View Full Version : Critique: My Writings
September 28th, 2005, 10:44 PM
I have posted my short stories in the community here and given below are their links
These stories are peoples' stories, human stories, stories about people we come across in our daily lives...and then one day it happens when we dont even realize...How I was touched by an angel...
I'm looking forward to everyone's feedback and reviews.
September 29th, 2005, 12:26 AM
Hi, I've read your stories. :)
The mundane: All three of your stories contain "little slips". Spelling errors, tense shifts etc. I don't mind, but there are people who do. These little things, however, are easy to get rid of, so no worries there.
Both of your stories "Those smiling eyes..." and "Reminscences of 'Scents'" start out story-like, then weave into something like an essay. In "Those smiling eyes..." this is skillfully done: the power of the images the story creates carrys you through the philosophy afterwards. In "Reminscences", however, the connection appears to be to abstract; I like the idea, but somehow the story part and the pensive part don't come together, for me.
All three stories contain sentences/phrases that are absolutely delightful:
"...watching the wicked sea dance" (It sounds so simple, but the grammatical ambiguity [is "dance" a verb or a noun], the contrast between "wicked" and "dance", and the way it's embedded in the story, are just great!)
"But then what on earth can I do, if the afore mentioned lady makes use of her nose only to pry in others private matters or look down on others." Hehe...
A matter of taste: Personally, I prefer understatement in dramatic situations, so the drama can speak for itself:
For example: "The caring grew even more when I learnt one day...a painful truth from her mum."
The ellipsis, here, seems to me like a drum roll before the punch line. (On a side note, I think "more" should "stronger" in this sentence. But, considering my tendency towards understatement, I'd simply say "The caring grew when...")
Try to avoid words that invoke nothing (like "it", "was"...) wherever possible. Example:
"it would begin raining any minute" could be "rain would begin any minute" or something like that...
I loved your story "Ek Din Achanak". The telling backwards, the episodic & scenic nature of the story, the open-endedness, and the "subtitle style", and the ending work very well for me.
Definitely keep writing. :)
September 29th, 2005, 12:57 AM
Thank you so much Dawnstorm for your feedback. :)
September 29th, 2005, 01:04 AM
Gayatri, these three stories aren't really "stories" in the traditional sense, but rather situational close-up reports without beginning or end. I find your style of writing pleasant and comfortable. You need to write a novel with character arcs, conflicts, resolution, etc. I'd read that novel. These three stories are nice primers to what you can do if you crank it up to 11. Meaning, with your talent for such focused, localized descriptions, you only need to find an engaging plot to support your prose. And you should do it now. Are you working on anything at the moment?
September 29th, 2005, 01:15 AM
Thank you so much for your feedback. No I'm not working on anything at the moment. I have a habit of writing in bursts and when I'm feeling like it. I work as a S/W programmer for abt 10 hrs in the day and pursuing my MS on weekends.
I've always been keen towards taking up writing, and am very active in dramatics. I love reading and watchign movies and I really want to write a book someday. But I really dont know how to actually begin :o he-he!
These short stories I have posted might have taken me abt 30 minutes to write :D I didnt check the grammar nor do a spell-check just posted it straight :o ..thats what I always do...just pen out those thoughts..just like that..and i cant believe i actually posted all of them here :rolleyes: But I'm so glad you guys are giving me back such constructive feedback and I think I'll try to implement from whatever I learn...
September 29th, 2005, 12:00 PM
Gayatri, I'm currently pursuing my BS and maybe an MS is right around the corner!
I just started writing my first novel. Well, I have started others, but not to the same degree as this one. I've learned to create a detailed outline to keep me on track when I write. I've also learned not to edit while I'm writing the first draft. I wrote a bit last night, and went to bed unsatisfied. But that's okay, because many things will get deleted, rearranged, and rewritten on the second draft. I won't let it stop me from finishing the novel.
Well, sorry for rambling. I hope you find to time to work on your novel because you're not getting any younger.
September 29th, 2005, 10:27 PM
Of your three stories, "Those Smiling Eyes..." was the best.
And Dawnstorm's right, some of your phrases are absolute wonders. With some editing, I think you'll have a better story.
Please think about expanding "Those Smiling Eyes..." beyond the two pages you've given it. You've got a novel hidden in there.
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