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MrBF1V3
August 8th, 2005, 11:25 PM
I have posted another story in the community. It's another Sharpe story. I keep doing this because I get good feedback.

You will find it here (www.sffworld.com/community/story/750p0.html)

So, what do you think? Good? Okay? Any glaring errors I somehow missed? Questions? Comments? What did you like? What did you not like? You know, the usual. Sorry, it is kind of long, I hope it's worth the read. And as usual, if you want me to e-mail the whole document to you, just PM me.

Thanks in advance for your continued support.

B5

Expendable
August 9th, 2005, 02:13 AM
Highlight the word "here" then click on the icon of the globe with the chain links. In the first popup window, you'll see the word "here". Click "Ok" and then you'll be asked to put in your link URL. When you're done pasting it in, click on ok and you'll see some text that looks like this:

*URL=http://www.sffworld.com/community/story/750p0.html]here[/URL*
(Brackets on the end removed so you can see what this looks like)

MrBF1V3
August 9th, 2005, 08:47 AM
I fixed it. Thanks for the assist. (I wondered why there were chains around the world...)

B5

Expendable
August 9th, 2005, 11:19 AM
Good story but it's a little choppy.


--“Whatchadoin?” A young voice said behind him.
--Bond had been lost in thought, working on his shuttle. He had seen flares outside the station; photon bombs used for braking, marking the approach of a sailer. Whoever was piloting the solar sailer was first rate, braking at the last possible optimum. Only important people could afford a first rate pilot.
--Bond had to wonder what important person was about to bump onto Venus station. He had been thinking about it for a whole day, and he didn’t have a good guess.
--Bond jumped. He looked, and as he saw the girl who had startled him, the water wire he was replacing crimped and ruptured, spraying chemical-laced water at him. At least it wasn’t live, the voltage carried by a water wire would have fried him.

You go from her speaking to two paragraphs of speculation until he finally reacts. Why not start with seeing a photon blast and then speculating on what was going on, then have the girl jump in.


“Whatchadoin?” A young voice said behind him.
--Bond jumped. He looked, and as he saw the girl who had startled him, the water wire he was replacing crimped and ruptured, spraying chemical-laced water at him. At least it wasn’t live, the voltage carried by a water wire would have fried him.

Also he's a bit stiff, there's very little emotion in him. He's getting soaked but he doesn't scowl, he doesn't cry out, he doesn't swear. Isn't he upset at being interrupted?

Oh, and I don't agree with your opinion that someone who holds off braking until the last moment is a good driver. Think of all the jossling that would cause. A great sailor would maneuver so that the ship slows to a gentle stop just off from the dock, the people on board barely aware of it.

I like your street talk, that was good. I wouldn't mind some more descriptions of the surroundings.

BTW, the play sounded good. Can we get you to write it for us?

MrBF1V3
August 10th, 2005, 09:02 AM
Thanks for the input Ex. I guess choppiness is a theme which runs through my writing, I will attempt to adjust...

Yeah, the two paragraphs between Jeggi's question and Bond's reaction are a later addition, which grew, and now there is too much space. It's so obvious once you point it out.

About braking, if you wait until the last moment you save the photon bombs and arrive sooner, but you are right, the trick would be not to paste your passengers onto the walls, and stop just exactly where you want to. I need to explain a little bit more, or change it, or something.

Thanks about the street talk. It's harder than it looks, and drives my spell check insane.

B5

Oh yes, the play. I think play may be too complicated to actually write, I know this because I have tried to write it more than once. I can't manage to get it to live up to the good parts I started with. On the other hand, it was fun to describe the play through the eyes of a well-informed spectator.

More later