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Agent Sinclair
July 21st, 2001, 04:41 AM
Comments?
Anyone?
Anyone?
Buller?
e-mail or add some feedback here...
thank u

Erebus
July 21st, 2001, 06:39 AM
Hi Wayne,

I just got through your science fiction story, although the hour here (Australia) is late, you seemed eager for some feedback, so here goes:

I guess in short I'd have to say first off: a lot of well-written words; not so much plot. At least that's the way it came across to me.

I really couldn't fault the prose grammatically, other than for the odd typo and a couple of it's when I'm sure you meant its. But the storyline itself had me a little confused - maybe it's the late hour? - and I felt that for a short story your descriptions, while technically brilliant, were a little drawn out.

I loved your tongue-in-cheek political and corporate commentary, and found myself smiling at the many metaphors with our own society and political climate, but again, perhaps these were just a little over done. Or, maybe this was your intent?

I was also a little curious about the apparent jump to first person, albeit a brief one, in the latter stages of the tale.

The overall message is certainly there, but I thought it was buried perhaps a little too deeply under a slightly over-written veil of descriptive narrative that perhaps detracts rather than adds to the impact of your story.

I hope this makes sense, and even helps a little?

Cheers,

Neil www.wn.com.au/clubclad/erebus/ (http://www.wn.com.au/clubclad/erebus/)

PS: Welcome to the Forum, btw! http://www.sffworld.com/ubb/smile.gif


[This message has been edited by erebus (edited July 21, 2001).]

Agent Sinclair
July 21st, 2001, 04:08 PM
GREAT!
someone read it, that's good...
Now more people...
[forgive my >>editorial]

>>not so much plot. At least that's the way it came across to me.

Yes, you are quite astute.
It's a rant, this is what I do.
If you knew me you'd understand(cryptik remark)
I suppose in short stories it's allowed to a degree. A lot seem to lack any real closure, or even a beginning, just a snip from a persons life. This was what I was going for.
For the record it's an old tale, as in very old, and I just added a few bits to it, (which may or not seem obvious) which rather than aids it, may perhaps throw a spanner-bomb into the wurx regarding its continuity.
Also I apologise to anyone Encyclopedia Galactose intolerant, that there was one of those little 'history lessons' in there, y'know, to explain other things from other stories. cheesy? Oh yeah! But I've given it up, cryogenic poultry.
It's (or izzit its?) a case of just finishing it, which rarely happens, and getting it out there, soon as I had finished it I realised it was outdated, compared with other stuff I had started, which by the time I ever get them finished, will be likewise, outshone by newer pieces.
So it's just jettisoned into cyberspace now, and I wish her the best of luck.

>>other than for the odd typo and a couple of it's when I'm sure you meant its...

Nrrgh! You think you got 'em all, but then you forget about the eggs! (Sorry Otto the Busdriver quote)
I usually end up turning off the spellchecka, as it evokes the wrath of Billzebub, wishing me to spell the correct MS way. But I realiZe that's a horse of a different COLOR.

>>I loved your tongue-in-cheek political and corporate commentary, and found myself smiling at the many metaphors with our own society and political climate, but again, perhaps these were just a little over done. Or, maybe this was your intent?

Yes it was. Hammer the theme home. Hopefully it will make up for lack of plot. I'm not good with plots. But satire I enjoy. The more raw I can make it the better...

>>I was also a little curious about the apparent jump to first person, albeit a brief one, in the latter stages of the tale.

Ahh! Well, rather than blame it on the site (hehe!) I may share the blame for this. There may be a HTML screwup, (or even evil XML) as I think (and it was a while ago, and done on a whim) I believe I sent it as a webpage and not a .doc, therefore things went awry:
->From the bottom of page 6 (just after CLASSIFIED) it is supposed to be in italix- .: showing, if a little hackneyed, the transition from narritive to 1st person. This was to last right up until "FOR THE LAST TIME NO!" And then revert back to normal. These italix are not there. Oh well, there's a lot of that going on. I've witnessed @ least 2 other stories that do that exact same thing so...

>>I hope this makes sense, and even helps a little?
It makes sense, although I am perhaps beyond help! http://www.sffworld.com/ubb/wink.gif

Please bear in mind, that by most standards it's ancient, so it was a now-or-never thing. I certainly don't see it as a moneymaker.
I intend to send a second work-in-progress up there, newer, stronger, faster, etc.
As it stands I am quite gratful for your pheedbak.
And I welcome more.

So throw it this way folks, I'm a man, I can take it!

Erebus
July 21st, 2001, 04:18 PM
Hi Wayne,

Your response to my post has left me laughing at your great sense of humour! May I ask where you hail from?

You have a great wit, which was evident from the satire of your work, and I believe this could be put to good use in a story, or even a novel!

Thanks for clearing up the mystery of the first person stuff. HTML will do that to you every time!

Good luck with your writing, and I'm glad you enjoyed my feedback.

[This message has been edited by erebus (edited July 21, 2001).]