I'm just chucking stories at this site until they politely ask me to stop... <shrugs> I've been on a writing kick, I'm currently awaiting disability and have alot of free time.
I welcome the harshest of criticism, I'm admitingly very common in style... not very cutting edge... I write in black and white sixties television so to speak.
But I shamelessly plead for your comments... I realize 10 pages of Imminent Arrival is a bit much to read on your coffee break, so two more cafine driven, middle of the night whims have been offered. They're short!
February 23rd, 2002, 11:34 PM
Hi Nathan Carter
I just read 'The Satisfied Customer' but I'm afraid I can't give very harsh criticism for that story. I liked it very much, couldn't find anything to critique, really.
I liked the opening sentence '... the brain numbing flow of mild radiation streaming out of his television set.' http://www.sffworld.com/ubb/smile.gif And the idea of 'Hypnotic Lobotomy INC' was really freaky and delivered perfectly in the short 'flash story' form.
Very good story.
February 24th, 2002, 02:07 PM
I wouldn’t call your style common. Short short stories are difficult to write.
Like Nicba I like “The Satisfied Customer”.
Although the idea for “A Woman With a Gun” is well thought out, I think you should research multiple personalities a bit more. I know that some TV shows/movies exhibit the same misgivings about multiple personalities as your story, but I found the specifics of the story too unbelievable. I realize that many stories don’t follow facts and they still work, but this story just didn’t work for me, mostly because of the above reason.
True multiple personalities are rare and always a result of major early childhood abuse (though some insist that multiple personalities doesn’t really exist). For those cases that are acknowledge, it’s even rarer for one of the personalities to be violent and/or criminal. I just couldn’t believe that two exceptions fell in love.
As far as the story itself, like “Imminent Arrival”, the dialogue could use some rewriting. I actually like the basic plot and writing - style included.
Hope this helps.
February 25th, 2002, 02:57 AM
many thanks for both of your thoughts... I only blush at nicba's compliments, while I can actually respond to KATS sincere criticism.
Well... having my own experience with mental illness (and i won't disclose exactly what that means) I understand your concern... however, I went ahead with the improbability of the scenario because it was an idea waiting to come to surface.
I have the slant to attach the dark and treacherous to that which gives no reason for it. For lack of a better example... hostile aliens bent on the worlds destruction are an easier shoe for me to wear than friendly, eager to help ones. Or seemingly harmless infomercials, in my mind, must have some malevolent, ulterior motive.
But, don't think I'm taking improper defense to your comments... I appreciate them greatly.
February 25th, 2002, 05:56 PM
Well, Nathan, your stories are pretty good. You're a pretty prolific guy. http://www.sffworld.com/ubb/smile.gif
First of all, 'Woman with a gun' reminds me of Stephen King's psychological horror stuff. Look up his 'Secret Garden, Secret Window' and this story of his set in a restaturant and a sensitive maitre'd.
Okay, I'll critique this first. The probability of this story isn't so far since I've found out that truth is sometimes stranger than fiction. And having a loved one experiencing mental problems made me also receptive to the idea. It's a very good twist.
However, my only comment is that instead of having the two characters experiencing the same problem (MPD), have Martin a problem like, say... Buffalo Bill in the movie, 'Silence of the Lambs' (schizophrenia), such that it would a complete twist on the idea. Imagine, a twisted love story of mental illnesses? That way, the probability is more... probable?
As for 'The Satisfied Customer', the first thought was... is there a difference before and after? http://www.sffworld.com/ubb/wink.gif
Seriously, this story is very biting, a very good social commentary. Maybe Bradbury-esque or some such writer. My opinion though here is that take out the idea of hypnotism. I mean, think about it. Most of the stuff on infomercial is dubious to begin with yet people still believe 'em and buy so why not take from there? http://www.sffworld.com/ubb/smile.gif
Anyway, sorry if my comments are disjointed. I'm currently in the office and I'm kinda busy so I'm just inputting my thoughts on the matter.
Here's a suggestion. Your stories are very good and you have great potential. I would only suggest is that when you finish writing a story, you place it out of your mind for a week or so and then review it. In the interim, watch a lot and read a lot so that you can add more ideas to improve your story. That way, your stories improve with age, experience and education.
Well, gotta get back to work...
Keep on writing!
February 26th, 2002, 08:16 AM
I made a more proper response to you wonderful people in the Imminent Arrival Feedback thread... But as far as these, I thank you again for your comments and suggestions. Customer will remain I believe... but I'd like to try and improve Woman... I agree with hero, further distortion would probably bring about better proportion, as insane as that sounds, it's a great idea!