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3evp
July 16th, 2005, 02:13 AM
I have found that writing a page a day (and no more) has enabled me to write a new story with my otherwise busy schedule. I'm open to critique and realize that I have a lot to improve: http://www.epicblog.com

I don't have an editor but am trying a raw story I've been hatching over the last several years. Any comments welcome. Thanks.

Expendable
July 16th, 2005, 05:12 PM
Hi, just read your prologue and I thought it was pretty good, definitely a bit different but it does pull in the reader. It's a curious world you've made here.

Later when I've got the time, I'll try to put together a proper critique of what you've written so far but I thought I'd let you know we are looking at it.

--Ex.

3evp
July 16th, 2005, 11:17 PM
Thank you - I look forward to hearing the areas of improvement and things you like. Thanks again.

3evp
July 21st, 2005, 12:23 AM
When one of you kind readers has an opportunity to read the developing story, feel free to provide comments. I am hopeful that so few posts on my first piece of public writing isn't a bad sign :) Thank you.

Dawnstorm
July 21st, 2005, 05:48 AM
When one of you kind readers has an opportunity to read the developing story, feel free to provide comments. I am hopeful that so few posts on my first piece of public writing isn't a bad sign :) Thank you.

Lol, I realy like your attitude. :D Actually, it's not a bad sign. We're not squeamish around here; if your story sucked you'd have known by now (in nice terms of course). :)

****

I've just given your story so far a quick glance over, and it's certainly interesting enough to read.

A few comments:

1. Some of the words you use are unneccessary. If you remove them, the reader will get at the story quicker and it will be more immediate.

Example1: "...breathed a breath of fresh air." --> "...breathed fresh air."

Example2: "Coincidentally, it was also a day earlier that..." --> don't really know... but these are just too many words for too little information. A bit slow

2. Information management:

a) Sometimes you could tighten the story, by implying information, instead of explicating it:

Example: "A small wagon rested nearby and occasionally Vors would shovel the ore into the cart." --> Occasionally, Vors would shovel the ore into the cart of a nearby wagon.

b) Sometimes, the informations blocks the flow of action.

Example: "First, their lamps were consistently bursting, forcing them to purchase a new lantern about every week. The lamps were made of a glowing gel like substance called Sun Gel, which was contained in glass containers and placed on each corner of their wagon. The glowing gel never generated heat and was perfect for maintaining a safe mining environment."

You're giving a list of things going wrong, but interrupt for info on the lamps. While I find that info about the lamps interesting and I would want to read more about it, the middle of a list of things that have gone wrong, isn't necessarily the place to put it.

c) Sometimes, the info-management seems a bit clumsy:


“Totungtod is a myth. It’s the silly belief the gods split our planet in half thousands of years ago to save humankind from demons. Now, I know there are some crazy monsters out there boy. That is true. But demons? Please.”

Master Matrice is talking to Apprentice Heldere, here. I'm sure Heldere knows about (or is expected to know about) Totungtod. He sounds like a documentary, when he should scoff at the "silliness". Instead of "It's the silly belief", you could have him say something like "It's plain silly to believe..." You could also insert a pause, and a rolling of the eyes (or whatever it is Matrice would do), before the word "demon".

***

And just an odd comment about naming. I'm a native speaker of German, and some of your names make me chuckle. "Soldato" sounds like the German word for "soldier" with a tacked on "o" at the end; which is something native speakers sometimes do when they speak mock Italian. :rolleyes:

And the "Heiligs" could be translated - literally - as the "Holys". Kind of fitting in a way...

Anyway, keep writing. :)

FriedEyeball
July 21st, 2005, 09:53 AM
I have found that writing a page a day (and no more) has enabled me to write a new story with my otherwise busy schedule. I'm open to critique and realize that I have a lot to improve: http://www.epicblog.com

I don't have an editor but am trying a raw story I've been hatching over the last several years. Any comments welcome. Thanks.

- Hey, I really like what you've written. The quality and consistency of the writing is really strong. It could do with a little tightening in just a few parts, though; I know it's hard to want to get your reader to understand perfectly what's going on, but sometimes (and it's only in a few paragraphs) you over-explain. You gotta trust the reader to be able to figure the obvious things out for themselves.


- Rozz

3evp
July 21st, 2005, 10:50 AM
This is great feedback - thank you everyone. I completely agree with everything mentioned. One of the areas where I struggle is with either explaining too much or too little. Thank you for the concrete examples, this will help me with tuning moving forward. Very much appreciated.

SubZero61992
July 25th, 2005, 02:22 PM
I read the prologue and I must admit it definately makes me want to read the entire story, I'm supposed to be doing something :D but I decided to finish the prologue instead. :cool:

3evp
July 25th, 2005, 08:07 PM
Thank you! I honestly appreciate the words of encouragement :)

Boll Weevil
July 25th, 2005, 08:49 PM
Liked it core concept and world building was intriguing and interesting. The trick here is to smooth it I think, and that's just keep revising and writing. Goodtips from above on showing, implying and informing through conversation. How did you cme up with the ideas?