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jordan
February 3rd, 2002, 12:32 AM
Please read 'The Wayfarer', posted on jan 27 and let my know how you liked it.

Erebus
February 3rd, 2002, 12:43 AM
For those who can't find Jordan's tale, it's HERE (http://www.sffworld.com/authors/s/short_jordan/fiction/wayfarer1.html).

nicba
February 6th, 2002, 10:51 AM
Hi jordan

That was a very good story. I liked it.

The was one particulary paragraph, however, that confused me:



The Russian's door sprung open and it was time to load. She was a smart girl and she could afford cryo. She was just napping. She knew what to do.


The paragraph started with 'The Russian...' and then continued with 'she was a smart girl...' Automaticly my mind linked 'The Russian and 'she' and for a moment I thought you were talking about the same person. But this conflicted rather heavily with my first impression of the unnamed russian http://www.sffworld.com/ubb/smile.gif.

After a short burst of confusion I of course understood what you meant. But nevertheless it bothered me just a bit.

KATS
February 6th, 2002, 01:02 PM
First of all, NO OFFENSE INTENDED. I hope you wanted honest responses.

And, to be honest, I had a hard time getting past the first few paragraphs due to, shall I say - your colorful word choice.

I understand that those words are indicative of the manís mind set and personality, so I am not suggesting you should change it. I assume that you chose his language intentionally. Perhaps the reason I suggested?

The only other thing that jumped out at me was that the first part of the story was very chaotic and a bit confusing. Again I assume that you did this purposefully. Perhaps to create an atmosphere similar to the confusion your main character was experiencing?

I suppose the idea is decent and you certainly have talent.

Unfortunately, this story did not appeal to me. Nothing personal, I just canít get past your main character. I just donít like him, (probably the pious feminist in me http://www.sffworld.com/ubb/smile.gif ). With the way you have written him, Iím sure you expected some people to be turned off by him. I just happen to be one of those people.