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SubZero61992
March 29th, 2005, 11:07 PM
I gave a shot at 1st person, mixing my modern ideas into space. I dont think this over done the limit.

Chapter One


"Turn the deflector shields to maximum!" commanded my captain.
Instantly I flipped the blue switch on my control panel beside my seat. The straps buckled across my chest prevented me from taking deep breaths, very uncomfortable. Soon there was a loud sound like the engine of a speeding race car as the deflector shield used most of the ships energy to power up.
“Deflector shields are at maximum power!” I reported to Berg, my captain.
Berg nodded and began to maneuver the ship trying to avoid the enemy fire.
We called them ’Arwolves’, our most hated enemy. They were extra terrestrials from planet Arkonan who were bent on universal domination. Suddenly the ship jolted as one of its turrets fired at the enemies. Ada was successful as her precise shooting earned a burning Arwolf exploding before everyone’s eyes. “ That’s a girl, Ada!” I complemented through my ear piece. She didn’t say anything in return but I knew she smiled at my voice. “ Get your mind back on battle Zeek! Increase the throttle on thrusters seven and eight!” the captain scolded. I forced my mind back to the present and pushed levers seven and eight on the control panel to nine.
The ship jerked several more times as Ada and another crew member Carlos began to fire at the Arwolves. Soon nothing was visible in the blackness of space except for flying shrapnel. “ Yet another victory by the crew of Wezker9!” I cheered.
I looked at my captain who also had a smirk across his battle scarred face. His hair was tied back and his goatee neatly combed. Berg was a man being affected by age now however, and I could see it in his eyes, the dread of never flying again. “ So, where we headed now?” I asked him. Berg shifted his eyes to the touch screen map above their heads. He touched Yunion, a planet that was just one gigantic city.

Expendable
March 29th, 2005, 11:36 PM
It's a good start. Now don't stop until you reach the end.

SubZero61992
March 29th, 2005, 11:36 PM
I'll try ;)


Trying isnt good enough! You must do, not try!

Zanzibar
March 29th, 2005, 11:37 PM
Definitely the start of something that seems good. I think you've got first person down (it isn't really all that difficult :) ). Write more of this story and I'll get back to you on it.

SubZero61992
March 29th, 2005, 11:50 PM
Thanks, I am hitched on it so it will probably go a long ways in a few hours.

TheEarCollector
March 29th, 2005, 11:57 PM
The one thing I will say about this so far is that you go into an essay style analysis of the Arwolves. You completely stop the action of what is happening around us to tell us what is going on.

Why is this bad? Well, the biggest reason is because you have stopped the story. You can tell us this later, when the action is done, and instead of just force feeding us the information you want us to know you can make us experience it... Instead of saying "Arwolves, BAD!" just have characters talking about them...
You do the same thing of pulling out of the story and analyzing the captain, it's not necessary and it takes you out of the story. It's good that you know what he looks like and know how he is being affected by age, but you don't just throw that at us... Find a way to display it through the way the captain acts. Telling us he is old is the easy way, and in the end the boring way, but making us feel like he is old without ever having to say it is what makes writing an art.

SubZero61992
March 29th, 2005, 11:59 PM
Wow, so that is why I keep feeling thrown off while I write, I need to fix that now!

Expendable
March 30th, 2005, 01:48 AM
Save introspection and info dumps for the quiet times. Keep action scenes active.

But this is a first draft. Just get it written for now.

--Ex.

TheEarCollector
March 30th, 2005, 07:29 AM
Like Expendable said, just get it written, but right now it feels like you are trying to force this info in... It doesn't read as naturally as the rest of the writing.
My suggestion, just write what is happening, move through it, and then throw in whatever details you might not have noticed afterwards. As far as things like character descriptions go, save them for slow times if you plan on using them at all. Even if you never put a character description in the actual story you might want to keep a separate sheet on every character to remind yourself about them because it can go a long way in helping you see the story as you write it. Hope that helps...