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SubZero61992
May 6th, 2005, 12:44 PM
This is the finished chapter, so if you werent here when the topic was started then dont pay attention to the next 12 replies.

Chapter 1


“ A new terrorist group!”
“ This group is unstoppable!” “ We need help!” “ Why didn’t we see it coming?”
“ Where is the Elites?” “ Raynt must be ---”
I turned off the television. A new terrorist group had managed to get inside Yunion City and demolish its population. No, that couldn’t be it, not so fast. It had to have been the Raynt Corporation. But why? The Raynt Corporation had developed almost everything in homes across the globe. Why would they suddenly want to kill all of their fans?
It was my personal goal to find out.
I was in the locker room tightening the laces on my boots when my sister came in. She was depressed as I was for my leaving. I stood up as she covered her face and sobbed.
“ Just imagine all of the people I could save, and all of the people that could die if I don’t go.” I told her, knowing nothing I could say would comfort her now. “ What people? You’ve been watching the news have you not? Not even SWAT are influencing them!” she screamed. I grew silent. “ That’s why they call us The Elite. SWAT are civilians compared to us.” I said and giving her one last hug, I left the room for the helicopter pad.
I opened the blast doors with my finger print, and walked outside where the armored helicopter was undergoing the final preps. When I walked out an officer brought me my duffle bag full of all the weapons I would need for the mission. Standing against the wall were six other Elite’s that were to travel with me.
I was nervous to be traveling with them. Most of them were Commandos, but I was still rookie in rank. We were individual fighters, trained to watch each others back unless the situation called for individual thinking. However, they were sending a Commando to lead us. He had been with Raynt for fifteen years and was highly honored on the field. He turned his brown, bold head towards me and for a second I felt he was scanning my spirit to see if I was an Elite worth traveling with. I nodded my head and patted my chest with my palm indicating that I would keep him alive if he kept me alive. But he did not respond with the respectful pat I had hoped for. Instead he nodded, grabbed his duffle bag and boarded the helicopter. We all followed him carrying our black bags with the wolfish Raynt logo on them. Then behind all of us a women with several recording cameras climbed on with us.
I sat down on the leather seats and strapped myself to them. As if he suppose to not talk until we were airborne, the lead Commando began to give us a brief outline of what satellite imaging had shown about Yunion.
“ They Raynt Elites have locked down the entire city using razor edged fences and armed guards. The latest image showed that the guards have been killed by some unseen person. We also identified four mobile SAM’s and several news helicopters are burning outside the fences. Concrete walls were built around most of the city’s border making it impossible to escape. Berg and I will attach cords to the top of the southern wall providing an escape and entrance point for the team. Strangely, we cannot find anybody alive or dead on any of the images. Be alert about anything and report even the slightest bird chirping to me. If you see Elites warn me immediately, for they are not going to be aware of our presence. Do not be afraid to pull the trigger, and do not be afraid of dying.” the Commando finished and sat down.
I looked at the other Elites who all gave me the ‘ What are you looking at.’ stare.
The helicopter was silent, created by Raynt for silent infiltrations and rescue missions. It had mounted machine guns on its bottom and sides which could be programmed to destroy appointed targets. Its boosters made it travel at eighty miles per hour.
“ You’re the rookie they are talking about aren’t you? They say you shot a hostage.” said a Commando. I nodded with a disapproving chuckle. “ It was that or she would have been killed by the terrorist.” I said.
“ And you passed Special Tactics training? Humph!” he laughed.
“ Why don’t you pick on someone your own rank?” said a Elite with a bilingual accent. The Elite removed his straps and sat down beside me. He held out his gloved hand and said, “ I’m Commander Boris from Germany.”
I shook his hand and replied, “ Elite Etchkel, but just call me by Cale.”
“ Yes, Boris is the name I like to be called by. What do you think about the situation in Yunion?” he asked me.
“ I think its odd, everything points towards Raynt, but I cant figure out why Raynt would do such a thing.” I said but immediately wished I hadn’t because all of us worked for them. Boris nodded at my statement. Then trying to escape the moment I asked “ What’s your role with us?” to the women packing recorders.
She was young, seeming to have just left college.
“ My first assignment. They want information to come back from the investigation so I am here to get images to go along with the info you discover. I won’t get in the way.” she said assuring us after many disapproving grunts.
“ Thirty miles to destination!” reported the pilot.
I unzipped my duffle bag to find that everything was new equipment not even in use by other Elites yet. I removed a silver laser sighted pistol and examined it all the way to the Raynt logo on its side then holstered it. Our knives were so sharp it could have easily sliced off a finger in one swipe. I took every ammo clip in the bag and stuck it to the magnetic pads in my suit. At the bottom was a black gas mask with green eye covers and below that a new silver assault rifle with laser scope and extendable stock.
“ We’re ready to kill Hitler!” Boris shouted.
I thought about the new weapons. There had to be a reason they were giving us specialized equipment. I had the feeling that terrorist wasn’t going to be the problem on this mission, it was going to be something far worse.
I began to think about my sister’s words. I should have listened the day they recruited me for the mission. She was against it because she herself was a scientist for Raynt and knew I wouldn’t like the experiments and number of failures you don’t hear about on the news. Maybe I should have listened that day, but then again the world might be living in horror if I hadn’t have gone.

