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Taylor Brooks
February 9th, 2002, 03:37 PM
Hi,All your comments would be appreciated.I know there are mistakes but it's just my first draft,so go easy on me....Thanks

Erebus
February 9th, 2002, 03:56 PM
Hi Taylor - we'll move this to the Writing section for you. http://www.sffworld.com/ubb/smile.gif

(Oh, and here is a quick LINK (http://www.sffworld.com/authors/b/brooks_taylor/fiction/murder1.html) to find Taylor's story.)

[This message has been edited by erebus (edited February 09, 2002).]

KATS
February 11th, 2002, 05:00 AM
***SPOILER BELOW***

A nice start. The main thing I notice was how rushed the story felt. Many of the scenes felt like there was more there. As strange as this may sound, drag a few of the scenes out. You could make them a bit more chilling and suspenseful. Describe how the tone of his voice is different. Be aware of your choice of words. Some words can add visual or audio components, for instance clank, hush, whisper, weep. When you say “hush” aloud, it has a very soft sound, whereas “clank” is very hard and loud.

Also, the point of view switches between the husband and wife a bit awkwardly. Does the reader really need to see into the husband’s thoughts? The wife finds the plan, in his own handwriting no less. What is gained by switching perspectives at that point? It lets the reader know that the husband is up to no good, but why does the reader need to know that at that point?

With a few revisions you can turn out a very good story.

Taylor Brooks
February 12th, 2002, 07:26 AM
Thank you for your comments.I went back over my story and in a few months,i'll rewrite it.

nicba
February 14th, 2002, 01:07 PM
Hi Taylor

I've just finished your story. I thought the story premise was nice. I like those kind of short stories that just gives a glimps of some event in someones life, without a lot of background or explanations.


* SPOILER WARNING *

But I think that you painted things a little too stark from the beginning. You was a little too quick to give up the sense of mystery and tension, I think. A longer build-up before you reveal the full plan of the husband would give a more suspenseful story, I feel.

Also, there were a couple of things which puzzled me about the motivations of the two characters:

Firstly, why did the husband write down his plan and leave it in his desk (even if it was locked)? The letter put him at risk of being exposed in his crime. I think the story would work better for me if you let the main character deduce her husband's plan by finding some less obvious clues (like the damaged back-door, the sword lying ready and so on).

Secondly, why did the main character choose to kill her husband? One would think that she loved him just a little bit, at least. They were married for a long time, after all. The natural reaction, I think, would be running away in fear, fleeing the house. Maybe the way she acted in the story would be more credible if you showed her flying into a rage upon learning the plan of her husband, or some such thing.

Oh yeah, just one more point I can't help but mention. When I read about the damaged back-door and the cut phone wire, I got the thought that maybe there really was a genuine robber in the house too. You know, after having killed her husband and maimed herself, the main character could just catch a glimpse of a fleeing shadow. Leaving us in final doubt about the plan of the husband. That would have been a cool twist, I think http://www.sffworld.com/ubb/smile.gif.

Taylor Brooks
February 16th, 2002, 07:20 AM
Thank you so much for your ideas.I just started doing this about two months ago,so i know i need alot more practice.Did you read my other story The Decision?Maybe,if you have the time,you could tell me what you think of that one as well.