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tamlyn
July 14th, 2001, 02:38 AM
I just sat down to the computer and started writing this story,(it is actually one of my few complete stories), and anyway i hopped onto the net right after and so decided to post it. I don't know what decided me, i must have been fogged up in the head or something. But since it's there i don't suppose people could tell me what they think of it, what bits need practise, that sort of thing.
And try to ignore the title.
i know for instance that my end was rushed so you don't have to mention that ( you can if you want to though.)
Anyway, please?

Erebus
July 14th, 2001, 03:00 AM
Well, Tamlyn,

For a quickly written story, it certainly has promise. I liked the overall theme and even allowing for the slight disjointedness of the prose, I was eagerly reading on to the climax. Sadly, the story really let you down for its lack of direction. You set up an interesting premise, but for mine, it just didn't seem to go anywhere.

Try re-reading it a few times out loud and you'll probably understand what I mean about the stilted prose, and dialogue, in places. This all comes with practice of course, but had you edited it a little more before submitting it, I feel the final result would have been much more worthy of your obvious storytelling potential! http://www.sffworld.com/ubb/smile.gif

Also, you may want to think about putting your characters' dialogue on separate lines. I found it a little confusing in parts, but again this all comes down to a bit of spit and polish.

Finally, had the story concluded as well as it started, there'd be little need for any of us to be pointing out its shortcomings! It (the beginning of the tale) was certainly a little gruesome, but it definately got my attention!

Cheers,

Neil


[This message has been edited by erebus (edited July 21, 2001).]

Bardos
July 14th, 2001, 06:22 AM
I really enjoyed your story, Tamlyn. I don't think it was rushed at the end; it was meant to be a short story, after all, right?

Thought, you should fix the dialogue, in some cases; e.g., when the man talks to the girl in the end. Change paragraph each time someone else speaks --it's better that way. And put a comma, before you write "s/he said", not full-stop.

But, all in all, I did enjoy the story, as I said. http://www.sffworld.com/ubb/wink.gif

e-Morgana
July 14th, 2001, 09:01 PM
Hi Tamlyn,

Well I was just browsing (having a read of Lior's story actually), came across your name and wondered if you were Tamlyn from the forum. I thought I'd take a peek and I must admit, you grabbed me right from the word go - what a great attention-gripping opening!

I really enjoyed your story, but like erebus, I was disappointed with the ending. I just thought "Well, where's the next page? Surely there's more." It just didn't seem to have any finality to it and nothing was really explained. Where was the key for and what did it do? Who was the baddie and why did he want it? I like to find out all these things and have some kind of conclusion reached. I think it has great potential though, as the beginning of an exciting saga.

[This message has been edited by e-Morgana (edited July 15, 2001).]

enazwo
July 14th, 2001, 10:15 PM
Tamlyn
I had the pleasure of reading your spontaneously inspired story.

I knew going in, that it was a three page story so my mind was in the short story mind set.

I do agree that you captured the readers attention early on. Though I yearned for a bit more closure, I was reminded of the old show biz adage, "always leave them wanting more". And if the essence of your story was not satisfactory, then I could have put it down and walked away not give a "golly, durn , ding, dang" about what was to come for the little girl.

However your story tickled my imagination, and I can only imagine what lies ahead for the young girl and her family.

Tamlyn, I am newcomer to this special place and I feel a little inadeqaute to be giving criticsim.

Nevertheless, you have the ability to tell a tale. That is good, Right?

enazwo

lior
July 15th, 2001, 01:29 AM
Tamlyn, your story started with a bang, as my honorable collegues had also mention, and you have vivid imagination, but it is way too short and ends abruptly. it looks like a first chapter of a bigger tale than a short story with a start, a middle and an ending. nevertheless, it wasn't boring, just a little dissappointing, I have to say your villain was indeed formidable.
one remark, and it's a very personal point of view: the story was too grim to my taste, i always thought a little lightness in tales could never hurt, even horror tales.

tamlyn
July 16th, 2001, 01:23 AM
Thanks for the replies.
erebus, with the dialogue you're right that it comes with practice and I haven't had much of that practice in real life so it's always a little difficult for me to write a conversation. It's actually a lot like real talks I have.
Bardos, I'm only just getting used to using paragraphs, I always refused to use them before(really annoys my teachers).
I am actually going through it and I see the point about the ending. ven if none ever sees it again I'm going to have to fix it up or it will really bug on me.
Anyway thanks again for the comments.

Mirror
July 16th, 2001, 12:30 PM
I must admit when I read your story I didn't expect it to get moving so fast. I guess if I was to have a criticism it would be just that. I like stories to move fast but yours was in hyperspeed. I understand that due to the medium you wrote it in you may not have had the time you wanted to spend on it.

It was an exciting idea. If you fleshed it out a little more and tried give a better idea of where the action is happening it can only get better. Others have mentioned your use of dialogue, including yourself, but from what I read you could've left out all of the conversational points and the story wouldn't really lose anything.

Keep up your efforts. You fill your story with points of action which will really help your flow when you attempt to write something substantially larger.

KATS
July 20th, 2001, 07:52 AM
For a first story, not bad. However there are many areas that could stand improvement. Iíll try to be as painless as possible. http://www.sffworld.com/ubb/smile.gif Just remember, Iím even more critical of my own stories.

The most obvious error, which you even acknowledge, is the story has a disjointed feel. There are several places where the reader is confused. This is most apparent where you change the main focus of the story. From the mother to the older lady to the child. The transition can and should be smoother. However, like you said, that ability will come with experience.

You also seemed to have made a mistake many first time writers make. Youíve made the villain too evil, too powerful and too mysterious. Hereís some advice that may not please you, pay attention in history class! Look at real life villains, specifically leaders. They donít think of themselves as evil. Often times they think of themselves as saviors. Itís very twisted. Some of the most horrendous atrocities happened because someone was trying to do ďgoodĒ. As far as your villain is concerned, why didnít he follow the child? Why did he give up looking for the key at the accident site? Why did he use a car to run them over instead of using his powers? But then, like I said, this is a common mistake first time writers make. And Iím a little surprised no one mentioned it earlier.

For the most part I agree with the above critiques. You show some talent. Continue to write and you will become better!

tamlyn
July 21st, 2001, 02:02 AM
KATS - if I had a History class I might pay attention in it. SOCE is the clostest I've got and where doing the environment in it.
He didn't follow Lianna because there was too many people about and kill too many people and the mother's people would have found him before he was ready.
He gave up looking for the key because he (again) knew the mothers people well.
He hit them with the car because he's lazy (does that translate to me being lazy?). Also he seemtimes gets a hit out of causing pain physically and so the car and the kick.
in case you're wondering the mother's people are the gatekeepers.
Perhaps I should have found some way to put all of this into the story?