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Final07
November 12th, 2005, 01:44 PM
my story I've been writing...a couple weeks ago I got tired of writing short stories and building my world. I started writing the story I've been planning to do. I got five chapters written, and I'm working on six. I'm a beginner writer compared to many of the registered folks in here so....I want some opinon on this story. Holes in the plot, bad writing, things like that. I appreciate all feedback.

http://www.sffworld.com/community/story/1061p0.html

onions
November 16th, 2005, 07:55 AM
I hesitated to write anything, because I'm not sure whether you'll even come back here and look at your thread.
Still, I try to give critiques when I can because I know how useful it is when other people critique my stuff. So here goes.

It's obvious that you're having fun writing this and that you have a concrete story in your mind. You get straight to the point and don't mess around, which is good.
- Vocabulary. I think you need to work on your vocabulary. Try and surprise the reader, use original turns of phrase. For instance, in the first three or four paragraphs your character "smiles" four times. Try and vary your expressions more.
- Description: Your first idea that I really, really liked was the building. But what happened to the description? This building has "a hundred" stories, and yet the only word you can think of is "huge"? As a reader, I want more! I want to hear how it's like a beehive (or whatever), how it towers over and intimidates the citizens that walk past, how it's a run down pile of ancient hubris, whatever. Give me the feeling that I'm really there, don't just tell me that a 100-floor-building is "huge". I know that.
- Character: Your hero is meant to be cool but the things he says/thinks, make him seem like an immature ass. If he were really an experienced a thief/assassin, he would be long past gloating about how stupid his victims are. He wouldn't even waste a weary thought on them. His antics may be new and exciting to you, but they're all in a days work for him. If you want cool, look at Pulp Fiction. These hit men are so bored about their work that they talk about burgers and foot massages while on duty.

Okay, I hope that was useful.
I hope you'll carry on writing.

Regards,
onions

Final07
November 16th, 2005, 04:56 PM
thanks for the advise...my main character is meant to come off as an immature ass...lol. I want to use his current personality to stress how the events that happened to him changed him. He will sober up. Around the end of this book it will happen. By the way, this is meant to be a seven book series...so there is much to come from me yet...