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MrBF1V3
April 7th, 2005, 03:32 PM
Hi, I've posted another story in the community section and am eager if not anxious to get some kind of feedback.

The story is here:

http://www.sffworld.com/community/story/391p0.html

Read it and come back and comment. Thanks.

As always, if you would rather have me e-mail the story to you, just PM me, I will send it ASAP.

MrBF1V3
April 7th, 2005, 03:46 PM
Okay, a few questions, for guideline purposes. These are suggestions, of course.

Did the story keep your interest?

Are the characters realistic?

Did I make very many annoying or stupid errors?

This is a second story using these characters; Did you feel like you needed to read the first story to know what's going on?

For the mystery part: Did I 'play fair' with the readers? (i.e., is it possible to figure it out with the information given?)

On the other hand; is there too much information? Did you figure out the end? (In this site, I wouldn't be surprised.) Would an average reader?

There are lots of other things I'd like to know, and some things I don't know that I want to know, yet. Thanks in advance for your input.

B5

Wildeblood
April 8th, 2005, 04:21 AM
Did the story keep your interest?

Finished it. Don't usually.

Are the characters realistic?

No. So, what?

Did I make very many annoying or stupid errors?

Much clumsy sentence construction.

This is a second story using these characters; Did you feel like you needed to read the first story to know what's going on?

Yes, fortunately I have.

For the mystery part: Did I 'play fair' with the readers? (i.e., is it possible to figure it out with the information given?)

Yes.

On the other hand; is there too much information? Did you figure out the end? (In this site, I wouldn't be surprised.) Would an average reader?

No, yes, yes.

There are lots of other things I'd like to know, and some things I don't know that I want to know, yet.

Still don't like Sharpe.

Hereford Eye
April 8th, 2005, 07:59 AM
Very good story. Was hooked immediately and followed along willingly. My only disappointment was Alexandria's analysis of the e-mail. Since it comes immediately after resolving the Jeff issue, the answer was too obvious. I think the story will stand without that passage and thereby increase/maintain the mystery. Recommend you keep the e-mail but scratch Alexandria's analysis. That way the reader is prompted to the right answer but cannot be certain.

Did you have an inspirational source for the "generalist" idea or is that original with you as far as you know? I have a vague recollection of a story from somewhere back in time with that concept but can't put my finger on it. It doesn't matter; you brought it off nicely.

MrBF1V3
April 8th, 2005, 09:58 AM
The generalist concept is not mine at all. It's a real world thing. I've read about universities that offer a Generalist degree. (One has a "Generalist Specialization"--cracks me up :rolleyes: )

I recently found the Creative Generalist blogspot.

Most of the time a generalist is connected with the human resource department.

I took the idea, hyped it up and added caffeine. Sharpe seems to be a fair response to a world where some of the players have the advantage of being genetically enhanced.

HE and Wildeblood, thanks for the input.

So Alexandria overanalysed, go figure. Sometimes I telegraph more than I should. The sections which concerned me were that one, with Alexandria and the e-mail, and then later the one where Sharpe finds the 'killer'-I keep rewriting that one, it never seems quite right.

B5

MrBF1V3
April 10th, 2005, 05:08 PM
Just a FYI, I have posted a slightly updated verson in the community.

Thank you for your continued support.

B5

Ken Floro III
April 13th, 2005, 11:28 PM
B5 - Congrats on finishing another story. Have you been cranking these out recently, or finally posting ones you've had finished for a while?

The title for this one was perfect, and tied in well. I was kept guessing the entire time, and enjoyed the twists. You set the stage for time travel by hinting about the dry ice gun, bracing the audience for that reveal later on. Prepping any audience for time travel in a murder mystery surely isn't easy. It's just a shade shy of deus ex machina - as evidenced by Burke's reaction - but you gave it proper set up. I noticed, and appreciated.

All the detail was in order, though I did not solve the case beforehand - however, I rarely make a serious effort to solve mystery tales on my own. The characters seemed somewhat flat, but that matches your style for this piece, which is brief and direct, almost journalistic. Some mystery writers (without naming names) seem to fawn over their sleuths and prattle tangentially about them and their foibles. If it's done well, it can add spice; if it's not done well, it's tedious. If you decide to fold in a little spice, just make sure to do it in the proper dosage.

