PDA

View Full Version : Critique:Writing a Novel-Read my Exerpt and give feedback


SFFWorld.com
Home - Discussion Forums - News - Reviews - Interviews

New reviews, interviews and news

New in the Discussion Forum


Megris Vernin
August 30th, 2005, 06:52 PM
I am a high school student, and for the heck of it I am going to try to write a nice long scifi novel. I was wondering for some feedback on my style of writing. Here is an exerpt from my latest version of the novel, the first page and a half. So far I am in 30 pages and have been doing it off and on for a month.

If you are interested it is called Galactic Warfare 2-The Limera Conlflict

"In space, all is silent. Neither the destruction of planets nor the death of a million lives makes a sound. The cold darkness of it all creeps in the souls of those that dare cross the void. Their hearts freeze and their minds become lost in the shadows. In the great distances between the life giving stars, death abounds. Those who enter this chasm of silence and nothingness often lose themselves, leaving behind the very thing that gives them life.

Through this abyss of darkness, a ship glided upon the winds of unseen energies. It flew through the chasm between the stars with a force and will unseen anywhere else. It glided through space, zigzagging back and forth. Of all creatures born in this universe, the vessel took the shape of the darkest and cruelest. It was crafted in the image of a giant snake, the antithesis of cold predation and poison. Its hull even gleamed with the scales of the serpent. The rays of distant suns glinted on its shiny skin, reflecting a ghastly green aura around the ship.

Two malevolent red eyes stood at the head of the ship, almost seeming to echo the insidious thoughts of the beasts that lay within it. With infinite patience the ruby gems took in the surrounding environment, just waiting for its prey to cross so that it may strike. The jaws of the fangs instinctively opened revealing weapons of untold power. Instead of simple poison sacks, the starship held within it arms of destruction and annihilation.

Dozens of sharp fangs filled the shipís mouth, each containing a powerful warhead. Instead of a docile poison, these fangs held the harnessed powers of the stars, and the atom controlled. The sharp teeth stood ready to bite into its foes, and deliver new venom; a dark attack that would rip its foe to shreds and leave not a shred remaining. The ship crept through space, moving like a true beats and not a harmony of metal and plastic. No ship in the known galaxy could challenge this serpentís supremacy of the heavens, yet the beasts that lived inside it were even more notorious.

Hidden deep within the ship lurked monstrosities of nature. They were the greatest murders have birthed in the cosmos, and took great rapture in that knowledge. Standing at just over six feet tall, these beasts were enormous constructions of flesh and bone. Each weighed over three hundred pounds and was all muscle, claws, and fangs. Their sharp wicked claws scratched the hull of the ship as they walked, leaving deep groves in metal forged in stars.

Fangs of incredible length and width lined their jaws, showcasing the diet of the beasts. Hidden in the back of their mouths small poison sacks stood ready to pump venom into their prey. They consumed meat, and preferred their prey live. The beasts from Liekris loved to feel the warm heat of their dinner, and felt soothed by their beating hearts. The unlucky animals they consumed could not even scream in horror as they were slowly crushed by the Leker jaws.

The Lekers were a cold people, even more deadly and conniving then the ship they flew. Their minds and spirit were dark, long before they had ever journeyed into space. The cold vacume surrounding them cold not touch their cruel hearts, whatever kindness they had was long gone. They were predators, and had no use for petty emotions. Hunger was all they knew; a hunger for blood and flesh. In millions of years they had not changed, their instincts still drove them to bite and gnash their foes.

The red eyes of the reptiles were truly evil, and were the most disturbing feature of the Lekers. Those ruby gems held a darkness that no carnivore ever knew, a cruelty that no other beast ever held. With insidious intent those eyes had beheld the slaughter of billions, and the enslavement of even more. In the eyes of other races the Lekers were evil, but the reptiles thought they were just having some fun."

Expendable
August 30th, 2005, 07:01 PM
Their sharp wicked claws scratched the hull of the ship as they walked, leaving deep groves in metal forged in stars.
Remind me to sell these guy patching kits for their hulls. I could make a fortune.

why do the ships zig-zag through space?

