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Feacus Fidelle
May 3rd, 2002, 10:32 AM
Ok ok, it's still not done, even though its been over two months now. But it's getting there.

This is my most recent version:
http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=756929

pheacus.

Feacus Fidelle
May 5th, 2002, 12:19 PM
Due to a lack of responses, I might as well delete this thread.

Erebus
May 5th, 2002, 12:34 PM
Well leave the link, FF - I want to read your tale when I have more time. There's so much great stuff around atm that it takes time to get through everything. Please don't be disheartened because you have little or no feedback yet. http://www.sffworld.com/ubb/smile.gif

Erebus
May 6th, 2002, 01:27 AM
Hi Feacus,

I read this tale thinking it was an update of the Gaze story. Obviously, this is something completely different!

As for the story itself, two thirds of it really grabbed me, with the eloquence of your descriptive, first-person narrative sufficiently compelling. Only momentarily did I ponder that perhaps at times the adjectives were a tad overused, making some of the passages appear a little over-descriptive perhaps. But then the final third raced before my eyes and sadly, the words I read had lost their magic, as the story degenerated into a sugary-sweet Walton's-like family reunion episode.

Perhaps you can develop this portion of the tale further? I feel it is the story's main weakness rather than its catalyst. But of course, this is just how it appeared to me.

As I read your various tales, the improvement in your technical style is very evident, but for this tale at least, I feel the plot has let you down. I found only one obvious error in your text, which I will include below so that you can more easily address it on your next revision.


Even though it must have been I dream I had while unconscious, its message was still fresh in my mind.

As I said, I was expecting a fresher version of the other tale, but this was equally as good, the first two thirds quite astounding in truth. If you can rework the final third so it doesn't appear like a soap opera script, you'll have a real winner here!

Thank you for allowing us the opportunity of reviwing your work-in-progress. http://www.sffworld.com/ubb/smile.gif

Cheers, Neil

[This message has been edited by erebus (edited May 06, 2002).]

Feacus Fidelle
May 6th, 2002, 12:35 PM
Wow, that's exactly what I thought! I hated, hated hated, all the family stuff but I couldn't think of how to change it. Somehow, your critique has revamped my eagerness to fix up the end. Thanks http://www.sffworld.com/ubb/redface.gif)

pheacus