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SubZero61992
June 20th, 2005, 05:58 PM
I have a good feeling this chapter needs a lot of work because I don't like dealing with fast paced action and keeping inside the character and not describing every thing outside. It is about a soldier who receives major surgery after being the victim of a plasma grenade and awakes to find parts of his body mechanical.

Chapter 1: Fatal Injuries


“ Fall back!” shouted General O’Connor.
I could barely hear him but the words struck fear deep inside me. We were impossibly outnumbered. As he repeated the words my assault rifle ran out of ammo and I had no choice but to toss it aside and draw my pistol.
The aliens were greatly reducing our numbers on every planet except Wesker Nine and Eleven. There was so many aliens that any where you shot it was guaranteed to hit an alien. Suddenly I was pulled down into a trench by a fellow soldier. “ Eagle pilots said to rendezvous at the top of this peek so they can extract us, they are bringing heavy artillery for cover fire!” he shouted right in my ear but even so it sounded like a whisper. “ This trench will get us a good ways to the hill! Follow me!” he said. I nodded. Keeping our heads down, the soldier and I ran through the trench.
The aliens were so busy and crowded they didn’t notice us.
Soldiers began to join us as we ran and as they kept joining the aliens began to notice. An explosion blew me and some other soldiers out of the trench. I groaned in pain and removed a piece of shrapnel from my arm. Desperately I ran back towards the trench then towards the peek. As promised, three Eagle drop ships were flying in and dropped three tanks. Using their cover fire, I began to run towards the Eagles so I could go home.
I threw my pistol aside as I began to ascend the hill leading to the peek.
I thought I was safe and home bound, but then I saw a green plasma grenade hit the hill and roll down towards me. I froze in fear and shock as it exploded two feet from me. The last thing I remembered before passing out was looking at my right arm, or where it should have been.

Expendable
June 20th, 2005, 06:51 PM
It's brief.

Slow down a bit, take some time to introduce us to the soldier, to show us the aliens and the landscape.

What does the air smell like? What does a plasma explosion sound like?

SubZero61992
June 20th, 2005, 06:54 PM
Well, its intended to be brief but it will take me atleast 2 days to actually get the detail of things in there because it drives me nuts describing things in fast paced action.

Expendable
June 20th, 2005, 06:58 PM
Just try giving some vague descriptions. Combat- especially close combat, is going too fast.

FriedEyeball
June 20th, 2005, 08:15 PM
- Hiya. I think you could build on what you've written here. Some formatting could help too; I don't know if you just pasted it from somewhere else or what.

Quote: "and removed a piece of shrapnel from my arm"

- Maybe you could use a richer word than "remove". It's just that it doesn't convey what it might feel like to actually do it. Is it a sharp pain, is the shrapnel still hot, does it singe his fingers when he tries to yank it out? That's what combat is to me. It's the grit first, the tactics second.

- Rozz

SubZero61992
June 20th, 2005, 08:18 PM
Thanks for the replies.
I am working on it now, so I might post a newer version tommorow.
Either way, FriedEyeBall, the forum automatically alligns the text to the left and I had it perfect when I copied it so I dont know if there is a way to keep it TAB'ed and stuff.

FriedEyeball
June 20th, 2005, 09:22 PM
Thanks for the replies.
I am working on it now, so I might post a newer version tommorow.
Either way, FriedEyeBall, the forum automatically alligns the text to the left and I had it perfect when I copied it so I dont know if there is a way to keep it TAB'ed and stuff.

- Yeah, it did that to mine, too. http://www.sffworld.com/community/story/558p0.html I guess we should think about uploading our stuff to servers as HTML, or whatever.

- Rozz

queenmegumi
June 21st, 2005, 12:18 AM
I agree that it seems like a quick sketch of a chapter. I want to know how the character FEELS or what they're thinking (or if they're not a sentence like "there was no time to think" or "it was all pure madness" really sets the mood). I like the description of how a shout sounds like a whisper in battle; it's a great description. I would like to see more of that.

