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romalj
August 5th, 2005, 01:12 PM
Hello,

My first post. I started out with a concept and have writtern a prologue.
I would very much appritiate your feed back. You can read the story at

http://www.geocities.com/romal_jacob/story1.html

Had thought of entering it for the contest, but it does not fit into the 3000
word limit.

Thanks in advance.

choppy
August 5th, 2005, 06:28 PM
Hi Romalj,

Welcome to the forums.

Sometimes I wish I knew a little more about the author and what he/she wants out of a critique. Not that I pull punches, but I will offer different slants on what I've read to someone still in highschool learning to write vs someone who's a little more seasoned and looking for reader feedback on conceptual ideas.

As for your story, what I got out of it was that at the end of a great war an emperor who has united elves, dwarves and (presumably) humans dies and this sparks the potential for a war - tearing apart everything this person has worked for.

At first glance, there is a lot of cliche material. Elves not getting along with dwarves for example - I've seen it done a few times before.

You do a good job creating an atmosphere and describing the setting.

Dialogue: start a new paragraph when a new person speaks. It's difficult to follow in some places. Also, the dialogue often sounded too forced. "that's King So-and-So to you..." sticks out in my mind, because of it being a play on the old "Mr. So-and-So to you" shtick.

I think your biggest obstacle is going to be convincing your readers that there is something unique in this story that they haven't seen before. This piece is pretty short, so there's not a lot of room for this still and I would be willing to read on to see what that might be.

Cheers!

romalj
August 5th, 2005, 06:47 PM
Thanks choppy,

I was just looking as to the effectiveness of the story telling. The main catch point to any story is always "does it grip the reader, making him want to read more". Have no background in literature.
Story telling is more of a hobby for me. Something to relax. Thanks very much for the feed back.

The civil war was supposed to be just within the human empire. Will go back and make that more clearer. Thanks again.