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Mercycat
May 28th, 2005, 09:28 AM
Hi... :eek:
I'm a new user, and technically, I'm only looking up fantasy writing sites so I can get opinions and resources on some of my own fantasy writing... At least I'm honest about it tho!!! So essentially, I've written this long short faerie tale about all the things listed above. My favorite writers are Terry Jones, Tad Williams, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, and Inga Muscio. Not that I don't like many more... oo double negative... i do enjoy those... So my storee is posted at my site... of course... under "posts"... I'm an artist and model too, so don't get too worked up by the pics... It is not a porn site!!! If people would like to read and review a new faery tale that is humorous, semi-satirical, and containing only the message u take away from it yourself (I hate those biblical "this is what u must learn by reading my story" writers) So babble babble... someone feel free to adventure down the long boring trail of hyperlinks to; http://www.mercycat.zoomshare.com and read a faerie tale and tell me wut u think...

choppy
May 28th, 2005, 02:24 PM
Welcome to the site.

There's nothing wrong with considering yourself exclusive to fantasy - especially for the time being. Some people find that helps them to focus on a particular project or series of projects.

I don't have time to have a look right now, but maybe I'll venture by at some point.

There's lots of good writers here and we do have some pretty interesting discussions from time to time.

milady
May 28th, 2005, 08:27 PM
Could you perhaps format it a little better, with paragraphs, etc?

It's too hard to read otherwise.

(nb: it could just be my browser displaying it wrong, if so, apologies).

TheEarCollector
May 29th, 2005, 12:18 AM
Well for starters the rhythm is kind of choppy, you start with one thing and then it breaks as you finish the sentence.

Grammar, 'nuff said.


Dragonís laughter is a fearsome and horrifying sound which shakes a surrounding continent like one billion mischievous imps just given hammers for X-mass
You just held the reader's hand and told them what you wanted them to think about dragon's laughter instead of making dragon's laughter what you described it to be and having the reader come to that conclusion on their on. Instead of saying, "The dog is green and angry," try saying something more like, "The angry green dog exposed it's teeth as I approached." The example is stupid, but you get the point that I know the dog is angry if it is snarling at me... If I just say it's angry it's cheap and not as effective.

You have some tense shifting going on.


The bravest of knights lay buried under the ashes of other bravest of knights
I get that you are trying to go for a fairy tale sound but... bravest are under the bravest? So the bravery of the dead is negated until you decide to mention it? It's a minor detail but the way you work words like this makes a difference. Brave knights could lay under the ashes of other brave knights but the whole bravEST thing isn't working. And it would have to be THE other bravest...


For hundreds of years it had terrorized cities, eaten princesses, and slayed dragon slayers.
I personally would give some life to this list, throw examples into the mix. Right now it feels more like a grocery list than a record of evil deeds.


Life was good for the dragon in those daysÖ But life was not so good, at the moment, for one very little boy.
Your sentence structure here is just lacking, I think you have a misplaced modifier... Otherwise you are making it sound like times are no longer good for the dragon because he is a little boy? I know that's not what you mean, but read it.

Horses are typically ridden, sometimes steered, but rarely do you drive a horse.

Bicycles weren't invented yet? Ummm is this supposed to be cute because it really just feels out of place.

I had no idea the little kid was supposed to be in the cave when you started talking about him... make this clear as soon as you introduce the character.

Adjectives like "Yummy" are a no-go, mostly because it is very subjective and doesn't give us a feel for the taste of princess (that sounds perverse).


Now letís imagine your pet hamster escaped. Letís further imagine that when you woke up the next morning, it was standing on your pillow in a Napoleon hat, claiming to be seeking vengeance for some unknown random thing.
This feels out of place too... you have completely switched the voice from which the story is being told. Everything else sounds like it is happening, and then you completely throw that out the window and pretend you are telling this story to a little kid. Maybe you are trying to have the whole thing sound like it is being told, but it isn't working, and in parts like this the flow is broken.

This kid doesn't feel eight at all... he has endured a long journey it seems, and even formulated a plan on how he is going to avenge a princess (quite possibly the only princess without cuties at his age?).

That's just part one I will get to the others some other time. So far the biggest problem is your voice. I don't know if it is supposed to be a little kid's story, I don't know if you want it to be taken serious... The voice from which the story is told seems to be wandering between the two, and it isn't working. I think you need to work on this character's motivation and background too, an 8 year old avenging a princess? Doesn't he have any parents that keep him from crusading against firebreathing monsters? You get the point (not to mention that I don't believe a 8 year old is going to go through all that to save a princess, he's 8).

Anyways, hope that helps, for now.

