PDA

View Full Version : Critique: A little something I'm tinkering with


SFFWorld.com
Home - Discussion Forums - News - Reviews - Interviews

New reviews, interviews and news

New in the Discussion Forum


World Builder
November 7th, 2005, 02:26 PM
I've been messing around with a story for a while now, trying out different openings. I think I finally got one I like and thought I would share. It's nothing much yet and though I have an idea of where things are going with the story nothing is certain at this point. So, here goes.

*****

His name was Brother Ghashim tal-Laddyn. For fourteen years he served under the High Inquisitor Maasad, quelling one heresy after another throughout the Immanate. At his manse in Qremloaq, within sight of that gilded sepulcher, the Immanence's palace, his wife lives in the luxury afforded to her by her husband's position. His other wife, the secret he confessed under a knife, the one he married for love rather than to secure a place in the capital, cares for his three children in a hovel on a hillside overlooking Ashar-by-the-Dawn. Pride for his children bubbled like spittle in his throat. The eldest would, no doubt, follow his father's blind zealotry into the Inquisitor's service. If his daughter had not been born a bastard, she might have been married off to a lord of the northern provinces to strengthen ties between Qremloaq and Herreshon -- he held that hope for her to the end, idealistic fool that he was. More likely she'll be sent off to a red abbey. As for the youngest, the baby still suckling from his mother's breast, Ghashim hazarded no guess with a blade at his neck. A world of possibilities are as open to the boy as his father's throat was open to me.

Snowie
November 7th, 2005, 06:00 PM
Wow, just a taste of your work, but I love it. Absorbing, full of twists and turns, grabs the reader right away. The way you throw out these intriguing terms -- "red abbey," "queeling," and "High Inquisitor" -- very catchy.

The BEST of all, though, was the revelation of the narrator.

Watch your tenses, though.

World Builder
November 7th, 2005, 07:00 PM
Thanks, Snowie. Glad you liked it. Sorry to tell you that "queeling" was a typo. Should have been, and now is, "quelling." I fixed the tense problems (hopefully. I might have missed some, and a few tense switches are intentional), thanks for catching that.

I'm glad you liked the details, because I'm worried I might have dumped too much info in that first paragraph.

Snowie
November 7th, 2005, 09:31 PM
If "queeling" was a typo, do you mind if I borrow it? I was immediately devoted to the word, and am going to insert it into the next five stories I write! "Queeling," it just sounds so good...of course, I loved the name "Queequeg" in Moby Dick, too...

I hope you'll write more soon.

tracyt1800
November 7th, 2005, 11:09 PM
Wow, just a taste of your work, but I love it. Absorbing, full of twists and turns, grabs the reader right away. The way you throw out these intriguing terms -- "red abbey," "queeling," and "High Inquisitor" -- very catchy.

The BEST of all, though, was the revelation of the narrator.

Watch your tenses, though.

Snowie, I've read several of your critiques. You give nice evaluations ... praised mixed with constructive criticism. I also noticed you're from West Texas. Are you a member of a critique group somewhere? I'm from Lubbock and belong to critique group here. I'm wondering if I might already know you from the group.

Tracy

Snowie
November 8th, 2005, 09:06 AM
Ah, you are from Lubbock, Tracy. I almost moved there but chose the desert about 2.5 hours south of you instead. Lubbock is a fine town.

Back to the sample of work World Builder posted, this is the sort of thing I read and then hit myself in the forehead, saying "Why couldn't *I* come up with these cool things?" RED ABBEY is seared into my brain, the two wives, the whole setup grabbed me...and then the punch of finding who's speaking...when the wording and the characters start teeming in my mind like that, I know the finished work is going to be good.

A famous Tucson artist once told me, when I was sort of down about how talented others were, to never give in to envy, and to applaud instead of envy them. Well, my hands are raw from applauding the work of other painters, and now also from applauding the work I've seen from forum members.

Dawnstorm
November 8th, 2005, 09:28 AM
and then the punch of finding who's speaking...

Yeah, that was clever. It gives a twist to re-reading. :)

I also like "the Immanate". I wonder if there's a verb "to immanate", too. Interesting thought pattern, considering the meaning of "immanent" and "immanence".