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Megris Vernin
September 2nd, 2005, 08:03 AM
Chapter 1-The Hidden Predator

In the deep recesses of space, a vessel creped. It was shaped like an oversize egg, but it was far from harmless. It was painted in a dark but reflective black and on visual scanners would almost seem invisible. Itís curved body and lack of sharp edges rendered it unnoticeable but to the most advanced of sensors. Nether was its covering as weak as the shell of an egg. Crafted from strange alloys produced in the center of starís core, its hull could resist danger farm more than the ship could hide from sensors.

Hidden weapon bays of untold power lat unseen beneath the shipís hull. A horrible array of weapons lay at its disposal from Shimera lasers, to the latest tachylon and anti matter warheads. In its hallowed hull stood the masters of metal, rulers of the atom, and emperors of creation themselves. Through the ships short but wide corridors lurked these beasts from the planet Liekris. The shuffling of claws on metal echoed through the dimly lit and warm ship.

One such beast stood moving through the corridors with incredible purpose. It stood at over five feet tall but was eight feet long head to tail. With a gait and stroll only predators knew it quickly and efficiently made its way through the ships numerous and shifting passages. Its called occasionally brushed against the walls, perhaps moving for support or to feel the familiar trespasses of long worn paths. Even against the ships incredible metal, the claws still scrapped and laid marks on a material fused in the core of stars.

The beast suddenly slowed as it came to an impasse, one of the few doors in the ship. Seemingly engraved upon the metal door was the symbol of Liekerisian Superiority, the eternal red eye watching as claw ripped through the hide of a beast. This image best surmised the Liekerisians or Lekers as they were known by other species.

Two Lekers stood to either side of the door as if protecting something inside. Each of them was of the warrior caste of the Lekers strong and proud, but somewhat dumb. The lowly servant caste Lekers in front of them motioned for the two to move before it could continue but both Lekers held their ground. They stood motionless, awaiting the proof of this lowly Lekers passage permit. To further illustrate the Lekerís inferiority, a strong light was thrown onto its body. For the first time sense its journey through the perilous and ever continuing corridors of the shift, the Lekerís features were clearly illustrated.

A human looking then would see a beast out of old Terraís past. A reptile of a primeval world that was long since gone. Yet this beast born no relation to the ancient Terran Reptile and a flower was genetically closer than to the dinosaur than to it. Of all Reptile beasts of the Jurassic and Cretaceous periods, the raptor perhaps came closest to it. Yet for all of its hunting and Predatory instincts, the raptor was far kinder than the Lekers. No raptor would, as they had been brought back to life on certain Human worlds, ever have the glint of intelligent in its eye as the Lekers had, nor the twisted desire to cause pain in its victims.

The Leker fumbled around in the leather pouch around its waste for the crystal that would give it safe passage. For several agonizing seconds the two Leker guards seemed ready to pounce upon the lowly Leker that dared to approach and bother their time. Yet before the two beasts ripped him into pieces, the servant was able to take out the red crystal and held it to the guards. As if to even further show their suspicion and hatred for the Leker in front of them, the two guards ran the crystal through a metal identifier. Satisfied that it past, the two Leker guards moved aside and pulled open the massive doors that led into the inner sanctum of the ship

bill_haverchuck
September 2nd, 2005, 10:43 AM
Hey,

I presume you're seeking comments/suggestions? I've only read the first paragraph, but:

1) What is "creped"?
2) Is it neccessary to tell the reader that black is "dark"?
3) If the ship is reflective, how can it also be "invisible"?
4) Who or what is "danger farm"?
5) You might consider making your ship a "her" rather than an "it".
6) "Nether" should probably read "neither".
7) You might consider putting both comparisons to the egg shape of your ship together in one sentence.
8) "Covering" is probably not a good word choice.

Other than that, I was loving it. ;)


Chapter 1-The Hidden Predator

In the deep recesses of space, a vessel creped. It was shaped like an oversize egg, but it was far from harmless. It was painted in a dark but reflective black and on visual scanners would almost seem invisible. Itís curved body and lack of sharp edges rendered it unnoticeable but to the most advanced of sensors. Nether was its covering as weak as the shell of an egg. Crafted from strange alloys produced in the center of starís core, its hull could resist danger farm more than the ship could hide from sensors.

