Critique: Version2 Jovogaia War

[SubZero61992]

I like this version alot better, so please tell me your thoughts about it.

Chapter 1


Dak Serof had finally woke up from a troubled sleep.
It had been six hours since world leaders launched a peace treaty to an alien culture called Azin. The Azin were aliens who were seeking help and a new home after what they claimed to be another culture attacked them. This worried Dak, if the Azin became friends with Earth then the culture they spoke of would attack them too. But after all; Dak was trained for war.
He stood up from his cot and reached for his pants and shirt making as much noise as he could. “ Jesus Serof, can you be any louder?” groaned his best friend Private Lanny. Dak grinned. He grabbed his boots then walked out of the barrack with his dog tag clattering on its chain.
He walked down the brightly lit hallway outside towards the locker room.
“ Colonel.” Dak nodded as he entered the locker room. “ Private Serof.” Colonel Humphrey nodded back towards him. Dak opened a locker and put his clothes inside it so he could shower. “ They say it will take six months before the Azin receive our message.” said Lieutenant Watkins as Dak took his shower.
“ Yeah, well… I hope they receive it.” Dak said gloomily. Watkins chuckled.
“ You really don’t like this alien business, do you?” he laughed. Dak snorted. “ No, it’s just that I don’t usually talk in the shower.”.
Watkins laughed. Dak stepped out of the showers and grabbed a towel.
He tucked in his white shirt and put his belt on. He noticed his brown hair was beginning to get lighter, probably from the desert sun. He had never seen his skin so tan either, but overall he just loved the military.
He headed towards the mess hall after he had tied his boots.
He got a piece of bread with tomato soup for breakfast and sat down at a table to eat it. Just as he sat down he noticed his soup had ripples moving across the surface yet Dak was the only person at the table. It could only mean one thing…Elites.
“ You better give me three bowls of soup! I’m no puppy!” said a low gruff voice.
It had to be Elite Walker. Dak turned around to see the seven foot giant in his black armor and hair tied up. This wasn’t uncommon, all Elites were big and demanding. In combat they were the most terrifying soldier, wielding a mini gun that could demolish any combat vehicle in seconds.
“ Thank you errh.” growled Walker shaking his head. He turned around and saw Dak looking at him. “ Serof…” he muttered. Dak frowned, if anything he didn’t want Walker sitting at the table with soup. But Dak couldn’t control everything. Walker thundered towards the table and sat down. Immediately Dak noticed his soup tilt to one side of the bowl. “ How you doing Walker?” Dak said.
“ The petty chefs think a cup of soup will feel me up!” Walker scoffed.
“ It’s a bowl of soup.” Dak said jokingly.
“ Well, oh yeah.” Walker mumbled. “ It’s still not enough for me!”
Dak chuckled and began to eat his soup.
Dak watched Walker scratch his goatee with his right hand which was unusual.
“ I thought you were left handed?” Dak asked.
“ I am, my damn arm goes numb when ever I quit using my mini gun. I think they belong together.” he chuckled. Dak laughed.
They both ate their soup silently.
Walker leaned back when he finished and yawned. Dak heard the table chair cracking. Suddenly Walker’s eyes shot open. “ Oh damn!” he cried as the chair busted and he landed with a loud crash on the floor. Dak did everything he could to not laugh as he jumped up to help Walker. Walker stood up and dusted splinters from his back armor.
“ They need super reinforced chairs in here!” he spat. Dak burst into laughter.
“ It ain’t funny damn it! My God I just busted my rear end!” Walker said.
“ Aha! I’m sorry it just seems to me you’re about to cry!” Dak laughed.
Walker turned red and shook his finger in anger as he thundered out of the cafeteria. Glad he's gone, Dak thought.
“ One day he is going to beat you to a pulp!” said Lanny.
Dak turned around to see his friend. Lanny was wearing his glasses. “ You got your head shav--” Dak stopped abruptly as the ground trembled with the sound of a loud explosion.
“ What the?” Lanny said. Suddenly the mess hall's large window panes shattered and green streaks struck people to death. “ Those are plasma bullets!” shouted a soldier in fear. Dak watched astonished as aliens that looked like purple and blue humans with pointed ears and sharp teeth flew into the room with fly like wings. A chef grabbed a pistol and fired at them. An alien looked at him and hissed then shot green plasma from his gun. The chef wailed in agony as the plasma bullet struck him.
“ We’ve got to get out of here Serof!” panicked Lanny.
Dak nodded in agreement. Suddenly Walker thundered into the room with his mini gun.
“ Oh ****!” shouted Dak and he covered his ears as the thunderous sound of his mini gun erupted. The aliens stood no chance against it and their bodies were shredded apart. Dak jumped up and ran towards Walker. The alarm began to sound and that meant only more trouble.
“ Let’s move!” Walker called and four more Elites walked behind him with mini guns. Dak looked at them shocked.
“ What’s is going on?” he asked Walker.
“ I was outside when I got ambushed by these alien scum. They are destroying our missile defense systems. Get to your squad leader so we can repel this attack Serof!” Walker commanded gruffly. Dak nodded and ran out of the cafeteria in fear and excitement.

