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Leo
June 8th, 2005, 07:43 PM
I think this is my best work yet. but if you people can do me a favor and critque it for me Teirra nova is new and is not fully developed but i hope its better my other stuff :) :cool: :D i know its short but its going to be great if i get the clear to go with it


i need to know if this experiment is good to go forward with

i have updated Teirra nova its getting better so take a look i have added a twist to it, i hope you like

michaelS0620
June 8th, 2005, 07:53 PM
Leo, it would be easier for us to critique your masterpiece, if you included the link :)

http://www.sffworld.com/community/story/555p0.html

Michael

Leo
June 8th, 2005, 07:56 PM
Leo, it would be easier for us to critique your masterpiece, if you included the link :)

http://www.sffworld.com/community/story/555p0.html

Michael

sos what did you think of the story is it good

queenmegumi
June 8th, 2005, 11:49 PM
I love the concept of the story. It's very unique (and chillingly enough not entirely impossible!) and it seems like you have an outline for a much bigger story. I think if you chose to stretch this out into an actual 500 page novel people would buy it. Some of your sentence structure is a odd though, and needs work. Other than that I would tinker with this one it has great potential. :D

Leo
June 9th, 2005, 11:02 AM
I love the concept of the story. It's very unique (and chillingly enough not entirely impossible!) and it seems like you have an outline for a much bigger story. I think if you chose to stretch this out into an actual 500 page novel people would buy it. Some of your sentence structure is a odd though, and needs work. Other than that I would tinker with this one it has great potential. :D


thank you and it will become a novel i am just testing it out here. if you want more just say so and i would be happy to keep updateing.

choppy
June 9th, 2005, 01:52 PM
Hi Leo,

Thank you for sharing the beginning of this story. I hardly think you need the "clear" from us to go ahead with it. If you enjoy writing it, then by all means continue.

In this chapter we are introduced to Jessica, a soldier, who has woken to find that China has attacked the United States. She is called to duty and issued the task of infiltrating occupied Washington which is protected by some sort of shield. In light of the current political atmosphere this plot is rather Tom Clancy-esque with what appears to be a science fiction twist. I think you have an interesting idea here and would encourage you to develop it.

You may want to consider doing a little research into military structure, or at least including a little more info in this chapter. I'm assuming she's a naval officer because she's a lieutenant reporting to a commander, but they are both reporting to a general (an army rank), which strikes me as odd. Naturally this is set in the future and she could likely be part of some joint task force (which are coming into increasing use), but this should probably be specified. Phrases like Commander Rio, its good to see you where Rio is the commander's first name, and "high command" which sounds a little Klingon-esque are a little jarring.

As a rule of thumb, it's always good to start a new paragraph when a new person is speaking. Otherwise the dialogue can get difficult to follow.

There were a few other grammar nitpicks such as the use of its vs it's that you should do a self-edit for.

Walking off the long stretch of deck... This is actually fine, but for some reason this gave me the impression she was about to fall into some water.

Imperialist China should probably be communist China.

Overall, not too bad in my opinion. Keep writing!

Leo
June 9th, 2005, 02:32 PM
Hi Leo,

Thank you for sharing the beginning of this story. I hardly think you need the "clear" from us to go ahead with it. If you enjoy writing it, then by all means continue.

In this chapter we are introduced to Jessica, a soldier, who has woken to find that China has attacked the United States. She is called to duty and issued the task of infiltrating occupied Washington which is protected by some sort of shield. In light of the current political atmosphere this plot is rather Tom Clancy-esque with what appears to be a science fiction twist. I think you have an interesting idea here and would encourage you to develop it.

You may want to consider doing a little research into military structure, or at least including a little more info in this chapter. I'm assuming she's a naval officer because she's a lieutenant reporting to a commander, but they are both reporting to a general (an army rank), which strikes me as odd. Naturally this is set in the future and she could likely be part of some joint task force (which are coming into increasing use), but this should probably be specified. Phrases like Commander Rio, its good to see you where Rio is the commander's first name, and "high command" which sounds a little Klingon-esque are a little jarring.

As a rule of thumb, it's always good to start a new paragraph when a new person is speaking. Otherwise the dialogue can get difficult to follow.

There were a few other grammar nitpicks such as the use of its vs it's that you should do a self-edit for.

Walking off the long stretch of deck... This is actually fine, but for some reason this gave me the impression she was about to fall into some water.

Imperialist China should probably be communist China.

Overall, not too bad in my opinion. Keep writing!

thank you for the input, and will keep it in mindi will make the neccesary adjustments. and about the ranking Jessica is Army. and reason i put them together is because its a joint strike force. in the begining i talk about the dragoons being a special ops group that is what they are. i will mention it later in the story. and about the imperialist part the reason why i put that in is because the enemy in the story is the imperial party.

