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lior
July 12th, 2001, 03:08 AM
Hy everyone!
my story "The well and the harp" has been posted on the site. It is much shorter then my previous story, so I hope more of you will have the time to read it and give me some honest feedback. you can also e-mail it to me too if you'd like.
I will greatly appreciate anything you have to say.
Thanks,
Lior

Erebus
July 12th, 2001, 04:57 AM
Hi Lior,

I read your story earlier today, and right off, I can see that you've improved your technical skills immensely.

While the subject matter is entirely different to The Project, I can see that the feedback you received from that little epic has helped you hone your skills somewhat. You should also be congratulated for your command of English, which I understand isn't perhaps your native tongue?

***Possible Spoilers Follow!***

The story itself left me a little flat, especially the ending, which seemed to me, just a little too sweet! (As you know, I prefer a slightly darker tale! http://www.sffworld.com/ubb/smile.gif) But, it was certainly a worthy entry into the pulp fairy/folk tale category, with the "happily ever after" romantic conclusion.

I enjoy looking at your work, Lior, and I really hope you continue to develop that style of yours! (I'd also like to see your latest rewrite of The Project, so perhaps you can email it to me one of these days?

Keep at it, mate!

Cheers,

Neil



[This message has been edited by erebus (edited July 12, 2001).]

e-Morgana
July 12th, 2001, 03:05 PM
Hi Lior,
Just read your story and I quite enjoyed it. Like Neil, though, I thought the ending was a little corny - but then again, it started as a fairy tale so I guess it makes sense to end it as a fairy tale.

***SPOILERS***

I liked the 2-witch twist. It added that something extra to the tale. I think if you are going to write for an English speaking audience, you may still have to work on some of your phrases (eg "I have entered the wood many moons ago") and your punctuation and grammar (but I guess that's what editors are for, aren't they?) http://www.sffworld.com/ubb/wink.gif

Overall, I enjoyed the story and loved some of your descriptions - "tears were running from her eyes like streams of silver", and "The prince stood up, looking like a smoking chimney". Keep it up and I'll look forward to reading the next one as well.



[This message has been edited by e-Morgana (edited July 12, 2001).]

lior
July 13th, 2001, 03:30 AM
Erebus and e-morgana, thanks for your comments!
I always said that people from down under can be counted upon! http://www.sffworld.com/ubb/smile.gif

[This message has been edited by lior (edited July 13, 2001).]

enazwo
July 13th, 2001, 11:59 AM
Lior
I read your story. I enjoyed the light descriptive nature. I feel it fit the "fairy tale" feel to the story quite nicely. I must agree with E-Morgana about your descriptions, "Smoking chimney". Original and evoked a comical picture, very nice. I really don't feel all that qualified to give much more criticsim, as I am a newcomer to this wonderful place.

enazwo

lior
July 15th, 2001, 02:31 AM
Thanks, enazwo. If you're a reader, you're qualified to give criticsm, regardless if you are a newcomer or not.

Anyone else might want to voice his/hers opinion, people??



[This message has been edited by lior (edited July 18, 2001).]

KATS
July 20th, 2001, 09:02 AM
Very interesting. I found the beginning of the story somewhat lacking. But once the prince found the cottage, I was drawn into the story. I could see where the story was going fairly early on, but that really doesn’t detract from the story.

**Spoiler*** I was a bit surprised though when the water child turned out to be a water child! I was halfway expecting a third evil witch. Anyway . . .

The only real critique I can make is the beginning of the story just doesn’t seem as polished as the rest of the story. And the ending was a bit sappy, but sappy is fine, sometimes.

lior
July 22nd, 2001, 01:23 PM
Thank you, Kats, for your comments.

in regard to the ending, well... i did it with full awarness as this is supposed to be a fairytale, and from what I learned through a lot off grim brothers tales and national folklore, is that fairytales usually end this way...don't they? http://www.sffworld.com/ubb/smile.gif

xiabhanna
July 22nd, 2001, 06:47 PM
Lior - first of all, I wanted to thank you for taking the time to read my story!! Secondly, congratulations on a great fairy tale! I've always been a huge fan of a good, even "sappy" fairy tale. My bookshelves are filled with them. I think that this one would fit in nicely with the rest!!

I'm not usually as critical as others' technique as I am my own, so all I can comment on is the way it flows and how great is sounds - it had a nice cadence to it. I'm looking forward to reading more!

KATS
July 22nd, 2001, 07:22 PM
Just a quick note about fairytales and folklore. You are correct in that many of the published fairytales and folklore stories have happy ending, at least those stories that are commonly used as bedtime stories for children. However, most of the “classic” fairytales, such as “Little Red Riding Hood” were originally told aloud by storytellers (I believe to an adult audience, but I’m not certain on that). Many of these stories were not as “sappy” as the Grimes versions. For instance, many claim that “Little Red Riding Hood” originally ended with the wolf eating the little girl. Of course, its hard to say for certain what actually happened centuries ago.

To be honest I’m not really current on this topic. The last class I had that involved fairytales and folklore was years ago and I couldn’t find my textbook. I remember quite a few depressing and horrific stories though.

How does this relate to your fairytale? It doesn’t really, I’m just rambling a bit. It is your fairytale and the ending can be as “sappy” or as dark as you like. http://www.sffworld.com/ubb/smile.gif