[Expendable]

Pretty good. Needs some work but you've got the start of a good story here.

One thing to watch out for on the flying aliens. Their guns have to be reactionless - otherwise they're going to get knocked down by their own guns everytime they shoot.

[SubZero61992]

What do you mean reactionless?

[TheEarCollector]

Recoiless you mean?

[SubZero61992]

If he does mean recoiless then I understand.

[TheEarCollector]

Alright, needs some work...

The Azin were aliens who were seeking help and a new home after what they claimed to be another culture attacked them.
Well, we said we wanted to know, but maybe you could SHOW us instead of just flat out telling us? I mean it is going to require you to weave it into the story, but right now that is just really, really, really blunt.
Maybe he could wake up, and he rolls off his rack and the other guys are sitting around a TV at the end of the platoon bay watching the news.

By the way, cots are for tents, I am assuming he is on a ship of some sort in which case he has a rack... minor detail.

Military courtesy - The junior always salutes the senior first.

Another thing... if these guys are lieutenants then why are they bunking together? LTs tend to get their own room because, let's face it, they are officers...

Make sure every speaker is on a new line, I refer specifically to the showers.

A lieutenant, carrying a minigun? Lieutenants direct combat... so they would tell the machine gunner where to set up. A LT has better things to be doing than focusing on his shooting (not saying they don't need to be fighters as well).

Why would he be walking around a base/ship in his armor? You would suit up just before combat...

A consideration for the minigun. Yes, it puts out lots of rounds, so we can compare it to lets say, the SAW (for purposes of relating it to reality). The SAW is the current machine gun of the US Army, but there is only one SAW gunner in a fire team. Though it is the most casualty producing weapon on the battlefield, keep in mind that it is not the most accurate (machine guns just aren't that accurate). For accuracy, you need a rifle... Just a consideration since "elites" are more likely the highly trained variation that would use rifles whereas a band of minigun toting armor clad death dealers are something more along the lines of shock troops.

[TheEarCollector]

One addition: Cafeteria... DFAC or Chow hall or mess hall... not cafeteria. www.gijargon.com has lots of military lingo, I suggest you spend some time growing acquainted with it because it can drastically change the feel of your story.

[SubZero61992]

Another thing... if these guys are lieutenants then why are they bunking together? LTs tend to get their own room because, let's face it, they are officers... I tried to choose the lowest rank for them and in a list I believe was given to me by you 2nd and 1st lieutenant were the lowest ranks. Or can I call them private?



A lieutenant, carrying a minigun? Lieutenants direct combat... so they would tell the machine gunner where to set up. A LT has better things to be doing than focusing on his shooting (not saying they don't need to be fighters as well). I dont quite remember any lieutenant carrying a minigun?


Why would he be walking around a base/ship in his armor? You would suit up just before combat... The Elites are destruction thirsty and always wear armor because they believe themselves bigger then all the little guys.

Elites are only special when it comes to destruction, which is extremely useful against the alien force because they travel in large packs, similar to wars the world waged in regiments.

[TheEarCollector]

I am, my damn arm goes numb when ever I quit using my mini gun. I think they belong together.” he chuckled.
He refers to Walker, Walker I assumed was a lieutenant judging by his overly friendly talk with Dak... I could be mistaken.

The list I gave you had officer and enlisted ranks. Enlisted are at the bottom, officers command them... by calling him a lieutenant he is already 50% up the chain of command, and he has around 40 guys directly under him.

Anyways my point about the armor is that it's like wearing your body armor and K-pot everywhere... You CAN do it, and you might even get used to doing it, but it's a huge hassle. This also assumes that the military let's them take these things home instead of locking them up between missions (which makes a lot more sense, because the more you use it the more maintenance it would require). I guess this is a personal decision.

I don't know what you are saying about the "wars the world waged in regiments" because we still do that... it's called conventional warfare.

Something else to add (since I am feeling nitpicky), the military is a lot bigger on having a wall locker/foot locker where you keep all your stuff right next to your rack... and then when you need something you take it out.
A locker room would be a huge hassle if you ever had to leave in a hurry, a footlocker on the other hand (aside from the fact that it holds everything right next to your rack) can be loaded up and shipped out nice and quick.

[SubZero61992]

Thanks EarCollector, about Walker, if you go back to where I first introduce him it says Elite Walker. Maybe you mistaked that for his name?
So what should I call my characters rank wise? I want the lowest rank.
About the regiments,
You mean we still line up two thousand men with no armor, and march towards another two thousand men in a fight with just a field of grass between them?

Did I misuse the word regiment or are you telling me this still happens? The way I see wars being fought now are with squads who sneak around and shoot any enemy who shoots at them until they find the leader or the leader gives up.