SubZero61992
May 6th, 2005, 12:53 PM
Is this enough for you to critique? I will have to write more some other time because I am leaving again today.

I printed this at my Grandma's house over the weekend ( she doesnt have internet) so I just re-typed it so you can give your starting opinions.

Expendable
May 6th, 2005, 01:43 PM
Your soldier works for the corporation so why would he suddenly think its not a terrorist group? It wouldn't make sense for a corporation to attack itself.

Wouldn't someone brief him on the situation rather than send him in blind? Or is the Elite a security reaction squad?

SubZero61992
May 6th, 2005, 01:54 PM
They have no choice but to send them in blind, the city has basically been overrun by these 'terrorist'.
I hope you dont think these 'terrorist' are human do you? I suppose thats all you could think right now though, right? :D

Archren
May 6th, 2005, 02:49 PM
So far it's interesting, but why would his sister be in the locker room right outside of a military-type helicopter staging area? She sounds much more like a civilian type person.

BTW, I also assumed that the "terrorists" were human, but as you say, this is only the first page.

TheEarCollector
May 6th, 2005, 09:59 PM
Dude, your writing needs some serious work on structure as a big starter... I don't know who is talking or when they are talking...

Also, like Expendable said, it makes NO sense why he automatically assumes that they are trying to damage themselves. I get the impression that the corporation runs this city (and even if they don't actually run it, they run it through consumer buying power).

SWAT "influences" people? I think you need to work on that word choice... maybe "neutralize"

You say "an" officer... is this just some guy in the military he never met because it sounds like he is also in 'The Elite' which should inherently be small and then the guy needs a name because they are very, very intimate (in a completely plutonic way).

Also, is he in a base or is he in his house? I thought base when you are talking about the locker... but then his sister walks in freely and it makes me think living room... and then there is a helipad next door? I am confused about the location.

SubZero61992
May 8th, 2005, 06:37 PM
This is only the half-page I wrote- So I understand most of your confusions.

To clear a few things up- The Elites are owned by the Raynt Corp. The character is an elite and is prepping to go towards the location of all this 'terrorism'. SWAT try to resolve the problems peacefully, and I dont know if you know this but SWAT is considered more 'Honored' then the army because they are in service everyday, right now the army is in service every day like Im sure most were before, but this is something I learned.
His sister works for the Raynt Corp. but she is not an Elite, she is a scientist but there isnt enough detail yet for that to be assumed. The Officer is just someone who doesnt even matter, all he does is bring his duffle bag and *poof*, you'll never read about him again.

The Elites are going in to do something about the situation, my Elite is assuming that Raynt has something to do with this because they are they only ones who could have started something so quickly. All of this is a mystery to everyone across the globe, and in the first chapter you'll discover something fishy about Yunion's resident's. Damn, I sure do have a problem to figure out about where Yunion City belongs, in about every story I have wrote Yunion is some location in it.

Expendable
May 8th, 2005, 10:26 PM
I'm going to give you two ideas.

Take the town/city you're in right now and change it, adding everything you need to build your city the way you need it to be in your story. This gives you a town you already know but built up to what your story needs.

Or pick a place on a map. See if there's a city near that location you can use or pick a different city map and put it in there, changing it as you need to. This usually means more work because you've got to get to know what the area is like.

Either one will give you a place to start. Most importantly a location.

SWAT stands for "Special Weapons and Tactics (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/SWAT)". In your story, you've got them being used to handle a situation peacefully which isn't what SWAT's for. Use your Corp Cops for that.

From the sound of it, your "Elite" is actually a covert 'black ops' unit sent in to clean up corporate disasters before it gets out. Possibly to salvage something useful out of the mess without it getting into the news. So he'd know if his team is being called in, it's another corporate mess for him to clean up.

SubZero61992
May 9th, 2005, 03:07 PM
The Elites can do Black Ops, but their job is centered more around the Raynt Corp. instead of outside jobs. If someone was threatening the Corporation with suicidal bombs or their lead scientist was in danger then they would do anything to save them. In Yunion City the Elites are like secondary cops because the HQ is located there. When I finish the first chapter you will learn why no news is getting out about the present Yunion City, but the Elites are the typical bad guys right now instead of Raynt because they are doing their job, to protect the Corporation. Just to clear something up though, the Elites I'm writing about has no clue whats going on. Just Yunion Elites know the real situation.


SWAT can only shoot once being shot at, and if they can negotiate a truce ( though that wont happen in my story) then they can end something peacefully. SWAT was created to handle terrorism in their own city or town that average cops werent for.
So in a way SWAT is suppose to handle things peacefully but in my story its more like " There is too many!" and when something like that happens a finger on a trigger will seem quite twitchy.

SubZero61992
May 9th, 2005, 03:10 PM
Take the town/city you're in right now and change it, adding everything you need to build your city the way you need it to be in your story. This gives you a town you already know but built up to what your story needs.


Did that over the weekend and it turned out rather interesting. I found out that the Elites will be fighting hordes of zombies depending on the location they go to whilst there is a way to avoid large numbers of zombies that they may discover a little too late...