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peppermint
January 19th, 2002, 10:53 AM
* please take the time to read over this and give me some feedback*


<i> These are not memories I wish to recall and yet I do not wish to forget them. I do not know what scares me more the fact that someone had created that hellish place or the fact that they did not learn their lesson. They said The Game as it is called, was a contained experiment. Yes well it was but the caged beast will only stay caged for so long.
It was created by Doctor Jared Olsen a physicist, some ninety years ago. The initial plan was to create a world, at a primitive level and study it. So he found a planet and created his ‘masterpiece’, but it wasn’t until seven years after his death that the plans got into the hands of Doctor Harrison Whelan. Whelan had followed the development of the world for seventeen years it was he who called it The Game. He had no wish to study Olsen’s world only to play god but in the seven years the world had been left unattended things had changed drastically. Whelan sent a group of about twenty people down to the planet to live; none of them survived. This is when the world became Whelan’s game he sent groups of people down to the planet with the promise that if they made it to the end they would get fame and fortune. He didn’t take into account that the people would soon stop volunteering to be led to their death. He had his people highjack passenger e-pocs and send the people to the world. After his death some eighteen years later the game did not meet it’s end other scientists took up Whelan’s ideas and the game lived on.
It was eighteen years later when I was taken to the world; I was only five years old at the time I lived the nightmare for fifteen years before I found the way off. So welcome members of the board I hope after my tale you will see why man should not play god. Shall we begin sit back and listen while I take you on a journey you will never forget.
It is called The Game and there is only one rule…Don’t die…</i>
***

The humming of a passenger e-poc could only just be heard through the dense jungle. ‘More lambs for the slaughter.’ Riya mused as she crouched at the edge of the stream leaning forward over the crystal water waiting for the dappled light to glint off the bright scales a fish silently she watched she had already caught enough but one more would make no difference. Her knees sunk into the mud she stayed still a stone even in this uncomfortable position. As she heard the e-poc take off again she wondered how long it would be before she heard the screams. A familiar smell caught her nose and she swallowed the lump that rose in her throat at the thought of what the smell belonged to, she looked up staring at her from the other side of the stream was a cre-tol. Its purple-grey eyes stared at, her eyes moved down to the dappled tawny colour of its coat then to its oversized jaws and large protruding canines it was only a juvenile but still large enough to over power her. She swallowed and felt the ground around her for a rock. The creature blinked and sniffed the air then started swaying like a cobra. Her hand found a rock and she flung it aiming for the eye. It found its mark the creature howled then started making a high pitched yelping sound. Riya’s eyes grew wide he was calling his pack one cre-tol was hard enough the creatures being so large but a whole pack. She sprang to her feet forgetting about the fish; the mud made a sucking sound as it drew the air back into it. She took off; running through the undergrowth skipping over roots and holes that threatened to trip her. Branches and small plants brushed and whipped her as she ran some blinding her way. She could hear the beast crashing through the jungle behind her and scuttled up a tree leaping from branch to branch, tree to tree. She lost her footing and fell to the ground the wind knocked out of her she lay on the leaf littered ground. The beast walked up and sniffed her she stayed as still as possible warm saliva dripped onto her bare stomach the beast grabbed her by the shoulder its teeth drawing blood; it began dragging her away. Another appeared a large male fully-grown judging on the deep sooty-red of his coat. The juvenile dropped her and moved into an attack position it was brave being only half the size of the other. The focus of her she began to slither backwards. The cre-tols charged jaws snapping; Riya was splattered with blood as they began ripping at each other. ‘After all I’ve been through I die here ripped apart by a cre-tol.’ She heard another noise a scream, a shot then the crashing of someone running blinding towards her. The first person jumped over her and stood staring as the juvenile cre-tol ripped the adult’s throat open. The adult staggered for a moment then fell to the ground quivering as its nerves twitched and its blood ran away soaking into the earth. The surviving cre-tol lunged forward grabbing the man as he watched in horror and flipped him like a toy bounding after him and snatching him up again the next man to come through the undergrowth tripped over Riya and watched as the cre-tol ripped the other to pieces. He was lying close to Riya. “Are there anymore of you?” she asked.
“Yes coming now.” He said unable to take his eyes off the scene.
“When I say get up and run you do it right run like there is no tomorrow because if you stay her there will be no tomorrow right.” She drew his attention to her. “Right?” He nodded. “Run!” she leapt to her feet and ran the man on her heels. She saw the other heading for them they readied their weapons but seeing their companion stopped. “Don’t just stand there run.” She crashed through the forest.
They came to the tree she sort she pulled the lever and motioned for them to climb in, then jumped in after them the door shut and they slid down into the underground. At the bottom the questions started. “What was that?”
“Where are we?” As another began to open his mouth Riya held up her hand.
“Later now we have to get to the caves.” She looked at the people around her then turned and began walking down the dimly corridor. One of the people moved to touch a glimmer-stone and yelped as the heat if burnt into his flesh. Riya didn’t like the tunnels they were hot, stuffy and dark. The man that had fallen on her walked by her side she paid him little attention and he honored this by not asking any questions just walking by her side in the quiet.

