was about an aspiring Science Fiction writer who gets a visit from a time traveler, who encourages him to keep writing. Then the young writer figures out the time traveler only wants him to keep writing so they can have more ideas for inventions in the far future, and decides to write mysteries instead.
Anyway, write on . . .
Ken Floro III
April 4th, 2005, 09:23 AM
B5 - Much obliged for the feedback! Thanks for pointing out that redundant line, I completely missed it. And you're right about finding a market; I have no idea where to go with it. Also, just out of curiosity, do you happen to remember which of the minor characters were vague, and do you think it would be necessary to sharpen them up a bit?
By the way, have you got any new tales coming out soon? Maybe those wily elves could get into some more mischief?
April 4th, 2005, 10:08 AM
I was getting worried, I hadn't seen you in a while. We must be traveling in different circles.
When I think about it, the minor characters are vague because I didn't manage to connect their names to the character. They are the same type of nicknames, if that makes any sense. On the other hand, I've changed character's names before, and it is a hassel. Maybe if you somehow connect the name to the character more, somehow. And that is just my opinion. At this point you could enhance the story a bit, but it seems to be pretty much done. (Also my opinion)
Right now I have another Sharpe story cued up. (I'm spacing out my submissions with the hope of getting better feedback--it's worth a try.) It's a murder mystery that takes place in his real world. After that I'm in the process of dusting off a story I wrote some time ago about a telepathic plagiarist. (I really offended an editor with that one once.) And I'm rewriting the only full length fantasy I have ever attempted, I will be asking for input on that one, I occasionally read fantasy, but don't know all of the ins and outs.
I haven't visited the elves for a while. But I'm sure there are opportunities in that place.
April 5th, 2005, 05:02 AM
K3, I'd like to give you a critique, but I have no time; maybe I'll stop in later and do so.
But I'd like to give some advice: Publish!!! The internet is crawling with small e-zines and semi-pro markets. Even if you get paid a trifle for your story ($5 or $10), you can mention the publication in your next cover letter to an editor. If you get your work published in e-zines, it will still be online, and people can still critique it. The difference is that you get some credit and noteriety.
I've heard that most magazines and e-zines consider any stories posted publicly online to be "previously published". This means that they'll consider your submission a reprint rather than a first-rights publication, and they may refuse to consider it.
Ken Floro III
April 13th, 2005, 11:31 PM
Abby - I didn't realize that magazines would consider your work reprinted if you had it on a public site. If you take it down before submission, would that still count against you? Oh, and I've already found several dozens submission sites by combing the threads; do you have any that you would recommend?
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.2.1 Copyright © 2013 vBulletin Solutions, Inc. All rights reserved.