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nicba
September 13th, 2001, 01:53 PM
I couldn't find the old topic for discussing this story (don't know if there ever was one). But since rune asked for some feedback I started a new one. I hope he finds it helpful.

I'll try commenting along the way as I read the story, but since it is pretty long I probably won't go into detail. OK, here you go:


******Possible Spoilers******
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First off, it was a nice opening. A seemingly normal day turned into something quite un-normal. And you also managed to tell us something about the main characters personality and give us a glimpse at some special 'talents' of hers.

The way the scene changed from chapter 1 to chapter 2 (as a result of the car accident?) got me thinking on something like a near-death experince or a coma-induced dream (which she may wake from again). I don't know if this was intentional or not, or if this is where the story is going at all. But that was my first thought as I read it. If that isn't the impression you wish to give you might want to include some inner dialog or something wherein Ann ponders her fate and realises the fact that whatever happends to her is quite real.

On a more technical note you have some sentences sounding like questions. For example: "...was this it, was she going to die." I suggests you use question marks for this kind of sentences, instead of just commas and periods. Furthermore you seem to be especially fond of commas http://www.sffworld.com/ubb/smile.gif. I think that, in some places, the text would flow a bit easier if you replaced some of them with full stops.

Otherwise the story flows well. I think you have a real gift for introducing characters and revealing their personalities slowly through their actions and their conversations. You never stops to explain or tell long background stories. I like that.

Hmm, by now I have reached chapter 7, on page 12. I know this is supposed to be a short story and 16 pages is already quite long. Nevertheless I feel that the story is starting to move a little bit too fast. I mean, it can't be more than a couple of days since she arrived in this strange world. And already she have visions in fireplaces and calls wild beast to her. And her new friends are ready to send her off to battle some powerful, evil wizard king all by herself?

And the ending? The coma dream-that-was-not-a-dream thing as I had suspected http://www.sffworld.com/ubb/smile.gif. Tried, but true I guess...

Thanks for the story. I hope my comments will be useful in some way. I'll read the next part another time. It's quite late here and I really have to get some sleep tonight.


[This message has been edited by erebus (edited September 13, 2001).]

rune
September 14th, 2001, 07:15 AM
Thanks nicba your a jem. I really appreciated your useful comments on my first story.
Your very right about it suddenly becoming a bit fast paced, i think that happened because i suddenly realised just how long the story was getting.

I am pleased you also appreciated that the story was not too cluttered with detail, i also like this. I find a story that is too detailed puts me right off and i have often found myself skipping pages and pages in a book because its just full of history etc.

LOL

rune