View Full Version : Critique: your opinon on this story.
June 27th, 2005, 01:37 PM
Hi. I'm new to this site, and I would like to ask for your opinon on a story I got swirling in my head. It takes place in the sixth age of my world, so it's safe to bet that technology is high. The center of the story is that seven humans were prophized that they would become gods(by becoming uncommonly srong in magic), and battle the Dark God(whos history I reveal in another tale.....*lowers voice* he's human!) whos growing power is begining to cross over the Mortal World(common I know, but I do have a twist).
My twist is that one of the seven go over to the shadow and heavily tip the favor on that of the Dark God(I'll call him X). After a few events X's heart goes deeper into the shadow(where when he first joined the shadow his intentions wer pure), as deep as the Dark God himself and he goes from servant to rival in a disasterous event that makes X equal to the Dark God.
While the transformation of X is going on the remaining of the seven battle aganist the minons of the Dark God. Cities are taken, even one of the seven die, but in the end they conquer, though with heavy loss.
The end comes with X and the Dark God meeting in the fourth dimension, known as the mortal world(where humans live). I can not tell you who will win the fight but lets say that whoever wins that doesn't mean anything good for the good guys.
Of course there are things I'm leaving out, like the adventures the seven went through before becoming gods. And the races of the human species, (which I will have to say is quite unique, since I've not read anything that resembles all of them in one story). And most important of all my magic system(which is only given to a few special races).
I would appreciate any comments. Thank You!
June 27th, 2005, 01:47 PM
Well I have to say you did a fairly good job of summarizing without getting bogged down in the details like many people do... That being said though, it feels like you skipped over some stuff.
When you say that one of the seven goes over to the shadow, you mean something like the dark side?
Do the good guys not notice that one of the seven is acting kind of weird all of a sudden, and never around when bad things are happening?
Did X turn evil even though his intentions were pure at the beginning of the story?
Part of asking us about the storyline involves you having to tell us what is happening, this isn't like the back of the book where you are trying to draw us in and make us read more, you are telling us everything there is...
Are there any other Gods? It sounds like there is only one, who you call a Dark God, but without anything to put him in perspective doesn't that just make him... plain God? You need a good guy in order to have a bad guy.
June 27th, 2005, 03:57 PM
Yes, the shadow is the dark side.
X went over to the dark side before the seven actually became a group(each of the seven come in at different points of the story, X being the first). The only reason the seven knew he was one of them was that one of the seven with the gift of foresight had a vision of what would have happened if X had joined them(X would have meet the same fate, but a little different)
His intentions to join the shadow were a bit "forced". X seemed to think his intentions were pure, but they really just helped him personally. X is a very vengeful character in my book, but still with some good personality traits.
June 27th, 2005, 04:15 PM
There are many gods in my world, but gods in my story are a little different. Being a god in my world means to have the power to control all the compenents of magic(elements, mind, and fate/fortune.......that's not all of them) Which means you have to be a certain race, since there are only three races in my story can use magic.
Becoming a god is nothing but the evolution of the races.
There were many gods in my world; the seven(of the 4th dimension), the Dark God(of the 7th dimension), the True Gods(of the 1st dimension), the Demon Lords(of the 6th dimension), and many more!
The gods in the other dimensions besides the fourth aren't human, but incredible spirits similar to the Valar.
There are also rules to godhood(too many to name, so I will name just one)
1. When a god is killed the power of that god is transported to the object of its destruction.(can be a place, living thing, spirit)
June 27th, 2005, 04:36 PM
I will say this, I definately need to see some more background info on this story before I can really say anything...
Your multidimensional universe is confusing to me... I got that people are living in the 4th, and apparently the Dark Lord is just a normal person (with the power to rule the world muwahahahahhahahah
ahahahahhahahhahha) BUT he lives in an entirely different dimension. He actually lives three dimensions away.
Explain your background more thoroughly please.
