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MrBF1V3
May 17th, 2005, 02:36 AM
Hi. I've posted yet another story in the community and am, as you have probably guessed by now, looking for feedback of some sort.

Um...caution: Sharpe...

The story is here: www.sffworld.com/community/story/504p0.html

Please read, then post...What did you think? Good? Bad? Ugly? Are the 'good guys' too rude? Do the characters work? Are there annoying errors? Is the ending okay? Would you recommend it to your friends? Any input will be very much appreciated.

B5

Michael2000
May 17th, 2005, 03:36 AM
This is a long piece, but given the time it is something that I'd really like to read. I read about three pages so far and I like the way the characters interact and the descriptions of technology. Seems like a good start on a sci-fi background and strong characters.

Is it okay for you to break it up into parts and post it gradually here? It may be a little easier to take it in that way.

After I've read some more, I'll post again, but keep up the good work!

MrBF1V3
May 17th, 2005, 09:37 AM
Michael2000, I want to aviod posting both in the community and in the threads. But I would be happy to e-mail the story to you, just PM me, and let me know. The same applies to anyone else. (There should be another alternative...?)

I have to wait for every page when I'm in the community. Usually what I do is cut and paste to a file in my computer (temporary file, and I make sure the author's name appears with the work. And I don't share with anyone else. Did I say temporary?) so I can read it off line. I don't mind if anyone does the same with any of my stories.

I'm glad you like it so far. :)

B5

queenmegumi
May 18th, 2005, 12:42 AM
Where am I? Or should I say WHEN am I? When I read the first page that's all I could think of. I'm ASSUMED I was on the moon in the future or in a different galaxy but I'd rather find that out from the start.

The story also seems rushed to me. I think part of the problem was not being able to envision the landscape, etc. Take the time to explore this new place/tme/universe. In truth I couldn't finish the story because I couldn't really follow it or get into it. It was moving too fast with too much info plopped in my lap. I'm being brutal here and it sucks, because NOBODY REALLY likes a harsh review. :( (especially me!!).

Now the good news! :)

I think this story has great potential. I love the threads of humor and the images that I DID understand and that kept me reading were little seemingly mundane things in a whole new place (shifting through mail, etc.). I think with a slightly slower pace and a little more information at the begaining this story would be a great read! :D

MrBF1V3
May 19th, 2005, 12:02 AM
...we might add that I didn't manage to keep you engaged in the story long enough to finish it. If I can't manage that, what's the use? Those are the things I was hoping to find out. Thanks for being honest (you don't have to be brutal, unless you really want to be).

It is unusual to hear that one of my stories is too fast paced, usually the opposite. But this is a newer story, not given my usual year or two for revision, rewriting, reworking, rethinking... all those.

So, I have some items to look at in the next editing pass.

Anything else I should consider?

B5

BTW--I guess someone finished it: it has a rating now. Thanks whoever.

Zanzibar
May 19th, 2005, 11:15 AM
Read it, rated it, liked it a lot, and here I am. The pace does seem a tad fast but that's not really a bad thing. I didn't find it any faster than Net for Geste was, and I liked that story too. I think the reason why it seems too fast for some people is that it's mostly dialogue, which flows much more smoothly and quickly than long-winded descriptions of places and people.

Sharpe's character is solid and I didn't notice any out-of-character actions or speech, so no continuity issues there (also comes from Net for Geste). A lot of the other characters seemed sort of like extras in a movie in that they're not so memorable. Shu and Erick stuck out to me, though I couldn't really form an image of what Gaelt would be like. They're not bad in any way though, just a little forgetable.

I kinda had an issue with augme in that I didn't know how to pronounce it (aug-mee or aug-em?). Also, regarding designiod, did you mean designoid, like in android? If not, I'm not sure how to pronounce it either :rolleyes: .

Anywho, great story, and I really like Sharpe's character.

Michael2000
May 19th, 2005, 11:35 AM
Hah! Sorry, but I've got a lot of nerve saying this story was long. Very good read. :D

Zanzibar
May 19th, 2005, 11:38 AM
Long? Really? I think eight pages is actually a pretty decent read on this site. I've read stories that were upwards of twenty. Those are the one's you need to peruse off-line. Eight pages goes by pretty quickly for me (and I'm not a speed reader or anything). No qualms with the length, MrBF1V3.

Michael2000
May 19th, 2005, 11:59 AM
Yes, that's exactly what I mean. I don't know what I was thinking.

MrBF1V3
May 19th, 2005, 03:25 PM
Step away for a little bit, just to go to work, and look what happens. (I should work more often)

Zanzibar, thanks, glad you liked it. I think there may be room for some extra description, I will at least try it out and see if I think it's an improvement. Maybe put in a little more about some of the characters--not critical, but better is better.

Yes, Augme would be pronounced 'aug-mee', a shortened version of Augmental. Also, designiod would be pronounced like andriod. It wasn't meant to be a compliment.

Michael2000, also, thanks. I wasn't thinking about it, but 8 pages could seem like a lot if your computer downloads s l o w l y. I've had that computer before, and trust me, :mad: . I think the Third Alternative was the longest story I've posted to date, I'll have to look. Like everything else, it gets mixed reviews. If you like it you like it, if you don't, you don't. I learn something from both.

B5

BTW--Point of order, in Net for Geste it wasn't really Sharpe :).