[Alucard]

Hello,

I have written a short story and submitted it to the site. It is under the title "Eli" by "Ben Cooper." If any of you fellow members would be willing to give it a one over (it's not long) and tell me what you thought, I would appreciate it. I haven't written a great many short stories, so any opinions, positive or negative, will be of value.

Oh, and with this story, I was aiming for "Charming." Let me know if I pulled that off.

Thanks in advance.

[Ladijen]

Alucard, I have not had a lot of practice at critique--and I'm only a 'junior member' http://www.sffworld.com/ubb/smile.gif --but I read "Eli" and I wanted to tell you that I really like it. It IS quite charming! It has a young-adult, or very light, feel to it (which may be the same thing as 'charming')--this was what you were going for? I particularly like the boy, Eli and how you managed to capture the frustration of a seven-year-old who KNOWS the truth, and has never even thought to question its believability. Enjoyable and entertaining!

[Alucard]

Wow, thank you, Ladijen. That's exactly what I was aiming for, something light and (hopefully) enjoyable. Glad to know it worked for someone. http://www.sffworld.com/ubb/smile.gif

Thanks again for reading it.

[Lawson]

Wow. That's what I thought. The plot engaged me and the characters, Eli especially, were people that I could get behind. I loved hwow you used consice writing and got to the point. Mostly everything in your story got right to the point and moved the story forward.

The only real criticism I have is that for a short story, a reader would understand the point if you showed two or three accidents happening. I think you showed a bit too many and I could not justify the space they took up in such a short tale.

Other than that, I would like to see this extended into a longer piece, because I find it incredibly interesting and engaging.

I gave it a five out of five.

[Alucard]

Wow, again. Thanks for the kind words, Lawson. And I think you just might be right about overdoing the examples. I was, indeed, striving to be concise (though, i'm that way with just about everything I write), and that would certainly help in that area. Definitely something to look into. Thanks for the input.

[tamlyn]

i liked it. it did have a very light feeling, the riting was simple and not complex but that was good. the dialogue between the parents seemed a bit young, not child young but young. i could have been imagining it of course. i seemed to be reading about going to the club and being picked up quite often but i suppose that was necessary and couldn't be avoided.
i don't feel quite right giving an opinion on this, as i'm not to good at opinions and mess up at these things myself but it was the way i read your story.

[Ashgan]

I thought it was quite an original idea. It's really fun and very readable, although I am more of an action person myself. Yeah, I would've loved seeing little Eli in a bigger fight. Shame the story isn't longer! Hehe, I can see a bright future ahead of that young boy.

[Alucard]

Thank you Ashgan and Tamlyn. I really appreciate all this feedback. And though, in some ways, I wanted to expand the topic further, I decided that I would keep it short and to the point, tossing flowery descriptions and lengthy paragraphs out the window.

And as for the dialogue, I was aiming for the "nuclear family" stereotypem which is probably why it came off the way it did. Oh well.

Thanks again.

[enazwo]

I read your tale of monster slayer Eli.
Indeed you succeeded with charming and an overall light approach to the peril to Eli's family.
A couple of minor typos, however original story. A nice contrast to your "A Grave Conversation"
The plot is nice and self-contained. With a little fine tuning, who knows perhaps you might have marketable kids story on your hands.

[tamlyn]

what the hell's a "nuclear family"?

an' being picky, eli turned into emmett breifly (unless it's changed since i read it) but thats just being picky.