View Full Version : Critique: A Story Starter

Home - Discussion Forums - News - Reviews - Interviews

New reviews, interviews and news

New in the Discussion Forum

September 5th, 2005, 02:55 PM
This is the beginning of a story I've been planning, basically a story of survival. The first chapter may seem a little slow going but hopefully the following chapters will pick it up. The main character in a newcomer who find himself in a nightmare with nothing but a child and faith to keep him alive.

Chapter One

The daughter of my deceased neighbors sobbed in my arms. Her tears ran down my arm washing away blood from a nasty wound. What the hell was I thinking when I took a dead copís gun and fired at the hordes of demons who had overrun our town.
ď Itís okay Estella.Ē I tried to tell the nine year old but immediately felt guilty.
Who the hell did I think I was? The girl had watched her family be slaughtered by beings she had only seen in nightmares. I thought we would be safe here in this basement but there is no food or water, sooner or later we would have to expose ourselves.
I looked at my bitten arm. Are these demons really from hell, or have they just been sleeping under the Earthís surface growing until now? I looked around the basement for anything useful. It had been made into someoneís room with a television and a couch made out to be a bed.
I stood up and lead Estella to it.
ď Donít worry, Iíll find a way to get us out of here.Ē I said sitting her down. She wrapped herself in a blanket to shield her body from the cold air seeping inside the basement. I patted her back in a friendly manner to soothe her as I walked around searching for useful items.
ď Itís Winter, where is the heater?Ē said Estellaís small voice. I saw the heater on the floor as soon as she said it. I moved it to the couch and turned it on.
I sat on the couch and laid my pistol on the floor.
I picked up a remote and switched the television on. Immediately our eyes were filled with the devastating news of chaos in America.
ď Anyone in the stated areas should take shelter and board up any window, doors, and other ways inside. As I said earlier, the Army states they do not know how long it will take for anyone to be rescued.Ē reported a lady on the news. I turned off the television so we didnít have to see any more.
I looked at Estella who was huddled as far as she could into the couch sobbing.
Her long brown hair hid her raw, sorrowful face. I knew that I had to look like **** too. Blood had dried over my arm and dirt was sprayed over my face. My sweater was torn and my jeans muddy. Yesterday was peaceful and snowy but today is chaotic and bloody.
ď You okay Estella?Ē I asked to break the uncomfortable silence.
She said nothing. I stood and looked at the ladder that led out of this basement. Taking a baseball bat I shoved it through the locks on the door so nothing could get inside.
I have no family here in North Carolina, most of them live in Texas or Alaska.
North Carolina seemed like the perfect place to live, yet after two weeks demons come and demolish every thing. The hideous demons with leathery black skin and long knife like talons. Now Iím stuck here with a sobbing child and bleeding arm.
Lord, if I have ever called on You before, I need You most now.

September 6th, 2005, 12:58 AM
I see someone else has been thinking about survival. :)

SubZero, it's a good start. Write this. Put this up in the Community when you're done so we can all read your story.


September 6th, 2005, 07:45 AM

Your third sentence:

"What the hell was I thinking when I took a dead copís gun and fired at the hordes of demons who had overrun our town."

Seemed like a pretty lazy piece of exposition to me, especially so early in a story. You don't want to give the whole game away in your first paragraph! ;)

September 7th, 2005, 06:05 AM
Thanks for the replies. :)

September 7th, 2005, 04:09 PM
It sounds interesting. Although I do agree with bill_haverchuck's comment. I'd like to see this when it gets finished

September 7th, 2005, 05:47 PM
For once Expendable didnt add any advice... thanks for the good comments.

I've decided to call it Surviving in December, unless you think of a better name.

September 8th, 2005, 02:56 AM
I was begining to think advice was holding you back.

Now get back to writing.