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IrkenArmada13
July 17th, 2005, 05:51 PM
please read this and tell me if it is a good idea for a story.


Prologue- 2150 A.D

A light clicks on in the dark Research Facility. Two men, both in there mid 30’s walk in. “Zeta research at its best” The gruff looking man exclaims. He is in a war uniform with many medals. He is tall with black hair and grey eyes. He has a menacing face which strikes fear into everyone who looks into it. “It is magnificent general” the other said “it is much better then the standard M.B.V (Manned Battle Vehicle).” This man had a boyish face consisting of blonde hair and blue eyes. He is wearing a long, flowing lab coat. The general smiles “ I can’t wait to see it.” The researcher smiled although he was frightened. Everyone was frightened of the general. “ Of course sir, you can see it now if you want”? he said with a shaky voice. A few seconds went by. “ Show me!”

The war has been going on for about 10 years now. The war for control of Earth. The ZETA Co. and the E.S.F (Earth Special Forces) have been fighting for domination. For all 10 years both groups have been using the standard M.V.B’s but now the ZETA Co. has a new weapon, a weapon called Construct #0001 codenamed “Angel.” The people who pilot the construct’s are called Homounculi which originated from a myth that there is a tiny human inside all inatimiate objects sparking them to life, and that is what the humans inside the construct’s are. The war seems to be finnally coming to an end with the creation of the construct Angel. But ZETA did not know what was coming!
2 months later
“what the Hell are you saying!!!!” Screamed the general to one of his officers. “a construct cannot just stand up and walk out of here by itself!” the officer was trembeling, “ But sir …. We had a strict guard on it. No one could have stole it.” He stammered. The general looked like he was going to explode. His face was a bright red and he had a crazy look in his eye. “you know what goodbye Leo.” He said. A shot rang out and Leo grabbed his chest. A gun appeared from the generals hand. Leo looked up to the generals face to see the smile on it. “you shouldn’t have let me down Leo” he said. “you should have been more careful!” as Leo slunk to the ground the general turned and walked out of the room.. “I want a full search party sent out to recover Angel!” he shouted “ we must find it!”



if you liked it please tell me. i want to know if is hould continue it.

Abby
July 17th, 2005, 08:29 PM
Is this an idea for a story, or is this the beginning of a story?

I like your screen name, BTW. Yay Jhonen Vasquez!

About your beginning of a story . . . I have no idea what the story is supposed to be about, or the tone of it (humor, etc.), so I will withhold judgment. However, I will say that it contains a number of technical errors, and it reads like a screenplay. If this style of writing comes naturally to you, and you prefer it, I suggest you try screenwriting. (And if you live in the L.A. area, you're welcome to join my screenwriting group.)

Expendable
July 17th, 2005, 11:16 PM
please read this and tell me if it is a good idea for a story.

It's a start. But you're in such a rush to write down your story that you've actually condensed the first two chapters of this story into three paragraphs.

You need to slow down and expand on what you've written so far. Try to pace out the information you've got in the second paragraph.


A light clicks on in the dark Research Facility. Two men, both in there mid 30’s walk in. 'both' is unnecessary in this line. There's only the two of them. And mid-thirties sound very young for a general. Instead of telling us these men's age, suggest it. Does the general's black hair smell of ammonia? If it does, maybe he's dyeing it.


“Zeta research at its best” The gruff looking man exclaims. He is in a war uniform with many medals. He is tall with black hair and grey eyes. He has a menacing face which strikes fear into everyone who looks into it. “It is magnificent general” the other said “it is much better then the standard M.B.V (Manned Battle Vehicle).” Remember, when someone speaks or thinks, it's a new line. Also don't introduce acronyms first.

Ex. “Zeta research at its best” The gruff looking man exclaims. He is in a war uniform with many medals. He is tall with black hair and grey eyes. He has a menacing face which strikes fear into everyone who looks into it.
“It is magnificent general” the other said “it is much better then the standard Manned Battle Vehicle.”

