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FriedEyeball
June 15th, 2005, 10:39 AM
Even BIGGER UPDATE!
BIG UPDATE


---
Hiya,
If you get a chance or maybe just want to suck in some good karma, you might take a look at my story (it's more of a chapter, actually):

Flashing Skies

http://www.sffworld.com/community/story/558p0.html

I've never put anything out to an audience other than family and friends, and I'm looking for objective (even not so objective) opinions.

Thanks :)

- Rozz

Here's the Leinad pistol that appears in the story (click for bigger picture):

http://img60.echo.cx/img60/5154/leinad221yk.th.jpg (http://img60.echo.cx/my.php?image=leinad221yk.jpg)

queenmegumi
June 15th, 2005, 01:01 PM
Rozz--

it's a great story and I love the images you used. I hope you post more (there is more, right)? The only thing I would work on is the title. I didn't know the story was about English or Albert being Regent and almost skipped the story because I thought it had to do with well....hammers or something! It's up to you, but by hinting in the title what your story is about or WHEN it takes place might draw readers in. Once they're in they'll be hooked ;)

Meghan Sullivan
The Owl and The Eagle

FriedEyeball
June 15th, 2005, 01:07 PM
Rozz--

it's a great story and I love the images you used. I hope you post more (there is more, right)? The only thing I would work on is the title. I didn't know the story was about English or Albert being Regent and almost skipped the story because I thought it had to do with well....hammers or something! It's up to you, but by hinting in the title what your story is about or WHEN it takes place might draw readers in. Once they're in they'll be hooked ;)

Meghan Sullivan
The Owl and The Eagle

- Hey thank you very much for what you said :). I'm really happy you liked it.
There is more, yeah. I just have to put it together :)

Yeah, the title was sort of arbitrary. I'll think of something more eye-catching.

Thanks again, Meghan.

FriedEyeball
June 15th, 2005, 07:01 PM
The Hereditary Handywoman is now called Flashing Skies, for anyone who wants to know :). It refers to something that'll happen later on. Oooh...

- Rozz

Expendable
June 15th, 2005, 08:59 PM
...and certainly not the French trade delegate discovered headless in a maintenance corridor upon airlanding in Paris.Airlanding? Did he cross by boat, ferry or zeppelin? The first zeppelin didn't fly until 1900 and your story starts in 1863.


Those were the instructions to follow if you wished to enter the Hall of the Gypsy King alive. Wilhelmina followed them to the letter, almost by instinct, for she had come here perhaps seven hundred times since learning them.
I don't know if it's necessary to be so specific on how many times she's gone this way - and stranger that she's never ran into the constable on patrol before, if this is his regular beat.


For she was travelling to Cuba in a few days, acting as escort to one of the Regent’s numerous nieces. They were to travel by zeppelin, which would take three weeks there and back, and who knew how long the niece would insist on sunning herself? Wilhelmina was yet to receive her brief from Commander Partington in Whitehall, but experience told her it may well be a stay of two months or more.
Zeppelins again - I think you're looking at a steamship passage instead. You're doing an awful lot of telling here - why not show us instead. And how does she know she's going to Cuba if she's not been briefed yet? Why not have her visit Whitehall, get her briefing and then pay her husband a visit first? This would show she's an assassin instead of you having to tell us.


She lay down on a recliner.
You can use laid here instead of lay.

I do like your story - it does go fast, well-written and your infodumps are brief and direct. But I think you need to work on showing us Wilhelmina Curtsworth's world instead of telling us about it.

FriedEyeball
June 16th, 2005, 12:00 PM
Quote:
...and certainly not the French trade delegate discovered headless in a maintenance corridor upon airlanding in Paris."

"Airlanding? Did he cross by boat, ferry or zeppelin? The first zeppelin didn't fly until 1900 and your story starts in 1863."

- By zeppelin. It's an alternate universe, and I'm trying to show rather than tell (attempting to, anyway) :)
Airland is a common term in this universe, and I'm trying to keep it natural by not explaining how it's different from the actual real-world period.



Quote:
Those were the instructions to follow if you wished to enter the Hall of the Gypsy King alive. Wilhelmina followed them to the letter, almost by instinct, for she had come here perhaps seven hundred times since learning them.


"I don't know if it's necessary to be so specific on how many times she's gone this way - and stranger that she's never ran into the constable on patrol before, if this is his regular beat."

- Yeah, that makes a lot of sense, thanks :)


Quote:
For she was travelling to Cuba in a few days, acting as escort to one of the Regent’s numerous nieces. They were to travel by zeppelin, which would take three weeks there and back, and who knew how long the niece would insist on sunning herself? Wilhelmina was yet to receive her brief from Commander Partington in Whitehall, but experience told her it may well be a stay of two months or more.


"Zeppelins again - I think you're looking at a steamship passage instead. You're doing an awful lot of telling here - why not show us instead. And how does she know she's going to Cuba if she's not been briefed yet? Why not have her visit Whitehall, get her briefing and then pay her husband a visit first? This would show she's an assassin instead of you having to tell us."

- Yeah, it just happened that way when I started writing it; I wanted the reader to see this attractive woman who was well liked and then reveal what she was.


Quote:
She lay down on a recliner.


"You can use laid here instead of lay."

- Thanks for the tip.

"I do like your story - it does go fast, well-written and your infodumps are brief and direct. But I think you need to work on showing us Wilhelmina Curtsworth's world instead of telling us about it."

- I was planning the briefing scene somewhere. I've it written, so I'll work it in somehow.

Thanks for your help!

- Rozz

FriedEyeball
June 16th, 2005, 02:16 PM
Just to let you know, I've updated the story and I think it works much better.

Thank y'all!

- Rozz

P.S. There's some amazing stuff on this site. I love your Greco-Persian stuff, Meghan, the quality of the writing is amazing, it really flows. I'm reading Aristonice next. I can't find any of your stuff, Expendable... (?)

Expendable
June 16th, 2005, 08:43 PM
I keep a few poems and some short stories in the Community.

--Ex.

queenmegumi
June 17th, 2005, 12:35 AM
God bless you Rozz, you made my night! :D I'll go back and read your ab-fab story and let you know what I think!

Expendable
June 17th, 2005, 01:40 AM
The briefing makes for a nice introduction.


It wasn’t long before the meeting concluded and she heard the panel slide open. Robb came in and was about to say how bloody awful it was to have all the world’s problems on his shoulders, but she was on him like a tigress, dragging him on to the recliner.
I liked the conversation that was here before but this works.


A solid hour was spent in lovemaking.I'd suggest cutting this.


He was a fit man of forty, broad of shoulder and barrelled of chest. But for all of that, his skin was very pale, his work requiring most of his days be spent sleeping in. His hair was black and full for all his forty years, and only just beginning to silver at the temples. His eyes were dark pools, and sharper than the blade in his boot. He was a ruffian of the first order, and Wilhelmina loved him. This interrupts the flow. Can you spread some of this description to when we first get a glimpse of him with his men and maybe spread the rest to the pillowtalk?


When they were done, she lay on Robb’s bare chest as she broke the bad news. I like this, a good description but what happened to his knife scar?


Robb was livid. “Those imbeciles,” he said, “do they have any idea of people management? Escorting a bloody blue blood brat, not even a British brat, a bloody Prushy. This country’s going to pot, I tell you, Will.”

She let him rant on in this vein for a while, pinching his nipples until his mind turned to more immediate matters. Very good writing.