PDA

View Full Version : critique , chapter 7 ,


SFFWorld.com
Home - Discussion Forums - News - Reviews - Interviews

New reviews, interviews and news

New in the Discussion Forum


Pages : [1] 2 3

marymoonshine
May 28th, 2005, 10:44 AM
hiya ive just posted my 7th chapter on the stories board:
http://www.sffworld.com/community/story/533p0.html

i would really appreciate it if any of you would read it and give me any criticisms , as i am on the verge of revising it.

thanks

Claire xxxx

milady
May 28th, 2005, 08:41 PM
It's ok. I sort of skimmed it.

I think you should tone zvecker's dialogue down a bit.

And please, please, please, format it!
At least one space between paragraphs, or even better, two.

The vman was interesting, but there seem to be a lot of characters. maybe too many to distinguish - but i haven't read the start of the story, so i'm probably wrong, and they're all probably properly characterised.

oh, and the bit where they're like 'we shouldn't tell the older people because they're keeping secrets from us, and we won't be able to find out what their secrets are if we tell them ours' doesn't make logical sense. say something like, 'they don't trust us so we shouldn't trust them, yet. until we're sure they're trustworthy etc, we shouldn't tell them.'

That's just my opinion, it's kindly meant - but ignore it if you want. I could be wrong. (except about the formatting. :D :rolleyes: )

marymoonshine
May 29th, 2005, 09:45 AM
thankyou so much for the feed back sorry i didnt format it, i didnt think about that when i was pasting it in :)

queenmegumi
May 29th, 2005, 01:31 PM
I looked for other chapters......where are they? Is Chapter 7 just the name? I'm confused... :p

I like your style of writing, but I have to agree there's a lot of characters thrown at me at once. It might be best to introduce later or re-consider their importance to the story. Sometimes the story feels a bit rushed to me too. Don't be afraid to slow down and take in the surroundings. :)

Meghan Sullivan

marymoonshine
May 30th, 2005, 03:43 AM
i posted the first chapter on a while ago but i think i took it off after it was stop being read. i havent posted the other chapters on here because i get a bit paranoid about it :( it might just be me being silly.To be honest this chapter is the shortest ( and probably most rushed) of my 23 chapters. That is why i have asked for you help in improving it :) by the way there isnt that many characters all the way through and i am considering changing the book slightly cutting out some of the characters.
Thank you so much for your reply, it is greatly appreciated :)

queenmegumi
May 30th, 2005, 12:43 PM
Don't be shy! Post the whole story. People here at sffworld are very helpful with reviews and I bet many will enjoy your writing. It doesn't have to be perfect right off the bat; that's what critiques are for! :D

Meghan Sullivan

marymoonshine
May 30th, 2005, 03:34 PM
i know this will sound silly but i get scared because its there for the whole world to see lol and its hasnt been copywrited and i get scared of plagiarism ( not that anyone would want to ) :) i would prefer to email it to people individually if they really wanted to read it
besides 129000 words is a lot for people to go through :)

Sir Stephen
May 31st, 2005, 04:36 PM
I have a few points that havn't been mentioned.

Firstly your main characters a girl called Blaze. Blaze?! Aware that this is chapter 7 and there may well be a good reason for her name, but somehow I doubt it. A name like that makes me feel like I'm reading trashy fanfiction, and thats something you want to avoid. Hell, it could just be me, but when I encounter a character (esp a teenage girl) named Blaze, it makes me want to hit things.

Secondly, (and maybe this is just me again) some other names bothered me too. I'm sure you could think of better ones. The Land of Spindular? Are you really sure you want to go with that?

Thirdly, the part with the witch in the swamp seemed tagged-on and rather pointless. She came across as a budget-cut third-rate Galladriel. Leave derivative-cack lines like "evil things lurk in dark corners" to Terry Brookes. Believe me, he's got a monopoly on them, and your better than that.

Fourthly, why not post the first six chapters. Then this one might make more sense. Your story is already by law copywrite, and belongs to you already. While that gives you little protection from people ripping off your ideas in reality, I think your overestimating the threat. Most people are more interested in writing their own stuff than looking for stuff to plagiarise. I myself havn't been a member of this forum too long, but I've never heard complaints from anyone regarding this.

queenmegumi
May 31st, 2005, 10:37 PM
For someone who claims to be a registered knight that sure wasn't gallant, Stephen. :eek: Honesty is a good policy to be sure, and I agree it's a good idea to steer clear of too many sterotypical characters/plots, but I disagree with the first two points. If the author wants her character to be named Blaze, then Blaze it shall be. Besides, it's amazing what parents will name their kids (just look at what celebraties come up with: fruit, abstract concepts, etc.). I'm tired of the tounge-twisting names Robert Jordan gives his characters and find an easy name quite refreshing. I'd do the same with my chacters in The Owl and The Eagle but the names are based on real people from Ancient Greece so I can't name them Bob or Fred LOL. And hey, I'm no fan of Terry Brooks either but that author laughs all the way to the bank, so he must be doing SOMETHING right. :p

Sir Stephen
June 1st, 2005, 07:54 PM
Ouch.

Lets be fair, I did say regarding the names was my own personal reaction to them.