I only have one question, and perhaps you can elaborate on the issue in this thread. Sharpe's motivation for becoming a murderer seemed muddy to me. Perhaps we didn't get to see enough of his character in this story to really understand him, but I just didn't get what compelled him to a killing spree. Maybe that element could be elaborated on in the story?

This was a great read, which kept me guessing, and consequently kept me reading until the end. What's next?

MrBF1V3
April 14th, 2005, 12:34 AM
B5 - Congrats on finishing another story. Have you been cranking these out recently, or finally posting ones you've had finished for a while?

Actually I've been rewriting stories I've had for a while. I pull them out, wonder what was wrong with me when I wrote that (I do not recall any drugs being involved--but sometimes I wonder), then go about rewriting it so it's better. I have a story I'm actually writing, not rewriting. It was frustrating at first, I had some of the characters and the setting, but no clue about the story. I tried several approaches before I finally found it--something with lots of tension, and unexpectedly ordinary. It features a character named 'Jazon'. When I finish it I'll be glad to share.

I'm glad you noted Burke's reaction, I was trying for the reaction I would get if I walked into your living room and said the same thing to you. We have scientists who tell us that time travel is possible, but no one really believes it is.

I took out part the the scene HE mentioned as ... well, a dead give away. Instead of Alexandria trying to think through 3 alternatives, she settles on the first reasonable explanation. I think that helped. (Thanks again HE)


Sharpe's motivation for becoming a murderer seemed muddy to me. Perhaps we didn't get to see enough of his character in this story to really understand him, but I just didn't get what compelled him to a killing spree. Maybe that element could be elaborated on in the story?

I think I hinted at it, and have some notes on it in the back story. A great majority of what happened the first time around which changed the Sharpe we know into the murderer is known only to the guy who died. But Sharpe knows that he is capable of those things, even if he doesn't understand why. This is one of the things I want to make sure I communicate, so I will try to bring that thought into better focus.


This was a great read, which kept me guessing, and consequently kept me reading until the end. What's next?

Glad you enjoyed it, and thanks for the input, it is more helpful than you know. I knew there were things I didn't know I wanted to know :rolleyes: . Currently I just finished rewriting/editing a story about a telepathic plagiarist. I'm debating about having a discussion thread on that one, this character is really rude, and I don't want to take the heat for him.

B5

seancuig
April 20th, 2005, 07:07 AM
Sharpe's motivation for becoming a murderer seemed muddy to me. Perhaps we didn't get to see enough of his character in this story to really understand him, but I just didn't get what compelled him to a killing spree. Maybe that element could be elaborated on in the story?

I think this is the bit I liked most. The build up in his mind that it was him all along, and then the full realization.

Not sure his reaction at the end sits well with me though. I couldn't quite get a clear sense of exactly how he felt about the knowledge (Maybe that was deliberate)

Really liked the story though, and in answer to your initial questions.

Definitely. Really liked it.

Fairly. Maybe some of them a bit light, but hey.

Nope. Though for some reason the name Escapade irritates me :( Sorry!

No, I think they stands up well in this story alone.

I think it was fair. Worked it out, but not till close to the end, which is the way I like it (not too obscure, but obscure enough!)

No. I did, I think others could (not a bad thing necessarily as long as the game is not given away too soon)


I don't often like time-travel stories as I for some reason I insist on warping my head thinking of the connotations and the “how can it work” crap, but this time I successfully suspended belief and really enjoyed it. :D

MrBF1V3
April 20th, 2005, 05:43 PM
seancuig--

Thanks for dropping by. Glad you enjoyed the story. Feel free the chekc out some of the other stories I have in the community.

Both you and KF3 have mentioned something about the last section, which is the part I thought needed the most work. Sharpe's reaction was meant to be a state of shock which he is trying to control.

About the name Escapade, it is a good name for someone who is from her self absorbed social caste.

Again, thanks.
B5