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Adi
February 18th, 2002, 12:10 PM
I have three short stories up on Sffworld at the moment. If anyone has some time to read I would like some feedback if possible. They've been up a while but I haven't had time to follow their progress (studying and hardware problems unfortunately). However any comments would be welcome.

The stories are "Bradley", "Good Cop, Dead Cop" and "...End Program" (the last one does have some spelling mistakes, I accidentally uploaded the unchecked version...Oops!)

Many thanks in advance and now I actually have a working computer I look forward to reading more stuff on the site.

Many Thanks

Adi

KATS
February 24th, 2002, 08:13 AM
Well, to start off, I very much enjoyed “Bradley”. The story just seems to work. The pacing was well done. Although this is type of story is not top of my list, it kept me entertained from beginning to end.

On the other hand, “Good Cop, Dead Cop” and “. . . End Program” both need more work.

“. . . End Program especially seems to drag. It’s an interesting idea, so the story has some great potential. But, it didn’t grab me. Perhaps if you read over it after a few weeks you will see what I mean. Or perhaps it was just me. At any rate, in my opinion, there are several areas this story can be improved. One is the excessive information that seems to bog the story down. Another is the tone of the story. The letter is addressed to this man’s wife, yet there is virtually nothing to draw the reader into the emotions of the characters. Also, it seemed unfinished or perhaps unpolished is a better word.

“Good Cop, Dead Cop” has many of the same problems that “ . . . End Program” has, though not as obvious. I would guess that you spent more time working on this one than, “. . . End Program”. Anyway, I can’t say I’m sold on the premise of the story. Although the idea ***SPOILER*** of a dead cop coming back to life to fight crime is interesting, I don’t know that by itself it’s enough to carry the whole story. As it is, the plot is a bit weak. There really wasn’t a climax to the story, which left me a bit disappointed.

Sorry it took so long for me to read the stories, hope this helps.

Adi
February 24th, 2002, 08:55 PM
Thanks for your comments. With regard to both 'Good Cop' and '...End Program' they did take less time to write than 'Bradley' which was part of a much bigger story which still sits unfinished http://www.sffworld.com/ubb/smile.gif

In hindsight my main gripe with 'Good Cop' is that it is wooden in execution. When I get some more time (got some university reading to get through this week). I may sit down and try and loosen the story up a little http://www.sffworld.com/ubb/smile.gif

Again, thanks for reading

Adi

KATS
February 25th, 2002, 06:07 AM
I would be very much interested in reading the full version of Bradley when you finish it.

By the way, as I was reading the cop story, I thought you were going to kill the dead cop as he's walking through the door to his 1st call. http://www.sffworld.com/ubb/wink.gif

estranghero
February 25th, 2002, 06:18 PM
Hey Adi!

Just finished reading your 3 stories. Sorry this took so long, had so much work in the office.

Anyway, if I were to rank your stories, I'd say your best is '... End Program', followed by 'Good Cop, Dead Cop', and then last is 'Bradley'.

Contrary to KATS, I like '...End Program' for its simplicity, its concept, and the chilling horror. It's like a combination of 'Aliens' with the anime flick, 'Ghost in the Machine'. Of course, the style (narration) maybe a bit clunky but your story makes up much for it. This may be why KATS dislikes the story though he did say that it had great potential.

'Good Cop, Dead Cop', on the other hand, has a good concept, something straight out of Laurell Hamilton's vampire books or Tim Powers, i.e. the undead co-existing with the living. However, I agree with KATS that this needs work as it needs a beginning, a middle, and an end. But don't be discouraged, your idea is fantastic.

Lastly, 'Bradley' is okay though nothing spectacular. Of course, that may be just me as I'm a fantasy-horror reader more than sci-fi. http://www.sffworld.com/ubb/wink.gif

I also agree with some of KATS' critique, i.e. info-dumping, but your writing is very good that it flow easily.

I guess what I really want to say is that you have very good potential for creating stories and ideas. I think you just need some polishing to make them shine.

Keep on writin'! http://www.sffworld.com/ubb/smile.gif

Adi
February 26th, 2002, 06:12 AM
Thanks for reading. It's interesting to see how different stories appeal to different people. As I remember it my approach to the latter stories was very different to 'Bradley'.

While I like 'Bradley' I have to admit that I had discovered Asimov's work just beforehand and I guess it filtered through into the story.

The latter two however came at a time later when I hadn't actually been reading anything in particular. They do lack the polish of Bradley, but they do feel a little more personal in approach.

In truth Bradley escalated into eighteen chapters of various lengths. The immediate sequel to Bradley however is unfinished (I thought I had finished it but upon checking I was wrong, it's amazing how you falsely think that something is complete until you look at it. I guess I must have finished it in my head and forgot to write it down) http://www.sffworld.com/ubb/smile.gif.

The big story had the provisional title of 'U.S Mechanicals' and dealt with the consequences of what happened in Bradley. Especially to the robot manufacturers and the corporations that were under threat as a result.

I'm quite into the idea of going back to the stories and reworking the material I have into a more readable format.

I'll let you know how I get on.