View Full Version : critique wanted pls
May 10th, 2005, 12:38 PM
Summarry: The Ascillians are dying, and so is the Orb of Light. Not many know of its existence, and those who do, know that they cannot let it die, for it might be their very end. For the hope of the world a small coterie must escort a child to the Ruins in hopes that he can save the Orb, and in turn save them all.
Hi, this is my first time posting a story on here. It's only the first few chapters, and might be a little long, so i'd appreciate it if you could just read as much as you can and give me some feedback. I hope the link works.
The Orb of Light by Usman Ijaz (http://www.sffworld.com/community/story/482p0.html)
May 11th, 2005, 08:42 PM
The voice is passive, everything is past-tense and disconnected somewhat. Try to put some energy, some life into the story.
Adrian Moor sat on a small wall and looked out into the harbor. The large wooden boats tied to the docks swayed gently with the small waves of the water. He watched the people unloading the ships, watched the bare-chested men that moved around upon the large vessels and the captains that shouted their orders. He noticed the seagulls circling above, but again his eyes rested on the scene before him. To his back was the city of Port Hope, and directly behind rested a large warehouse.
Adrian Moor sat on a small wall, looking out into the harbor. The large wooden boats tied to the docks were swaying gently with the small waves of the water. He watched the people unloading the ships, watching the bare-chested men moving around upon the large vessels and the captains shouting their orders. He noticed the seagulls circling above, but again his eyes resting on the scene before him. To his back was the city of Port Hope, and directly behind rested a large warehouse.
By replacing some of your words ending in -ed and a little editing, doesn't this seem a little more like he's actually watching the scene below?
Your descriptions and conversations are good, but you might want to rethink some of your larger words.
The mob shouts their approval, and their dissension for those on the roasting pit.
Imagine this crowd, roaring as people they disagreed with are thrown into the roasting pit. Doesn't sound strong enough, does it? What about hate? Wouldn't you want to see someone you really hated - to burn?
May 12th, 2005, 12:12 PM
wow, you're definitely right, your edited version reads much stronger. Thank you for the helpful suggestions. I have a question though, how do I know if it is too "past tense" and "disconnected"? Is it just looking for the right words?
May 12th, 2005, 02:23 PM
In your paragraph above, you were telling us what Adrian was seeing - when you the writer tell us the reader, you are using the passive voice.
Read this article on Show, Don't Tell (http://www.writedesignonline.com/assignments/shownottell.html).
May 12th, 2005, 06:58 PM
Just when i think i'm finally getting something down ... lol. Thanks for the feedback and the link.
May 12th, 2005, 07:03 PM
May 15th, 2005, 03:20 PM
I wonder if anyone can tell me if the begining few pages of this story are enough to make you keep wanting to read. Is it interesting? If so, why? If not, then also why? Basically, what works and what doesn't?
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