June 27th, 2005, 05:54 PM
The Dark God was banished to the seventh dimension by creatures(from the third dimension) in the second age after starting the War of the Gods(that led to the end of the second age). The third dimensional creatures ruled the fourth dimension for the True Gods. By time the True Gods actually found the Dark God, he lived peacefully with a pregant wife and two children. The threat had to be erased.
The True Gods had to use the third dimensional creatures because the Dark God could easily overpower an assasin or a magician.
So everybody in the family was killed..... Except the Dark God.
He used unheard of power to kill the third dimensional creatures(no one at that time had the power to kill with magic, but the Dark God long discovered it). Driven by grief and vengeance he tracked down every third dimensional creatures(who had labeled themselves "Gods"), of couse the people defended their gods.....so began the War of the Gods.
June 27th, 2005, 07:00 PM
What makes your dimensions different... I don't understand that at all.
When you say a 3D creature as opposed to a 4D man or a 7D Dark God, what does the difference in dimensions mean.
If there isn't a difference, then why even mention them? As far as I can tell the whole thing about dimensions just means they are in a separate place... right?
It would be like me importing lions from Africa to attack and kill the family of my archenemy, but I then end up banishing him to Indonesia... Unless I am missing something.
June 27th, 2005, 10:16 PM
Ok. Let me see if I got this right.
1. A bunch of beings calling themselves the 'True Gods' occupy a place we're going to call the 4th Dimension.
2. They decide that another being calling itself the 'Dark God' was a problem and needed to be destroyed - even though he hadn't actually done anything yet.
3. They sent orders to the 'gods' from a place we're going to call the 3rd dimension to attack the 'Dark God' as the 'true gods' agents.
3. The True Gods' agents weren't able to destroy the Dark God but they did wipe out his family.
4. In his grief, the Dark God turned on the agents and began destroying them.
5. Because the agents were the gods of the 3rd dimension, ordinary humans living in the same third dimension tried to defend the 'agents' against the Dark God.
6. Somehow the Dark God was exiled to another place called the '7th Dimension'.
7. A group of humans from the 4th dimension (not the 3rd) have been selected to replace the dead gods.
8. One of these humans who is truely evil is going after the maligned Dark God seeking his powers.
9. it's necessary for these humans to defeat the Dark God because even though he was exiled to the 7th dimension he is somehow influencing things in either the third or fourth dimensions.
Do I have this right?
June 28th, 2005, 09:28 AM
There are seven dimensions in my world, they're not different places, just different planes of existance(similar to a spirit world, dream world,ect). The only reason humans only live in 4d is because magic is pretty new to them, and no one had the strength to cross over dimensions(magic is the only way to cross the borders of the dimensions).
The reason The Dark God can not get back to the fourth dimension is the spell the 3d creatures cast that banished him there and held him there. Ex. A physically weak man throwing a net over a body builder and the body builder gets caught in it. But eventually the body builder will find a way out the net with time.
Same with the Dark God. He got caught in the net of the 3d creatures, and since he's still human, he made a misjudgement and mistake. He struggled, which was exactly what the 3d creatures wanted him to do. The Dark God was ensared even more, and eventually his struggles to get back to 4d, led to him hitting rock bottom(7d).
June 28th, 2005, 09:35 AM
The True Gods live in 1d. And the 3d creatures ruled 4d for the true gods(who were bound to 1d millions of years before humans even existed).
The True Gods were not evil, they were just very ambitous, and wanted every realm ruled by them.
Another rule of godhood(I need to start writing these down), is that a god can sense the powers of another god. They cannot feel the gods strength or weakness, but they can feel a sort of intimading, terrifying power radiating from that being or person.
The Dark God has been influencing 4d since the third age(he created a bunch of trouble), but in the sixth age the net of the long gone 3d creatures are starting to loose. The spell that holds the Dark God is weakening. And if that happens he will be able to return to the 4d or even 1d to get more revenge(but of course after 4 ages of bondage The Dark Gods mind is like a spinning top).
Everything else is right, except #1, and #9.
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.2.1 Copyright © 2013 vBulletin Solutions, Inc. All rights reserved.