Megris Vernin
September 2nd, 2005, 12:29 PM
*Prints out comments* Thanks, I will seriously use them *goes to edit story* While your at it, why dont you critique the other paragra[hs. ^^

Megris Vernin
September 2nd, 2005, 12:34 PM
Several meters back a large Leker sat impatiently. In the dimly lit ship his eyes glowed a ruby rid and his skin gave off, to humans, an unholy neon glow. His scales were the color of the Upper Leker Noble class, but this was not surprising, he was the Crown Prince after all. The prince cooed and thought of his far off palace on Jeiro, the Liekris capitol city. There he had lived like a god, or more precisely a son of a god. For on Liekris the king of the Lekers was the Imperial Lord of Life. He controlled all happenings of the Lekers and even who lived or died. The ancient human Russian czar was the closest example of his absolute power, but the Liamara was far more powerful.

The Crown Prince reminisced of the great things he would do once he was Liamara, of the people he would kill and of the females he wanted. Yet his damn father had sent the reptile on this far off Frontier guard mission. The current Liamara, Gerius the 3rd. had demanded Grimar have a well rounded education in all aspects of Leker life. With that the spoiled crown prince had been forced to work as an engineer, farmer, and even a soldier. But by far this was the worst assignment, at least according to Grimar. At the other challenges his friends and relatives would visit him and say how they pitied him, beginning their own plans for using this prince to get private favors.

Gerius had seen the weakness in his son, the societal nature ha had and how open he was. Not to mention his spoiled demeanor and over all softness. So Gerius in his infinite wisdom decided to send Grimar far away from all of that, to the frontier of Leker space. There he hoped the crown prince would take some of the harsh nature of life and become tougher, perhaps even stronger. But sadly it failed.

Grimar had grown more and more irritated as the ship became further and further out. He quickly lost interest in the regular duties his father had assigned him and retreated back into his cabin to think all of the things his father had deprived him all. As always Grimar was in a bad mood and nearly lost it when he saw the lowly servant appear in front of him.

The figure almost seemed to shudder in the Crown Princeís presence, knowing all too well the danger of just meeting him. While Grimar was not Liamara yet, he could still easily do whatever he pleased. Grimar barely took notice of the quivering figure and with a gesture of his hand four body guards from the shadows appeared in the room. They circled the Leker and one growled menacingly. The Leker almost turned and ran, but he knew his duties. He bravely stood his ground and found the strength to speak.

ďMy Lord and Liege Grimar the Magnificent the Lord of All Creation,Ē muttered the Leker. I have come to you seeking the knowledge and knowing that only you can possess.Ē

Grimar began to be annoyed the manner in which the Leker had approached him. He had spoken in far too many titles and had not bowed to the ground as other usually did. He would get rid of this Leker for his insubordination and see to it that his family suffered. Of course Grimar showed none of his contempt for the Leker and motioned for one of the guards to speak.

ďMy liege lord feels neither the presence of mind nor the strength to deal with you directly. Your appearance hire ruins his afternoon and he bodes to finish quickly before something unfortunate were to occur.Ē The guard said all this with a sort of contempt for the Leker, as he knew the lowly servant would soon be killed.

"My lord our sensors have picken up traces of a starship entering this system. I..."

Grimar decided he would give this Leker an unheard of honor and speak to him so this nonsense would be done. "Destroy the ship," he boomed in a staringly voice he had prepared for such an occasion. "Anything that ventures in Leker space without the permission of the Liarama is forbidden." He Spoke in such a tone to make it clear his word would not be challenged, and for many the subject would be closed.

kater
September 2nd, 2005, 05:55 PM
Ok I've merged your two threads, added the title and can I ask that for future reference you post your writing in the community and then link to it in this critique thread please, it saves space and is far easier :)
Thanks
Kater

Megris Vernin
September 2nd, 2005, 07:53 PM
k I will do that

Amadeus
September 3rd, 2005, 06:17 AM
Well...you've got work to do, kid. :)


Itís curved body and lack of sharp edges rendered it unnoticeable but to the most advanced of sensors.
The problem here is either with "but", "of", or "most" in order to make sense grammatically. I would try using "except", unless it sounds boring. "Most advanced" seems like a bit much, or too general. It's = it is.


