PDA

View Full Version : Critique: new member


SFFWorld.com
Home - Discussion Forums - News - Reviews - Interviews

New reviews, interviews and news

New in the Discussion Forum


fairdoes
August 10th, 2005, 07:16 AM
Hi, I'm new to the forum and looking forward to catching up. I'm pleased to find a forum with so many active users :)

Here's something of mine. i hope I've posted it in the correct place! :o




The Lay-by of Sissyfoot

By Honda Prelude


Tiz a weird thing, the business of names. The oddest inhabited planet in this regard thus far discovered on my astral travels is Revertia; a relatively new rock and far too young to have evolved omnivorous, psychotic bipeds by the normal processes. It so happened that a flagship from Planet Ertia in the oldest region of the galaxy had to crash land there many moons ago and the survivors had no means of escape, or even of sending messages.

Why didn't I notify 'the authorities' of their existence, you may ask. 'Have you left them stranded?' you could well add. Well, onethly, 'the authorities' never take any notice of astral travellers, or of anyone else with the slightest sign of imagination, and, twothly, after one gets to know Revertians, it feels a really good idea to leave them where they are.

They had all sorts of high-tech gear when they arrived, including spreadsheet software for hyper-financial dealing in n-orthogonal quasi-dimensions, mega-computers to run the software, and bugger all data to feed into it, except this: Amongst all the gear that survived their landing they had no piezo-electric lighters, no carcinogenic-tube lighters, no high voltage supplies for making sparks and only one ultra old-fashioned match. To the uninitiated, this a lump of wood with sulphurous gunk on the end that bursts into flame when subjected to friction. Primitive? Yes indeedy, but it works.

One survivor responded to their predicament by panicking and lighting the match straight away! There's always one maniac of this type in a large enough group as you may have noticed.

'Quick, keep it alight!' wailed the onlookers. 'We have no other source of heating or cooking!' and thus the scramble for survival in their new world began.

The striker of the match, Mr. Rich Marketingexecutive, became the first full-time employee of the newly colonised planet. Mr. Rich Marketingexecutive the wood gatherer. He was rapidly followed into employment by Miss Sue Footpedicurist the herb gardener; Mr. Alton Riskassessor the shepherd of ox'n; Ms. Paunchy Magistrate the midwife; Lady Charlotte Stockmarketwhizzkidesse the cook; Mrs. Sharon Mediaanalyst the butcher of ox'n and Bill Overdue the hovelbuilder...

All was fine and dandy, give or take backache and blisters, until one bright spark had the idea 'I could own several hovels and let them. I'd be able to go on holiday several times a year and wear my pyjamas all day. If I had any!'

'Imagine the slavery,' complained the others. 'Spending our whole lives working for One.'

So much for history.


*
On the road connecting the two Revertian settlements there is a large ox'n-cartpark; their only one. It's the only large, flat, easily-cleared piece of ground that lies on the road, has stunning views, and is surrounded by bushes and grassy hollows suitable for courtship rituals and biological experiments of a reproductive nature. The view over the valley is of needle points of neo-conifers and the fluffy pillows of pseudo-oak trees wherein the parrots, apes and hummingbirds all hum. The parrots are parroting the hummingbirds and the apes likewise. It is the sort of spot that bipeds throughout the known universe, whether they be omnivorous, carnivorous or vegetablevorous; psychotic, vegotic or mineralotic, cannot resist visiting with recorded music to further enhance the mood.

One Brightspark spends his days circling the ox'ncartpark anti-clockwise with a broom. He is tethered to a large post in the middle of the clearing and he sweeps up the leaves and other evidence of nature's processes. He wears overalls, a large sun hat and bedroom slippers in the shape of fluffy bunnies. Having completed his circuit, One finds it is time to start again. The other Revertians bring One Brightspark roast ox'n and boiled p'taytoes to keep him fuelled.

This picturesque spot is known as The Lay-by of Sissyfoot.


Bye for now,

Honda P

kater
August 10th, 2005, 10:06 AM
Welcome to sffworld fairdoes :) We actually ask that people post their work in the community section here: http://www.sffworld.com/community/ and then come here to ask people to critique it, but as a first post no problems. enjoy your stay :)

fairdoes
August 10th, 2005, 10:44 AM
:o Thanks for the directions, kater!

I'll bookmark the correct page for next time. :)

Expendable
August 10th, 2005, 12:06 PM
When you post your story in the Community (http://www.sffworld.com/community/), remember to set it from Draft to Published if you want people to see it.

So far you've given us a light-toned tale with a promising begining. We'd like to read more.

Dawnstorm
August 10th, 2005, 02:02 PM
My guess is that "Honda Prelude" is a pseudonym for Lemiel Gulliver, and he's been recruited to do research for the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. :D

But then, he didn't use those strange words... :p

...which I happen to like. :cool:

So, anyways, welcome and stick around.

St. Rapier
August 11th, 2005, 01:26 AM
/\ never saw Hitchhikers Guide (I'm not much for Sci-Fi), but this was interesting, and somewhat eccentric.

fairdoes
August 11th, 2005, 07:09 AM
Thanks everybody for the speedy replies. 'Eccentric' and 'strange' sounds pretty damned positive to me!

I've never heard of lemiel gulliver :confused: , but Hitch-hikers is a (possibly the) major influence of mine. :cool:

I'll try to post this where it should be, in the form it should have (!). :o

This post has already raised a profound philosophical question in my tiny ... what's the word ... tip of my tongue ... rhymes with grind ... MIND! where was I? Ah, the question

What did we do before smilies? :D

I believe I've posted it here (http://www.sffworld.com/community/story/757p0.html) ;)

Dawnstorm
August 11th, 2005, 08:41 AM
I've never heard of lemiel gulliver

18th century guy who liked to travel. Most famous for accidently discovering Lilliput (country of tiny people), and - to a lesser extent - Brobdignag (country of giants). An account of his travels has been made available to the general public by Mr. Jonathan Swift, Irish man with strange ideas. (Some claim Mr. Swift was being Ironic, none of it was true, and a lot of his ideas are actually ironic. Don't you ever believe that.)


What did we do before smilies?

Reportedly, we had real emotions instead of the instant stuff. I should remember but I can't. Now, where's the I-gotta-think-on-that smiley....

choppy
August 14th, 2005, 01:46 PM
Hi Fairdoes,

As others have said this seems like a very light-hearted kind of story from the beginning. I really get the impression that this is some kind of veiled social comment and can't wait to see what happens when Used Carsalesman and Lawyer Brownnose show up!

In the second part you switched tense and I'm not sure why. I liked the narrative from the first part. The great thing about a naration voice is that it can be used to insert a comment or two that would otherwise not really work.

Good job!

fairdoes
August 15th, 2005, 10:15 AM
Thanks for the feedback.

I do know Gulliver's Travels - in fact I'm writing a novel called 'Gullible Travels' (which isn't even remotely similar), but I never knew Gulliver's first name. :o

Is there any copyright on the name 'Lawyer Brown-Nose'? I'll check with my Brown-N..., oops, slip of the qwerty, lawyer! :p

The change of tense is because the end of the story is in the present day.

I hope smilies aren't any substitute for the real thing, or even intended to be. I accidentally clicked on an ad t'other day, and now i've got hundreds of smilies! I can't see that they mean anything, but some are hilarious, and others are entertaining. :)

If you are interested, the whole story of Honda Prelude is available by searching on google 'honda prelude pjf.org.uk' - you'll be pleased to see that sffworld.com already comes first :cool: