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Coldmist
May 8th, 2005, 11:26 PM
Many countless nights I spent
Under the trees, in Heartwood
Leaflight, the Mother`s Jewel,
Shone upon us, smiling.

Many lifeless nights I spent
Under the roofs, in Human`s Town,
The Fireplace, the Human`s Warmth,
Burnt in my heart, hatefully.

Many sleepless nights I spent
Under the sea, in Mermaid`s vault,
The white pearl, the Mermaid`s light,
Shone on my neck, gently.

Many starless nights I spent
Under the stones, in Troglodyte`s cave,
Diamonds, as bright as stars,
Shone in my eyes, gleaming.

So the worlds lived on
Never to merge, never to hate
Firm were the walls of steel
Between the worlds, between the lives,

But the walls burst apart
I understand it not
Now gone is me, now gone is you
Now gone is everyone on the earth
And I do not know why

Taralddari nadid sulindar(Taralddar is burning)
Taralddari banid sulindar(Taralddar is darkening)

What I hate is what I face
What I love is what I leave
The Laughing ends, the Mourning starts,
And all begin again.

Expendable
May 8th, 2005, 11:46 PM
I guess this is a begining. As a poem it's strange. If this is the start of a story we need more.

If this is just a poem, put it in the Community.

Dawnstorm
May 9th, 2005, 01:37 AM
But the walls burst apart
I understand it not
Now gone is me, now gone is you
Now gone is everyone on the earth
And I do not know why

1. Be consistent:

I understand it not
...
And I know not why

2. I'm unsure about the line "now gone is everyone..."

Up to now, I had the impression that what was gone was a sense of distinction, not the actual "subjects". (1) You talked about bursting walls. With the subsequent lines I got the impression of me-ness and you-ness merging, as if they were liquids. (2) You said gone is "me"; which is the "object"-form of "I" (representing the onset of self-awareness; a child saying "gimmie"...).

"Everyone" appears to be a shift, though, towards a more literal interpretation. It would be more in line with "Gone am I, gone are you". For consistency, you might try something like "gone is them", which would continue the un-grammitical-ness, and - possibly - still retain what you intended to say. It would also be consistent with the collective use of "Human's", "Troglodyte's" and "Mermaid's". "Everyone" puts to much emphasis on individuals.

***

Have you thought about shifting the Human's stanza after the Troglodyte's? Reason being, the other three appear to be a content-wise unity. Human's appear to be the odd one out. (Might need some re-arranging, as the contrast between the Mermaid's "gently", and the Human's "hatefully" would be lost.)

***


So the worlds lived on
Never to merge, never to hate
Firm were the walls of steel
Between the worlds, between the lives,

I had the impression that this poem's lyrical self represents some spirit of nature, who has troubles coming to terms with human technology (roofs, towns, fireplaces); and the more they take over, the less the "natural" distinctions hold. (If I'm completely off track, ignore this comment.) I find it interesting, then, that the barrier spoken of is a "wall of steel". I do associate steel with human towns. Wouldn't the "poet" be more likely to talk of "stone" (sympathising more with the troglodytes)? Or some other material? A wall of brambles? Of coral?

***

(Minor quibble): Diamonds don't shine in the dark. If anything glows underground, where no light reaches, that would be phosphorus, I think... I don't worry about that too much, though.

***

You might want to play: "Erase the article". In poetry, words that add no sensual/witty meaning should be as scarce as possible.

Example:

"Under the roofs, in Human`s Town,/The Fireplace, the Human`s Warmth," --> "Under the roofs, in Human`s Town,/By Fireplaces, Human`s Warmth,"



It's intriguing. I like it.

SubZero61992
May 9th, 2005, 09:01 PM
I liked it. Couldn't find much bad about it but I have a question, what language is it?


Taralddari nadid sulindar(Taralddar is burning)
Taralddari banid sulindar(Taralddar is darkening)

Coldmist
December 16th, 2005, 10:48 AM
My own invented language:Taralddaran.

AskPik
December 16th, 2005, 12:48 PM
Coldmist,
Nice poem, I liked it. It works as an intro to a story very well.

Is the narrator a person, or being?

Why or how could he/she/it travel between the walls of steel that separated the worlds?

It seems that the poem insinuates that he/she/it has been thrust into a mission of peacemaker. The narrator loves and is familiar with all worlds; now that they've merged, she (I wrote 'she' without thinking--for some reason I naturally think the narrator is female) has to see that they all get along. If that's the case, great idea for a plot--it has the potential of being very rich. That's a huge burden for the hero, however, perhaps she will elicit the help of a small band of do-gooders from each race.

Dawnstorm, I am amazed at your ability to explore people's writing.
I would love to read something you have written.

--Aaron

A. Lynn
December 16th, 2005, 02:21 PM
Hmmm... it does confuse me, it doesn't quite put enough into it. It's hard for me to understand the epic of what has happened. I gather though that the worlds were seperated, yet this one thing somehow knew of the other worlds, but then suddenly the worlds came together but that collision has somehow made them disappeared? Yes, very confused.