Crafted from strange alloys produced in the center of starís core
Whoa, whoa. First, alloys are not single metals. Second, the only elements you're gonna find in the center of most stars are hydrogen and helium. Pretty basic. Then carbon, iron, and so on. The rare stuff is produced in a supernova, and if you want something "strange" it ain't going to last long.


Hidden weapon bays of untold power lat unseen beneath the shipís hull.
Tell us about it. You're the one telling the story. Nothing should be "untold", it should be quantified.


Shimera lasers, to the latest tachylon and anti matter warheads
No need for comma; tachylon=tachyon=overused mythical particle; antimatter is one word.


Its called occasionally brushed against the walls, perhaps moving for support or to feel the familiar trespasses of long worn paths
Called? Who/what brushed? There should be no perhaps, you should be telling it to us as a fact.


This image best surmised the Liekerisians or Lekers as they were known by other species.
I doubt an army or species would create a symbol based on what the other guys thought of them.


For the first time sense its journey through the perilous and ever continuing corridors of the shift, the Lekerís features were clearly illustrated.
sense=since; ever continuing? I wouldn't want to live on a ship whose corridor's extended forever. shift=shaft?


Of all Reptile beasts of the Jurassic and Cretaceous periods
Ayie! Dinosaurs are not reptiles. They are more closely related to birds, last time I checked? Also, look up primeval. It sure as heck doesn't mean Cretaceous.


His scales were the color of the Upper Leker Noble class, but this was not surprising, he was the Crown Prince after all.
Run-on sentence. Identify him as "Crown Prince" right away. Also, why pick on Russian history? Unless you want more of it specifically in the tale.


ďMy Lord and Liege Grimar the Magnificent the Lord of All Creation,Ē muttered the Leker.
A simple "Lord" isn't enough for this guy? :) This comes across as comical, I don't know if that's your intention or not.


"Destroy the ship," he boomed in a staringly voice he had prepared for such an occasioin
What's a staringly voice? You will also need to add an exclamation point.


He Spoke in such a tone to make it clear his word would not be challenged, and for many the subject would be closed.
This reads like a note to yourself that should be cut; his tone should be apparent in his dialogue and no more is necessary.


Overall, it's still a creative idea. However, you are far too general. Don't be afraid to name specifics. Do research; if you're going to include scientific information, be accurate. Also...what's with the title? "Galactic Warfare 2" is both very dull and generic. And 2? What's the first? Any credible book series wouldn't number their books, they would each have a unique title. "The Limera Conflict" sounds an awful lot like "The Liandi Conflict" from Unreal, so I'll pretend to ignore it.

All this editing made me very hungry :( Sorry if I'm a little harsh, it's for your own good.

SciFiGuy
September 3rd, 2005, 07:31 AM
Any credible book series wouldn't number their books, they would each have a unique title.
Actually I think it is a good idea to set the number in the title, or if not, so at least in some way make clear the sequence of the books. It's annoying to see an interesting book at the library, find out it's the 15th book in a never-ending series, and nowhere are you given a clue as to which is the first book.

Megris Vernin
September 3rd, 2005, 10:49 AM
thanks ^^ Ill work on them.....*prints out page to start correcting* it may take a while but Ill try and implement all that you said. On a personal note this is my first actual atempt at writing. I am 17 so I may not have a specific style chose yet. *laughs* As for the name I'll change it eventually. Im not even calling the bad guys Limerans, just Insectoids.

And yes it was supposed to be fun with Grimar that the title was so long. just some light humor. As for parts, I have written some 22 of them. I intead to rwrite the chapters, but want to finish writing at least half the novel first.