I would love to here peoples' opinions on my poem The Dancer.... http://www.sffworld.com/community/poem/419.html
June 6th, 2005, 09:54 AM
Imagery is good. Fair structure but your meter's off a bit.
10,8,6,8 9,6,8,7 8,6,8,7.
Anyway, I liked it. Got any more?
June 6th, 2005, 12:50 PM
I liked your poem. The imagery is stunning.
However, you could improve your meter. You start out with a brilliant couplet. Listen to its rhythm, without the words.
Dam da da Dam da da Dam da Dam da
Dam da da Dam da da Dam
The words read effortlessly; the poetry comes natural.
Apart from the rhythm, you create internal resonance with lots of consonances "s" and "d" in line1, "l" in line two.
These lines made me expect a meter that's very disciplined, yet seems effortless (as the first two lines do). But the lines that follow don't seem to follow any scheme (it's not even free-verse; the first couplet is too perfectly structured for that, and the first line of the second stanza is a perfect iambic pentameter).
To see what I mean, you could try to imagine your dancer dancing to the word-rhythm of your poem. Could she do that?
This doesn't matter much, though, as your imagery is beautiful.
Line 4 is the only one that I don't like. The syntax is odd (not unusual in poetry, but - usually - a means to avoid breaking a strict meter), "is what she" are three words in a row that don't invoke much...
But apart from that line you've got a very good poem. :)
June 6th, 2005, 08:47 PM
Oooh, a poetry critique! :)
Soft is the sound of the spinning dancer,
Graceful and lithe are her leaps.
Ornately does she pose,
Poise and balance is what she keeps.
Your strongest stanza. My only comment is the "pose" of the third line and the "Poise" of the last line jar me a bit as they are so close together. Switching "Poise" and "balance" would fix that.
Naked beauty lies upon her face,
With limbs gently flowing.
Silent rythem moves her being,
Watched without knowing.
The first line stopped me. I get the image of naked beauty laying on her face like a mask. I don't think that's what you want. How about "Naked beauty lights her face"? Rhythm is misspelled in line 3. It also seems like you chose "being" to continue the -ing endings of the last three lines. "Spirit" might be a better word choice.
Swift are her feet upon the floor,
Gently turning as one.
Moving like a whispering dream,
Rippling like the fading sun
This stanza is ok, but I have a few issues with your imagry. The descriptions of her feet as "swift" in line one and "gently turning" in line two work against each other. I don't imagine a dancer's feet moving as one in any case. Its the independant movemnt of arms and legs that makes dancing what it is.
Also, the final line pulled me up a bit short. The sun doesn't ripple unless its shimmering through the heat or reflected off the water. Adding that short description will make the image more accurate while not hurting the rhythm.
You might not be able to tell from all my critiques, but I actually quite liked the poem. Just wanted to make a few suggestions that might improve it.