What does a war uniform look like? Is it a formal officer's uniform with a blaizer or is he wearing metals with his B.D.U.'s? Where's his hat?
Does the general have a name? Why doesn't the other guy use it?


This man had a boyish face consisting of blonde hair and blue eyes. He is wearing a long, flowing lab coat. The general smiles “ I can’t wait to see it.” The researcher smiled although he was frightened. Everyone was frightened of the general. “ Of course sir, you can see it now if you want”? he said with a shaky voice. A few seconds went by. “ Show me!”

This is the second and third time you've used 'frightened'. You've got a shaky voice - what else might suggest this guy is frightened? Show us he's frightened. And what's the name of this researcher? Why isn't the head of the facility showing the General the new weapon? Where is everyone else?


The war has been going on for about 10 years now. The war for control of Earth. The ZETA Co. and the E.S.F (Earth Special Forces) have been fighting for domination. For all 10 years both groups have been using the standard M.V.B’s but now the ZETA Co. has a new weapon, a weapon called Construct #0001 codenamed “Angel.” Here you're telling us - the reader- directly about the war, the two combatants and the new weapon. Why not show us this instead?

Ex. "Those Earth Special Forces bums won't know what hit them," chortled General X. "Ten years we've been duking it out with the M.V.B.'s and getting nowhere! But this'll show them, won't it?"

Not that I know if your general chortles or not. But you get the idea. This'll give you the chance to show it off and maybe offer up why they call this thing the way they do - but who started this rumor if nobody's seen this thing before?

TheEarCollector
July 18th, 2005, 06:22 PM
It's very hard to judge a story based off of three paragraphs... Especially when this is just a fraction of the story. If we are supposed to be telling you what we think about the plot, I think we need to see some of the plot...
Anyways, it couldn't have been stolen, not stole.

Update us on the status of the story.

Oh yeah, and I think we are all confused - Is this background story or is this the prologue? Expendable seems to be giving a line for line crit, but you seem to flow in and out of telling us about the story and actually telling the story.

Expendable
July 18th, 2005, 09:07 PM
TheEarCollector's right. We can help more if we know more. But don't worry about us trying to take over your idea, some of us have enough stories of our own to worry about.

So far we've got some sort of conflict between a corporation and a special forces unit, with Earth as the prize.

Why is the corporation trying to take over the Earth? What will it gain?
Why is it using military force instead of political infuence?
Who is supporting the corporation in this takeover bid?
Who is supporting the ESF?
Is there still a government behind the ESF?
What is the corporation using for money?
How does the rest of the world view this conflict?
How does the corporation stay in business while fighting a costly war?
What is the warzone like?

Or just tell us your basic plot and we'll comment.

--Ex

Abby
July 19th, 2005, 12:15 AM
you seem to flow in and out of telling us about the story and actually telling the story.
This is why I thought it read like a screenplay.

pcarney
July 21st, 2005, 12:43 PM
I noticed one group is named 'Earth Special Forces'. I'm no military expert, but aren't 'Special Forces' simply a subset of a larger army? If everyone's in special forces, whoes special anymore?

TheEarCollector
July 21st, 2005, 03:54 PM
I wonder if the original poster has forgotten about us...

IrkenArmada13
July 24th, 2005, 06:45 PM
i havent forgotten i was just away on vacation for awhile. i love your ideas. i would love for more help. i want to become a game designer in writing. i am thinking of turning this story into a screenplay for a fantasy game? what do you think?

TheEarCollector
July 24th, 2005, 08:00 PM
I think...
It's very hard to judge a story based off of three paragraphs... Especially when this is just a fraction of the story. If we are supposed to be telling you what we think about the plot, I think we need to see some of the plot...
Anyways, it couldn't have been stolen, not stole.

Update us on the status of the story.

Oh yeah, and I think we are all confused - Is this background story or is this the prologue? Expendable seems to be giving a line for line crit, but you seem to flow in and out of telling us about the story and actually telling the story.