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Holbrook
April 19th, 2005, 02:16 AM
http://www.sffworld.com/community/story/418p0.html

Been awhile since I given anyone the chance to bash me over the head, so here goes...

kongming
April 19th, 2005, 03:37 AM
The pain had withered to a dull ache as my mind as wandered, but now it began to scream again through my nerves.

"as my mind wandered"?


My wounded heart hopes so, but my blighted mind feared not.

Tense shift.


She said inching with the rain into my shelter, she aided with her ice –cold touch my bound and aching body to sit.

She said as she inched with the rain into my shelter; she aided my bound and aching body to sit with her ice –cold touch.

OR

She said as she inched with the rain into my shelter; she aided my bound and aching body to sit, biting, with her ice –cold touch.


“Wound fever” I asked.

“Wound fever?” I asked.


“The Gods ant me aware of every second.”

“The Gods can't be aware of every second.” ???


Her face, crushed turned away.

Her face, crushed, turned away.


Hunger woken claimed my merger strength and my appetite was soon sated, collapsed like a reveller at a banquet.

Hunger woke and claimed my meager strength; my appetite was soon sated. I collapsed like a reveller at a banquet.


Just being with her.

incomplete sentence.


A roof of grass sods laid over a weave of branches.

A roof of grass sods lay over a weave of branches.


Shaking with the effort. I braced a hand against the fragile walls of my shelter and took a step. Another; toes dragging, ankles bent out.

and took a step. And then another; toes dragging, ankles bent.


"Not there, two trees further back if you please" Her voice shrilly called.

Her shrill voice rang out.


I fell my heart racing with the effort against my objective.

I felt my


I flopped down before my shelter my strength drained, my mind cursing her.

I flopped down before my shelter, strength drained, mind cursing.


Form now on you see to yourself. Here..." She handed me a stitched ball of rabbit skin. "Place that in your right hand and squeeze.

"You are not dying are you? And as for your arm? If it is beyond hope learn to use the other one. There is one so much I can do...only so much time..." Her voice quivered and faded away laced with sorrow.

From now on you see to yourself. Here..." She handed me a stitched ball of rabbit skin. "Place that in your right hand and squeeze.

I glared.

"You are not dying are you? And as for your arm? If it is beyond hope learn to use the other one. There is one so much I can do...only so much time..." Her voice quivered and faded away laced with sorrow.


Ye her face was as beautiful as ever and I still yearned for was not mine to have.

Yet her face was as beautiful as ever and I still yearned for that which was not mine to have.


"It is time for you to leave Corwyn Trahern. Go it is time. You still have work to do in this existence."

Go, it is time.


"And what of you?" I asked; my hand reaching out to her.

I asked, my hand


"No...It must not be."


A leech bane, soul sucker, a feeder on men's hearts a seer's familiar.

men's hearts, a seer's familiar.


"You call me a soul sucker. A familiar? One that wallows in a man's arms, drinking of what the Gods gave him? Then you show your ignorance. She cried out trying with her weakened strength to break away from me.

Then you show your ignorance." She cried


I don't like the beginning, but it gets better. I think you may have the same problems with openings as I have... It seems a little cliched. As I said it gets better, but the only advice I have for the beginning is to avoid cliche.

I don't know where this is going, but now I want to. You build tension and foreshadowing well. And most important you haven't dumbed down and allowed the story to progress naturally without giving too much away. I'm especially glad that you don't have any overly explanatory narative.

MrBF1V3
April 19th, 2005, 06:40 PM
Been awhile since I given anyone the chance to bash me over the head, so here goes...

Head bashing is not a very cranial activity, but let me move a-head. (Never mind.)

I had already read your story when I found this thread. (Hey, free story!) I must have been lost in the story, because I don't remember many of the glaring errors kongming found.

I don't know all the cliche's, but the beginning was intersting enough, I thought. It was kind of confusing when they started talking, I had to go back and figure out which voice belonged to whom because they didn't have names yet.

In the course of the story I was trying to figure out where it was going. In the end, I was surprised, though I shouldn't have been. I sounds like the intro to a legend. It could be a good one.

Thanks for sharing.

B5

Holbrook
April 20th, 2005, 07:09 AM
Thanks MrBF1V3 and kongming a lot to think on.

