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ira-shanna
August 28th, 2005, 08:07 AM
Hullo all~

^^; i havent been on ole sffworld for some time, but just recently ive come back and ive posted the 'story' ive just started working on. Its all at the first draft stage at the moment~ i need to get it all down first. Otherwise ill pick and play and ill just end up with some stuffy over long hyperbole. u_u

But yeeeeeiiis. I would like very much if i got some critique/feedback. ~Its been the first thing ive written in about a year, so im kinda outta practice. u_u

The title is just what im working under~ because thats where the story starts, at the moment ^_~

anyway, ihope you can help~

xox

et voila~ Outside the inn (http://www.sffworld.com/community/story/783p0.html)

choppy
August 28th, 2005, 01:41 PM
Hi Ira-shanna,

I thought it was pretty good. My nit-pick editor picked out a few grammatical problems - such as Kanes should probably be Kane's in various places.

I'm not sure what the technical term for this is but this phrase
...then the drunk lurched down the steps and stumbled over her cursing.
reads a little funny. Why would he stumble over her foul language? Or was she cursing as he stumbled over her? Or was the drunk cursing? And would he not stumble past her - or is she lying down? (Sorry to pick on one sentence so much.)

You did a good job shifting points of view. One thing I might suggest is to be more forthcoming with names for the reader - even if the characters are unaware of names yet. The natural exception to this is if there is a reason to hide the names - such as with Ker.. Karine. But is there a reason to withold the name of the gold piece guy?

At the end of this piece I noticed you shifted points of view - first telling of Karine's arrival from Vette's point of view, and then from Karine's. While I felt this was well done, one question that came to mind was why? Normally if an author does this, he or she doles out some additional information. Naturally I was expecting that I would learn why Karine hesitated to give her real name. But this wasn't included and so I finished feeling like I had just read the same scene over with no added benefit. Perhaps that's not the end of the scene?

Anyway, for a first draft I think it's pretty good. I'm always pretty shy about letting anyone see my work in draft form. I'm curious to know where you're going with it.

Keep writing!

ira-shanna
October 10th, 2005, 07:08 AM
^^

hey sorry its taken me so long to get back to you! i was visitying my dad for a while and have been surprisingly busy for the last couple of weeks!

but yes~ you are correct ... ive put a comma in that sentence to make the meaning clear ^^; .. he trips over her~ because shes kneeling, sorting out her boots ~

and yes~ im terrible with my apostrophies~ i shall set about remedying that ^^

Well there is~ kinda ... it was just a thing that popped into my head, and ive wanted to get it in for a while ... @ some point Vette asked him for his name, and he told her it was Kane ... which is the name of their God. I just felt it was something his character will do ...

Its not the end no~ Ive been having trouble writing it ... but basically im at a point where Karine is sitting down and thinking~ and her thoughts reveal a little more. Also~ i know its cheesy ... but there will be a dream after this scene too ...

it will explain a bit more of the back story~ ^^ and in the morning~ its explained further~ when the 'drunk' and Karine meet in the cold hard light of day. eeeee ^_______________^ ... i think then she will use his name~ and then Vette's thought will pop in~ she is going to witness their reunion.

i can see it all in my head~ but getting it down is the problem~ ^^

i shall persevere!!!

xox