Isn't calling them murderers sort of prejudicial?

And it's vacuum not vacume.

Megris Vernin
August 30th, 2005, 07:09 PM
Its not really...its part of who and what they are. It is this zeal for combat that broguht them to the stars. It be like saying wolfs dont like meat, they just eat it to survive. To be anything but themselves would be well....stupid. The Lekers enjoy killing and so they do it, in my story they killed dozens of species and would set into motion events that would ultiumately kill tens of billions.

Amadeus
August 30th, 2005, 07:48 PM
I think you can either slow it down, or compact it a little.

You contradict yourself a few times - if the lizards are supposed to not have emotions, then your viewpoint needs to reflect that. If they don't have emotions, they are incapable of having fun, or even being evil in the first place. However if they do have emotions, then maybe you're pushing for crazed lizards.

Also unless the lizards are just plain psycho, they will need a reason for killing. Taking slaves makes sense, or even feeding, but murdering billions will need an explanation.

And the "cold darkness" of space is a good setting, but not a reason in itself. The way it reads now, it seems like you're making the darkness the reason. You'll need a technical reason.

You'll need to make the races that interact with the lizards technologically superior to warrant boarding their ships for food, otherwise a planet invasion would make more sense.

Hope this helps!

Megris Vernin
August 30th, 2005, 08:20 PM
Alright, I'll take that into consideration

Expendable
August 31st, 2005, 02:31 AM
Perhaps these are lizards who have been forced to abandon their home world because of some enviromental disaster - and now when they've returned, they find it's overrun by various mammal species. So now they're looking for a world where they can rule supreme.

Megris Vernin
August 31st, 2005, 08:00 AM
Perhaps you miss understood, I already have en entire story and history of them, this is just a writing sample. What I really wanted were comment on my writing style

Expendable
August 31st, 2005, 11:39 AM
Sorry - what you have here is an introduction to your story, it's really not a good place for a writing sample. You might also want to put it in the Community - just remember to switch it from draft to published.


It flew through the chasm between the stars with a force and will unseen anywhere else. It glided through space, zigzagging back and forth. Of all creatures born in this universe, the vessel took the shape of the darkest and cruelest. It was crafted in the image of a giant snake, the antithesis of cold predation and poison. Its hull even gleamed with the scales of the serpent.
You start with "It" four times in this paragraph. Strive for some greater variety. "...the vessel took the shape of the darkest and cruelest. It was crafted in the image of a giant snake..." is double redundant. Edit this.


Two malevolent red eyes stood at the head of the ship, almost seeming to echo the insidious thoughts of the beasts that lay within it. With infinite patience the ruby gems took in the surrounding environment, just waiting for its prey to cross so that it may strike. The jaws of the fangs instinctively opened revealing weapons of untold power. Instead of simple poison sacks, the starship held within it arms of destruction and annihilation. A good description.


Dozens of sharp fangs filled the shipís mouth, each containing a powerful warhead. Instead of a docile poison, these fangs held the harnessed powers of the stars, and the atom controlled. The sharp teeth stood ready to bite into its foes, and deliver new venom; a dark attack that would rip its foe to shreds and leave not a shred remaining. The ship crept through space, moving like a true beats and not a harmony of metal and plastic. No ship in the known galaxy could challenge this serpentís supremacy of the heavens, yet the beasts that lived inside it were even more notorious. A bit overdone. I'd suggest editing or cutting this, keeping half of your clever description about the ship.

Your next four paragraphs are descriptions of the Leker and actually most of that can wait until we actually see one.

For an introduction, in my opinion, it's not too bad. But like I said before, it's not what I'd call a good writing sample. Go past this and into chapter 1, show us how your characters interact and face this enemy.

Ntschotschi
August 31st, 2005, 06:24 PM
"It was crafted in the image of a giant snake, the antithesis of cold predation and poison."
Are you sure what an "antithesis" is?
It's the "contrary" of "cold predation and poison".
Did you want to say this?
Sorry to say but it sounds unintentionally funny.
Otherwise I like your style:)