Meghan R Sullivan
The Owl and The Eagle

Jacquin
June 21st, 2005, 10:24 AM
I know it sounds trite but try to show us things more. You tell us a lot here and it sounds like you are rushing through something that could go on for thousands of words.

I could barely hear him but the words struck fear deep inside me.

You couldn't hear him? Why not? What sort of noise is there? Where is he? Where are you? What is going on? Is it becausr you are to engrossed in fighting for your life that you failed to hear him clearly? We need more.

We were impossibly outnumbered.

This reads like a line from a report, not a story. If you want to show then say something like, "There were thousands of them, I fired into the oncoming mass killing them by the dozen, but still they came on."

As he repeated the words my assault rifle ran out of ammo and I had no choice but to toss it aside and draw my pistol.

As above, don't tell us what you did, tell us what you saw and how it felt, if you do that we'll know what you did.

J

SubZero61992
June 21st, 2005, 11:32 AM
I certainly made this one longer, but I dont know if I described good or over exaggerated a bit.

Chapter 1: Fatal Injuries


“ Fall back!” shouted General O’Connor.
I could barely hear him over the cries of soldiers and the high pitched screaming of the aliens. I fired on the hordes of aliens jumping from drop ships splattering their blue purple blood in their snake like faces. Their offensive smell disorientated my senses greatly making it hard for me to breathe. “ Fall back! Fall back!” the General kept screaming.
The aliens were pouncing on me like cats, using their bony dark purple hands to choke me. The aliens non stop pouncing knocked my weapon from my hands and I hit the ground hard. Fear struck deep inside me, I didn’t want to die like this. Looking around I saw an alien pike. With no time to think between life and death I grabbed the pike and it burned through their skin with ease. I stood up, grabbing a fallen soldiers assault rifle.
“ Major! Major Janvoe!” I heard the whisper. I looked around for the soldier who was shouting my name. “ Major Janvoe! Get in the trench! Quick!” I heard him whisper again. I looked for the trench but couldn’t see it. Frantically I looked until an arm pulled me down through dead bodies to discover a buried trench. “ Eagles are going to rendezvous here! They plan to form a perimeter around this trench and evac us!” he shouted. I nodded my head, it was getting very hard to shout over the frantic war going on outside.
“ Oh no! The general has been hit!” a soldier shouted outside.
It was the general who gave us hope and will to survive in this battle, and without him I knew the human army wouldn’t last here. “ I’ve got to go get him!” I shouted. Before the soldier could stop me I had climbed from the trench.
I ran around looking for the general in the cloud of aliens.
I heard the howling of a missile over head but kept running. Finally the missile hit land, killing and throwing dozens of aliens and men. It caught me with them and flung me directly beside the general. I crawled on my knees waiting for my hearing to return.
Wincing in pain, I removed a burning piece of shrapnel from my arm.
“ General!” I shouted. His chest was pulsing blood with every breath. I kneeled beside him. “ Go Janvoe! The Eagles are coming, it is over for me.” he gasped.
“ No General! They can still save you!” I told him and vainly tried to pick him up. His weight was too much. “ Damn it Janvoe! I am ordering you to leave me!” he shouted. The sudden shout made blood shoot from his chest. I cried for his pain and life. The roaring thrusters of Eagle drop ships could be heard now. I looked up and saw them forming a circular landing formation.
“ I’m sorry General.” I said, and helping to end his pain I shot him in the head.
I stood up hurt and dizzy. “ Major Janvoe! Get inside the perimeter before the turrets open fire!” I heard a soldier shout. Suddenly I become aware of the war again. The Eagle’s turrets would tear through flesh like a hot knife through butter. I began to run as fast as I could. Suddenly the turrets began to shoot. Aliens screamed as their bodies were impaled by thousands of bullets. I dove to get inside the perimeter.
“ Janvoe! No!” I heard a soldier shout.
I looked at the ground where I was certain to land and saw a plasma grenade. My emotions froze and I turned my body so I wouldn’t have to see it. It exploded just as I landed and the images of war flashed through my head. Even though my eyes were closing in death, the soldiers grabbed by body and boarded an Eagle.