[edmor]

Hi there

My first story had been put on this site, and I would love to hear from other authors what they think. It would be great to exchange opinions about stories on this site, a sort of "I read yours, you read mine" kind of thing. Any constuctive critiscism more than welcome. Oh my story is called "Gutierez goes to heaven". Looking forward to hearing, well, from anyone really!

[Erebus]

Edmor's story is HERE (http://www.sffworld.com/authors/k/karten_ed/fiction/gutierez1.html) in case you can't find it. http://www.sffworld.com/ubb/smile.gif

[estranghero]

Whew!

Lemme see... first of all, you have a good handle on the voice or tone of the characters. Kinda reminds me of something Michael Moorcock would write or mebbe the author of 'Trainspotting'. I'm presuming you're from the British Isles? Pretty good still.

Same thing with the concept, a dialogue with God but with a more earthy bent. Story, needs a little more development but has potential. Just make sure your ending and denouement (epilogue) isn't so abrupt.

My main complaint is-- aside from editing, which is easily fixed-- is the paragraphs and the thoughts.

You should cut down your paragraphs into smaller ones so easier to read. And telling the reader everything that's going on the head of the character is too much info-dump (including the paragraph in parentheses). Don't worry, that's normally the main problem of writers: telling the reader without info-dumping.

Anyway, that's it for the moment...

[KATS]

I agree with estranghero, way too much information. Consider what the reader needs to know. Everything else can be cut. I think you could stand to shave a good portion of the story.

***SPOILER BELOW***

I’m not a big fan of profanity, especially when it’s coming from God. However, I assume that you were attempting to make a point, a statement. Possibly to challenge the common vision of what God is how he acts. If not, why is it there? What purpose does it serve? If you can’t answer that, then it needs to be cut. Profanity just for profanity’s sake will only harm the story.

There was one thing I think you need to expand on. You mentioned very briefly about the experience Gutierez had as a child, the thing that makes him special. I think this needs to be expanded on. It seems to be a critical aspect of why he was chosen to search for God’s girlfriend and possibly why he was chosen to replace God.

Finally, the ending was very sudden. It felt as though you were tired of writing and just ended it.

I can see some potential for this story, but it has a ways to go. A great deal depends on exactly what your intention is, make a statement, tell a story, both or something else entirely. My comments were made based on my assumptions. IF I have incorrectly assumed some aspect of your story, please clarify it for me.