nicba
January 19th, 2002, 04:45 PM
Hi peppermint.

Your story is really interesting. I don't think I have ever read anything quite like it (although it did remind a bit about the movie 'The Running Man' and the 'Gor' series by John Norman, for some reason). I found the premise quite exiting.

You writing was also quite good. I think you had the right amount of background info, description, action and dialogue. The pace was good.

But ... http://www.sffworld.com/ubb/frown.gif... unfortunately there were some issues with your formating and your punctuation, I think. I would have liked some paragraph breaks in the longer jungle passage. And at some points I stumbled and "lost the thread" of the story due to missing punctuation. I had to re-read rather many sentences to get what was going on at certain places.

Also, it initially confused me that you used first person in your "prologue" and then switched to third person in the main story. The prologue talked about the main character being only five years old. But none of the people in the jungle passage appeared to be children. Are the five year old introduced to the story later?

Nevertheless, as I said I think the story itself was good. I found it interesting and when I reached the bottom of the page I wanted to read more! http://www.sffworld.com/ubb/smile.gif The rest is really just technical stuff. It can be corrected with a number of re-reads and some editing.

peppermint
January 19th, 2002, 06:35 PM
Sorry about the cofusion with the five year old she is Riya but you don't find that out until later but in the story she is twenty you get the age from the line in the prologue:'I was only five years old at the time I lived the nightmare for fifteen years before I found the way off.'

In response to the first person third person question i don't particulary like writing first person but i wanted like a flashback sort of context with out the I, my or me i want it to start and finish in first person but the main body to be third person narrative style.

Thankyou for your feedback.

nicba
January 20th, 2002, 01:44 AM
Hi again, peppermint.



In response to the first person third person question i don't particulary like writing first person but i wanted like a flashback sort of context with out the I, my or me i want it to start and finish in first person but the main body to be third person narrative style.


I think that's a good idea, but I also think that it would read easier if you somehow tied the first person and the third person narrative thighter together.

I think part of the problem was that I'm male and that I therefore pictured the first person 'I' in the prologue as male too. So when you switched to third person and used 'she' I didn't really make the conncetion.

Maybe you could let the 'I' person describe in more detail what she was doing "the day it all started" or something. Just mention some things that would give us a hint about the connection between the 'I' and Riya.

And if you don't, well, the reader will catch on soon anyway, so it isn't a major point.

Will you post a second chapter too?

peppermint
January 20th, 2002, 09:52 AM
yes when i get time to work on my writing I'll post the next bit. starting next week i go back to school for one of the most important years of my school life. but i will still make time for my writing whilst i am still working on 'Tishlyn' this piece works like works like a theropy when i am suffering a case of writer's block. But now i have decided to continue it working on both Tishlyn and The Game.
Cass