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Rira
November 15th, 2005, 05:18 PM
Hey, ive got a couple poems that have been kicking around for a long while...i've played with them on and off, and kinda wondered what they were worth. If anyone has a few minutes, could you read over these, and critique one or two. Please be blunt. Thank you for your time!


-Tomarrow-
You say Tomarrow will be better,
Will it ever?
Will it ever?
You can't lie to me;
"New Dawn, new day..."
But it's just the same,
Always the same.
Phantom sun, painted moon,
End it soon,
Please...end it soon.
Scenery changes, beyond my care,
Different people, but you're still there,
You're still there,
Telling me to wait until Tomarrow.

Noxious fluids stain my hands
And Timeless sands,
Timeless sands
Rub raw my branded skin.
You can't see and I can't win,
I can not win.
Fire dancing, burning coals-
I am alone...
Finally, alone...
Burn away! Make me pure!
But there's no cure,
There is no cure.
And you cry, and tell me to hold on until Tomarrow.

Tomarrow...
"Tomarrow creeps in this petty pace from day to day,
To the last syllable of Recorded Time.
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to Dusty Death!"

You say Tomarrow will be better,
But it will never,
It can never.
Though you're still here, begging me to wait...

-Untitled-
To be buried in the Living Earth
Breathless, Bloodless,
A form of flesh as silent and pale as clay,
Head and Heart void.
Soil pressed against my eyelids, like sleep,
Interlaced between my fingers- a lover's hand.
And a web of roots above to shade me from a sun
I'll never see again.

-Madness-
My heart is racing, yet time keeps pacing
With its steady, rythmic flow.
Life pulsating, cursing, hateing;
Mind is working slow.
Standing high: Empty skies,
Shadows stain a ground
Cold and dark, realization stark-
Toward Darkness I am bound.
Sanity leaving, thoughts deceiving,
From running, oh, so long...
Dark decending with bitter ending-
Nothing stands so strong.

-Time-
Strong is Man
But Fragile is Life.
Sharp as Glass
But shatter does Ice.
Structure to All
But splinter does Bone.
Older than Earth
But weather does Stone.

Dawnstorm
November 15th, 2005, 06:50 PM
General comments: I like your poems, I think you've got talent. There's a rhythmic concept to most of them, but it's not too rigid, and the departures from the rhythm usually work. You're vocabulary is neither too fancy nor too simple; just the right mix. My favourite is -untitled-. Madness could be the lyrics to a song (with an instumental intro to build up the mood... I can hear it...). Nice job.

Specifics:

1. Tomarrow:

Is the title deliberate (Tomorrow + Arrow), or is it a spelling mistake that winds its way through the piece? If it's deliberate, I'm not sure it works.

Nice sturcture with the repeated lines, that sometimes match one to one, but usually don't. (The impact is heightened I think, when you hear it read from someone who knows how to read it. Actually, I think your poetry in general improves when heard. People should read them aloud.)

"can not" should be "cannot", unless you're giving a clue to the pronunciation (pause between the words).

The lines between the quotation marks are gorgeous!

"Phantom Sun" is interesting. A phantom would be something you can't see clearly, and the sun is something you can't look at straight. An interesting combination. I wonder what it means.

2. - untitled -

No specific comments. But I just love it. As I said my favourite.

3. Madness

The rapid rhymes make it read strangely, but that could be balanced out by making it a song, I think. Also, since this one has a pretty symmetric structure, I'd devide it into stanzas, like verse in a song; put into 4/4 measures, I'd devide it like this (two beats per measure, about 2 measures per line):

My heart is racing, yet | time keeps pacing
With its | steady, rythmic | flow. |
Life pulsating, | cursing, hateing; |
Mind is working | slow. |

Standing high: | Empty skies, |
Shadows stain a | ground |
Cold and dark, | realization stark- |
Toward Darkness I am | bound. |

Sanity leaving, | thoughts deceiving,
From | running, oh, so | long... |
Dark decending with | bitter ending- |
Nothing stands so | strong. |

The first and third stanza could have the same melody, and middle one either a different one, or a variation. Notice how all lines in that one end on a stressed syllable.

I don't think this is a poem. I think these are the lyrics to song. ;)

4. Time

Nice, but probably my least favourite. It could be a riddle, though, if you scratch the title.

What does the last line mean. weather = wither? Hm...

