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pennywise86
November 8th, 2005, 12:15 PM
I would very much appreciate it if you guys could read this and give me a critique.

I realize it's vague, and does not give you a true sense of who the character is, but then again it's written for people who are reading the story the second time around, so they can pick up on it and truly realize what's going on. If anyone's read Robert Jordan's The Wheel of Time, you'll know what I'm trying to convey.

This is about the major villain in the story, and is supposed to show the second-time readers why he is the way he is, and why he wants the Orb of Light so much. The land is vague because that is where the story finally concludes, and I want to show it in its entirety then. I want to give the reader a sense of what the place is like, but not give away too much information so that it still feels like they are coming to it anew when the characters reach it at stories end.

I hope that explains it all.


Prologue (http://www.sffworld.com/community/story/1054p0.html)

tielserrath
November 8th, 2005, 02:36 PM
This looks very good.

Can you email it to me as a word file? The site knackers the formatting and I find the narrow column style very difficult to deal with.

If you're nervous about letting your work out like that, i'll do an exchange with you.

NB have you thought about joining critters? It can be really useful.

www.critters.org

You do, however have to critique other's work. In many ways, exchange critiquing is better; you put in the effort that you hope other people will expend on yours.

kater
November 8th, 2005, 04:16 PM
This looks very good.

Can you email it to me as a word file? The site knackers the formatting and I find the narrow column style very difficult to deal with.


Incase you missed the sign, always post your stories from wordpad unless you know a little HTML as there is so much extra programming in Word that messes with the formatting :)

onions
November 9th, 2005, 04:30 AM
It's a strong piece that evokes strong emotions. Not knowing that this is the villain, I actually identified with him.

I feel that the first passage is not as evocative as the rest, I think it could use more lyrical imagery and more original vocabulary, not the wind racing to ward him off and the air smelling like a grave and someone laughing bitterly.

I especially liked the parts about the stone sentinels and the animal in the dark - they made it very eery. Probably because you are describing specific details instead of going into broad sweeping descriptions.

I liked the idea of the orb trying to change him and then giving up on him - though I ask myself if the "giving up"part of it is something the villain would have been able to formulate this clearly. It sounds more like an objective narrator is telling us about it. Same problem with his mind being "distorted" at the end. I don't think someone whose thoughts are being tortured out of shape would actually think of the word "distorted". It sounds like you telling us about it.

Only unclear thing is the part where the orb? speaks and you say it sounds not like one voice but like all the voices (or something). The way the sentence is written isn't very clear.

I think you have a talent for really getting inside your character's skin (better than Robert Jordan at any rate!) and that you are best when you are writing about quirky details and thoroughly human reactions to them.

Regards,
onions

pennywise86
November 9th, 2005, 08:29 PM
Thanks for the feedback, Onions (lol, I'm picturing an onion everytime I see your name, it's almost a surprise your avatar isn't of one.) I'm definately going to put your suggestions to use.

As for the RJ remark, let's just hope some agent feels the same way when he looks at it :D .