Dawnstorm
June 9th, 2005, 02:58 PM
First, I have to start by saying that I don't normally read military fiction. If this was a short story of more pages, I'd probably read on; if this was a novel I probably wouldn't. I certainly wouldn't if this was one where you're led to root for one side. That isn't my cup of tea. But all that's just personal taste, and it's really got nothing to do with your story, but I think you ought to know so that you can take my comments for what their worth. :)

So, first a little thing: You've got various versions of this, but none is correct. It's Rio de Janeiro. (Especially in a military story, it's a good idea to show respect to foreign states by getting their names right... ;) )

Next: Often your sentences take too much in a sweep, or go into too much detail, depending on the effect you want to achieve.

Example:


“Lieutenant, I suggest you turn on your television. You are going to want to see what is going on”. Taking the commanders advice, Jessica turned on the Television and saw just what he was talking about. On every channel the same thing was going on; Imperialist China had managed to hit Washington. Seeing the city in ruins she got back to the phone and in weary voice said

“ Rio Dijenero is going to want us back as soon as possible aren’t they?”

May I draw your attention to the sentence: "On every channel..."

This sentence implies a lot: Jessica switched on the TV, Jessica saw the news, Jessica switched channels, found no channel where this wasn't on (what? not even MTV?)...

This would be okay, if you're not yet into story telling mode, but instead you're summerizing what's gone before so the story proper makes sense. But since you've got direct speech this isn't likely your intention.

So what's the effect of this lack of detail? The urgency of the scene doesn't get across. Let's take this in steps.


“Lieutenant, I suggest you turn on your television. You are going to want to see what is going on”.

Considering what happened, the commander's using quite a lot of words. Wouldn't he be too excited to say "going to want to see what is going on"?

But perhaps that's his personality?


Taking the commanders advice, Jessica turned on the Television and saw just what he was talking about.

So she took no cue from her Commander's voice? She didn't try to guess what he was up to? (We are in Jessica's PoV, right?) "Taking the commanders advice" sounds a bit strange, almost like "oh, since you're calling, I might as well...". Not like "what the ****'s so important that you call me when I'm tired from a hard day's training?"


On every channel the same thing was going on; Imperialist China had managed to hit Washington.

Now, we're with the sentence that first caught my attention: it's like your giving the information, rather than let it unfold from the events (as I said, that might be what you want, but then you might want to go back and take out some of the more direct details, such as dialogue.)


Seeing the city in ruins she got back to the phone and in weary voice said

“ Rio Dijenero is going to want us back as soon as possible aren’t they?

Got back to the phone? She went away from it? When? Isn't that bad form, especially when talking to your commander?

Here's an example, how I would edit this into a more vivid scene. I'm not doing this to show off, but (a) because I can't resist - it's a good exercise and (b) you might see better where I'm coming from than from just abstract comments. I'm putting the scene in spoiler tags, so that you can ignore it, if you think it's preposterous.

"Lieutenant, I suggest you turn on your television," Commander Bolton replied in that calm voice he only used when he was deeply disturbed. Jessica's left hand reached for the remote control and switched on the TV. For a while, she stared. Then she switched channel. Then again. And again. Always the same.

Imperial China had managed a hit on Washington.

Staring at a wasteland of brick and stone, she spoke distractedly into the receiver of her phone: "Rio De Janeiro is going to want us back as soon as possible, aren’t they"

You're hurrying through other scenes, too. I hope you see what I mean.

Keep writing. You've got something worthwhile going. :)

milady
June 9th, 2005, 08:28 PM
It's a good idea. I like this apocoplyptic stuff.

I back up Dawnstorm; some of the scenes did seem a bit rushed, and perhaps we should see some more emotional reaction from Jessica.

I think you should improve the formatting. each dialogue should get its own paragraph. paragraphs should probably be double-spaced too. If you do this (I know it isn't changing the story, but it is important) but there is more chance people will read through your story, rather than squinting and thinking, 'my eyes can't take it.'

I think you should put more effort into character-developing. The rest of it seems good though. And I really like the way you get into the action near immediately (Washington's attacked, in the next chapter she'll probably have to go in and fight - action already. :D ).

so, anyway, continue writing. :)

Leo
June 10th, 2005, 12:23 AM
It's a good idea. I like this apocoplyptic stuff.

I back up Dawnstorm; some of the scenes did seem a bit rushed, and perhaps we should see some more emotional reaction from Jessica.

I think you should improve the formatting. each dialogue should get its own paragraph. paragraphs should probably be double-spaced too. If you do this (I know it isn't changing the story, but it is important) but there is more chance people will read through your story, rather than squinting and thinking, 'my eyes can't take it.'

I think you should put more effort into character-developing. The rest of it seems good though. And I really like the way you get into the action near immediately (Washington's attacked, in the next chapter she'll probably have to go in and fight - action already. :D ).

so, anyway, continue writing. :)

i appreciate it and i see i will do everything i can to develop it better, and yes you will get to see some fighting. but i plan to develop the chrachters in time, its a method that i use to keep the people thinking.