TheEarCollector
May 31st, 2005, 09:58 AM
Upon reviewing your story again (after reading the foreword) I have come to the conclusion that it is in fact supposed to be a children's story... But there are still many parts where I felt it was supposed to be "grown up."

I am going to have to say that I think the language is what caused the confusion for me, some of it is kidsy while some of the words are just dark. This story could very easily shift from kids to satire or back, and I think a lot of the language needs to be worked on to get it set one way or the other.

Words like "terrorize," "vengeance," "guffaw," all just clash with the story and with the dark nature of the dragon you are dancing on a fine line and I am not really sure what to take from it.
Hope that helps in your editings.

Mercycat
June 1st, 2005, 06:22 PM
Hiya...
Almost forgot about this forum... it stopped sending me updates... and that's sad, as I would not have gotten my word fer word feedback. I do appreciate it. And I do agree that the begining is the weakest part of the story. But how does one go and remodel the first 5 pages of a 30 word story? The Story did begin as a doodle on a sunday. U can easily tell which pages were hand scrawled...
Also, some of this was written with a particular 8 year old in mind, that which wasn't written for the 8 yr old i used to be... The "big" words are maybe a bit much... but I'd always rather cater to the overly intelligent and inquisitive child than dumbing it down to the average american standard... but that ought to give away just enough of my snobbery... Some of it has to do with the pentameter of the sentence... (Did I use that right?) and some of it has to do with that I like some of those words too much... especially terrorize and guffaw... who doesn't like those words?
Have U ever read Nicobobinus by Terry Jones? I was sooo desperately wishing for a dark faerie tale for adults and children that was all a matter of word play and riddles. Most of my stuff comes out too overly poetic, like in the begining of this story. I'm just lucky it didn't rhyme.
I am looking throught the notes, and how to repair some of the non-fluidity in my writing. Like that sentence before this. Or that one... You get it...
As per the formatting on my webpage... yes it sux... I've even gotten used to typing with no formatting naturally.. ugh... I'd feel bad posting all 50 pages to make someone else host them... And I'm not sure where I'd want it posted anyhow... Cest la Vie...
Thank you a hundred times oveer for ur insights... I get so lost on a single word of my story that seeing it distanced is near impossible... I spose thats why they have editors... I wonder what woody allen is doing... Well, I hope my story touches someone or touched something or perhaps if it's even acknowledged as a story worth the reading I could hope for that... Thats all any writer could want I spose...
Smiles, Meows, Purrs,
-Mercycat
:p
:rolleyes:
:D




Upon reviewing your story again (after reading the foreword) I have come to the conclusion that it is in fact supposed to be a children's story... But there are still many parts where I felt it was supposed to be "grown up."

I am going to have to say that I think the language is what caused the confusion for me, some of it is kidsy while some of the words are just dark. This story could very easily shift from kids to satire or back, and I think a lot of the language needs to be worked on to get it set one way or the other.

Words like "terrorize," "vengeance," "guffaw," all just clash with the story and with the dark nature of the dragon you are dancing on a fine line and I am not really sure what to take from it.
Hope that helps in your editings.

Expendable
June 1st, 2005, 06:55 PM
It was an interesting story, not bad for a fractured fairy tale. Take some time to edit this, you might find a market.

TheEarCollector
June 1st, 2005, 11:38 PM
Well Mercycat, I am going to say something that most people hate to hear, but I find it to be the only way that I can fix my stories which just start out of nowhere and then develop. Rewrite it.

You already have the framework of the story, it's even fleshed out for the most part, so just start reading over it and rewrite it and there will be a world of difference in the little details you throw in afterwards.

Dawnstorm
June 2nd, 2005, 04:06 AM
Hi.

Just dropped in to say, I liked the story. :D


And I do agree that the begining is the weakest part of the story.

And I disagree!

The language in the beginning was cute, spritely, ironic; but it kind of petered out. The story was still interesting, but language kind of dulled a bit.

Haven't got the time, now, for a detailed response; but re-read the Earcollector's comments: I agree with his observations, but I come from the other side.

For example:


I personally would give some life to this list, throw examples into the mix. Right now it feels more like a grocery list than a record of evil deeds.

Yes, it does sound like a grocery list. it should sound like a grocery list.

There's been so many evil deeds on record that I don't even know where to begin to be bored. Grocery lists are refreshing!

(Well, records of evil deeds are okay, too, really...)

And that little Napoleon Hamster intrusion made wish I had a hamster so I could imagine him as Napoleon. But you can't have everything, I guess...

TheEarCollector
June 2nd, 2005, 10:20 AM
As far as the grocery list, I understand what you are saying Dawnstorm, and for that to work I think the list would have to feel more mundane, and drag out for longer. It would work a lot easier if you could speak it, but you have to make the story sound like Ben Stein right there...