[rune]

I have finally finshed the second chapter of my story and hope that i have used some of the good tips that other authors so kindly passed on to me.

Any comments would be greatly appreciated.

[nicba]

Hi! I saw that nobody else was inclined to add a comment so I thought I would read your story and give my opinions, whatever they might be worth.

I liked the opening of the chapter. You painted a nice, peaceful picture with few, but well chosen, words. Then you managed to introduce both Serge, Ann and Han and the way these three characters where connected to each other in just a few paragraphs.

But then in the conversation between Han and Serge in the cottage you let the POV change a couple of times between the two persons. It was not exactly confusing, but close I think. Personally, I prefer when authors stays with only one POV per chapter. Or at least uses some seperators, like a series of asterixes, to mark the points where they change them. Then again, it might only be me....

Through the conversation, both in the cottage and on the road to Rhythm Valley, you gave some much needed pointers to the past of the characters and their situation in a quite clever way. It was enough that I could follow the story without having read 'A World of Magic' or 'Fight for Freedom'. Still, I felt clearly that I didn't know the whole story. I was tempted to read the two that came before just to get the whole picture.

As in chapter 1 I found a few spelling / gramar mistakes. But they where only a few. They didn't really get in the way of the story but was still a bit irritating.

I look forward to read the next chapter.

[rune]

I am most grateful for your comments nicba and especially pleased you where able to follow the story even though you hadnt read the other parts.
I would love it though if you comments on the other parts as I put quite a bit of work into them and hope to bring it all together in this conclusive ending.

[Erebus]

Hi Rune,

Good to see that your story is progressing. I have to say that I've not yet had the time to read your latest chapter, but I will soon!

Cheers,

Neil

[Erebus]

Okay...finally I've caught up with your latest chapter, Rune.

While this particular piece of narrative doesn't really give us much more of the story, or a great deal of action for that matter, I was pleased to see that your writing style continues to improve.

I did find some of the dialogue a bit corny though (but perhaps this was intentional?), and at times, a little stilted as well. Try reading it aloud a few times and see if you can pick up on what I mean. You're using quite a lot of dialogue in this chapter to make a relatively small advance in the storyline, so you have to make sure that it's punchy and sustains reader interest.

The various sections of your tale are building slowly into what should be an interesting novella, perhaps? Don't forget about the constant re-reads to pick up on grammatical errors and typo's etc. In particular, though there wasn't much to fault, I did notice that you used your when you meant you're a couple of times, and watch out for the use of the word that when used in relation to people. For example: "the woman that did so and so..." should be the " the woman who..." I used to make this mistake a lot until someone actually pointed it out to me, so I hope you find my feedback helpful too!

So, until the next chapter...

Regards,

Neil

[rune]

Thanks for your imput Erebus, as always I find it very useful. I hadnt noticed the 'that' error so i am pleased you pointed it out to me.

I knew this chapter would slow the pace a little, but felt a little detail about the relationships between the characters was need. Also, it helped bring back in the blind women and give Serge some difficult choses http://www.sffworld.com/ubb/smile.gif

I have sent chp3 and 4 in together, just waiting for them to be posted. The pace picks up again in those.