Just a word about cliches nothing wrong with using them its how you use them. It got the story going at a middle point without a large info dump about what had happened.

I suppose I have a habit of doing that, starting stories in the middle.....

Dawnstorm
April 20th, 2005, 11:25 AM
I suppose I have a habit of doing that, starting stories in the middle.....

It's the best way. :) Imagine if you'd have to start Llafn Meistr with DelMark's childhood, and detail everything from there... You'd have two books the size of an enceclopedia, before the story starts! :eek:

And with Oracle; it would lose quite a bit if you'd get into the genesis of the Oracle character right away...

For the present story: not being certain who the guy they're talking about is, and what "Adele's" relationship to him was, is part of what keeps the interest.

Starting in the middle makes a story more vivid, if only because the continuity of the story is based on a world (or a series of events) rather than a plot that's constructed for a book.

That's quite longwinded for "I like it that way," isn't it? ;)

Holbrook
April 20th, 2005, 12:23 PM
It's the best way. :) Imagine if you'd have to start Llafn Meistr with DelMark's childhood, and detail everything from there... You'd have two books the size of an enceclopedia, before the story starts! :eek:

And with Oracle; it would lose quite a bit if you'd get into the genesis of the Oracle character right away...

For the present story: not being certain who the guy they're talking about is, and what "Adele's" relationship to him was, is part of what keeps the interest.

Starting in the middle makes a story more vivid, if only because the continuity of the story is based on a world (or a series of events) rather than a plot that's constructed for a book.

That's quite longwinded for "I like it that way," isn't it? ;)

Lol... this story was just trying to see if I could create something in !st POV that made sense, no big plans for it, but it will get filed away with "possible" stamped on it. A lot of work there though.

Re starting in the middle.

I think you need to create a world/characters that have a past before you meet them. The people you know/meet in real life do, the world around you does. Stands to reason a "fantasy" world would be the same. You are looking at a moment in time in that place. Yes you learn something of its/their history, but not everything. Heck, you don't even know everything about your parents/partner/ children's lives you can't. Yet you don't feel you have too know, you accept it.

lol with Llafn Meistr there is a whole other book, or rather outline dealing with Del Mark, the death of Stephen's mother and the throwing down of a line of Kings....

There are about six outlines at various time periods for that story A pre-sequel. One five years after the events in the book. One fifteen/twenty years after that. Then one set about thirty to forty, sort of next generation sort of thing which is linked to one set in "modern times" which would fill in the gaps. The one five years has had more work done on it. I might start it after I finish Oracle.

Same with Oracle, I have an outline or rather a few pages of ideas concerning how Oracle came to be and the events running upto it. That would be a bit like a Kipling book set on Oracle's world's version of the Kyber Pass lol... Some of that info has been trickled into the story, some will be some will not, but the background is there. I had to work it out becasue it impinges on the characters very much.

Dawnstorm
April 20th, 2005, 01:34 PM
Lol... this story was just trying to see if I could create something in !st POV that made sense, no big plans for it, but it will get filed away with "possible" stamped on it. A lot of work there though.

Hehe, I really didn't want to push you over the edge on that one. Did I ever mention that my favourite mode of fiction (both writing and reading) is the short story? It's inherent openness is so appealing.

That isn't to say that you can't expand on that one, just that you don't have to.

Come to think of it, a lot of your writing deals with the border line between responsibility and guilt, doesn't it?

Holbrook
April 20th, 2005, 01:49 PM
Come to think of it, a lot of your writing deals with the border line between responsibility and guilt, doesn't it?

I think it is very much a driving force in the human psyche. What will happen because of my actions am I responsible for the actions of other, because my actions have affected them. Should I be guilty? should I care?

I love to play out the possible what ifs and that often finds me not having out and out baddies.... Del Mark(In LM) was what he was because of a choice he made, he wasn't your normal villian. That is what made him so dangerous. A total villian could not split a country in two the way he did. I would love this story to have a bigger readership, so many of my "ideas and thoughts" concerning life as we know it ;) are in there...

Calvinward (In Oracle) believes he is marked to be great, that his country under him can be great. I modelled him a lot on Disraeli and other major Victorian politicians.. lol... He is not completely evil nor is Pugh completely good, both are flawed and Oracle is just Oracle....