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Gregorius_H
August 7th, 2005, 06:11 AM
Hey everyone, I'm considering entering the following story into a short story competition, and I was just wondering what you all think. The title there for a moment is just a temporary one because I can't think of anything decent. Any help there would be appreciated, but I'm mainly looking at... um... everything. You know what? Just read it if you have the time, and let me know what you think.

http://www.sffworld.com/community/story/679p0.html

choppy
August 7th, 2005, 01:46 PM
Very interesting. I could see this piece working, much shortened, as a piece of flash fiction. Of course it reads very well as is too. I enjoyed the story. It's a little "out there," but not so much that I was ever disoriented.

Unfortunately I don't think I have a lot in ways of critique.

The boy listened as the man who was going to kill him spoke. This was the line that really drew me in. If you really want to start with a bang - strat with this (although your beginning is done well too.)

By the end of the first page I had a pretty good quess of what was going to happen. I don't know what could throw me away. I missed any description of what the boy was doing there. He just seems to be standing there. Is he bound? Does he want to be there. As it stands, everything is about the 53-year old. Without more information on the 15 year old, he remains part of the background and it's difficult to maintain sympathy for him that way.

Obviously this is an setting where the physics doesn't quite work the same as it does in real life. Again, maybe I missed it, but perhaps a stronger hint at where they actually are could help to orient the reader.

Cheers.