View Full Version : my poem, Stolen Humanity, please critique

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June 22nd, 2005, 08:25 PM
~Stolen Humanity~

a disorted grin reveals your true self.
a midnight blue can love no one else.
stalk your prey.
choose your victories wiseley
your victims do not all yield.
a black rose, abandoned and alone
in an amber wheat field.
a golden iris looking out from under a lid.
who are you watching?
place your dagger in your opponents.
is there no one left to avenge?
hunt those who stole humanity,
who tamed it to thier will.
your angry heart gains no peace.
you damn them for their sins
but remember you also survive by the kill.
is this all that you fight for, a broken past?
be weary that your enemies are plentiful
but your terrain is vast.
sleep vampiric child, sleep and now rest.
the daylight wavers and until dusk
there shall be no more innocent
blood spent.

*and yes i know about the Stories/Poems section, but the problem there is no ones interested and no one commemts, just rates. and that doesn't help much. i need opinions good or bad. mostly bad so i know what i'm doing wrong. but i'd take either. lol. so if ya wanna read this and give me your most honest opinion i'll highly appriciate it. thanx.


June 22nd, 2005, 08:59 PM
The clever ones post in the Community's Stories/Poems section and then post a link here in the writer's forum for critiquing.

Some imagery. Seems contradictory.

June 22nd, 2005, 09:23 PM
I like the images you use and would like to see more. Obviously this is about a vampire with some anger towards him/herself and others. I think you can explore that more, maybe focus on the conflicting emotions of being a victim and forcing others to be victims as well. I would take out the first 5 phrases to do that (not because they're bad, but because it detracts from the vampire's emotions). That might help bring the poem into focus, and allow you to use more imagery. :)
Meghan R Sullivan

June 23rd, 2005, 07:32 AM
As Expendable pointed out, we ask people to link from poems/stories in the Community section because otherwise every critique thread would take up a lot of unnecessary space, particularly when every post has a thousand world limit.

The poem is fairly interesting, you don't have a rhyme scheme which may help nest the images you create better. It's disorganised and the occasional rhyming couplet seems out of place. I don't like the continual use of 'your/you', certainly repetition has a place in poetry but in this case I think most of the lines could do without it's usage after the first line. It's a decent effort that just needs a bit of spit and polish :)

July 6th, 2005, 11:48 AM
Good imagery :cool:
choose your victories wiseley (sp) wisely
who tamed it to thier will. (sp) their
you damn them for their sins (maybe remove the "you")
but remember you also survive by the kill. (perhaps "this is how you survive")