"Sharp as Glass/But shatter does Ice" - There's nothing wrong with this probably, but, personally, I don't like it when one line is grammatically incomplete, the next one pretends to continue it, yet the verb does not not agree with the former line. Here: "Sharp as glass" implies an "is" (Sharp as glass [is ice]), but the next line gives me a "does"; which kind of leaves the echo of the nonsense sentence "Sharp as glass does Ice". I hope you see what I mean, it's a bit confusing to try to explain this... (Actually, I'm no longer sure that's why I don't like the line, since the next two lines have the same "problem", but I don't mind them... strange...)

So, I hope I haven't confused you too much.

***

You've got a natural feel for the rhythm and sound of language. And you really have some nice imagery. Keep writing!

David Forbes
November 15th, 2005, 08:21 PM
I'm not much of either a poetry reader or critic, but I do like them. I don't have anything to add to Dawnstorm's comments, which I think are very good.

Definitely keep writing. (I did have the same question/concern about the spelling of tomarrow, FWIW.)

onions
November 16th, 2005, 06:38 AM
I always admire people who can write poetry, and you sure can. There's a sort of natural confidence to your writing.
I'm a horrible poetry critic because I lack the patience to find out what poems mean...but I'll do my best! Please take with grain of salt.

My favourite is "Tomorrow". But I'm not sure what the person's problem is. Is she suffering from a particularly painfull illness? Or is it a major depression? I always imagined that being depressed would feel...more dull, if you see what I mean, so I'm leaning toward the former.
I liked some lines especially, like the one about the "noxious fluids".
I gave up on the meaning of the verse before last (limited patience, I'm sorry), and why is it in quotation marks? As to the last verse, it seems superfluous - it just repeats more clearly the conclusions you've reached in the verses before and adds nothing to the drama - the poem sort of fizzles out. I think it deserves a really shattering last verse that offers something the reader doesn't know or hasn't thought of yet.

Untitled: Interesting, but didn't engage me emotionally. I think it's because it starts with "To be buried..." (i.e. imagining being buried) but doesn't let the person who's speaking have an opinion. I.e. To be buried...is my worst nightmare? ...my secret dream? ...the lesser of two evils? ...a relief? It's a very cool speculation on what being buried is like, and if this person isn't emotionally invested in his fantasy, why should I, the reader, be?

Madness: What Dawnstorm said.

Time: I'm sorry, I know the sentence structure is deliberate, but it really grates (maybe that's just me). Is Time supposed to be some ancient alien being made of rocks, groaning out severly mangled grammar from it's subterranean vaults? Because it sounds that way.

Evil Agent
November 16th, 2005, 02:48 PM
All I could think about was the misspelling of Tomorrow! Sorry... :o

But they were otherwise good, especially untitled.

Kirby
November 18th, 2005, 04:54 AM
Hi. Please don't apologise for posting your poetry.
(That kind of thing bugs me - sufficiently so, that I might have to go write something about the matter! ;) )

As a fan of Old Norse edda and riddle/rhyme, I liked the style of the last one, would like it more though without the Buts. I concur that the title is not necessary.
The other poems are not really my cup of tea, which is not to say that they are not good poems, but rather that their subject matter doesn't really do anything for me. The visual imagery of "untitled" was good though, and of those three, that would be the one I'd pick.

Apologise no longer! You seem to have some instinct for timing and of the rhyme within that, so keep on. :)

Rira
November 20th, 2005, 06:53 PM
My appologies for not responding sooner. Thank you for yours.
Now, as for the spelling of Tomarrow, the reason is very simple. I am an idiot. Fully and completely. Sorry for that. But your views on it being spelled that way were wonderful. I wanted to pretend it was intentional. but it wasnt. Tomorrow (see? Ive got it now...) is kinda leaning more toward depression, but incorporates the anxious, trapped feeling you often get with it. A sort of helplessness that begins to drive you to hysterics (sp?). The "bridge" of sorts in the middle is part of one of Shakespears verses from Macbeth. I know, best part of the poem and its not mine. Thats why I put it in quotes, so when someone recoginizes it they didnt think i would try to pass it off as mine. Anyway, the Untitled one is...maybe doesnt wholly make sense, but its more feelings and images described with words...I couldn't really explain it to you.
as for maddness, well, that kinda explains itsself. I dont really have anything to say about it. Though i never thought of making it a song, Dawnstorm. Thats not a bad idea....Ive been playing with music lately...though not really with my own stuff...
And i realize that i didnt really need to title Time. But you'd be amazed how many people at home didnt understand it when i read it to them, when it was written three years ago. So i thought id make it easier. ...
anyway, thank you for your time, everyone!