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Mock
November 30th, 2005, 04:50 PM
One of my fuzzier chapters, but here goes. Feel free to write criticisms. I don't mind a few, "This piece of writing sucks," here and there.

Prologue





Xenon peered into the darkness with glowing green orbs. The hair on the back of his neck pricked up, and an icy shock ran down his spine. Nevertheless, he remained outwardly composed, leaning against the rock wall and watching the two city guards with cool disdain. They were conversing in hushed tones as they approached, completely unaware of the Shade’s presence. Xenon grinned at the thought.

A single drop of water sang down from the heavens, splashing into a puddle along the curb of the cobblestone street. The beginning of a terrible storm, Xenon acknowledged, pleased. His hand tightened on the hilt of his razor-sharp dagger and slid it slowly out of his belt. The bare blade glistened in the faint moonlight, and he withdrew the weapon into the folds of his black cloak. He looked up at the ominous clouds, blanketing the city in a stark darkness. The moon did indeed shine through; as did the brightest stars, but the meager light did little to improve the gloomy scene. Not that the Shade cared. Xenon knew the darkness of the night greatly assisted his allies.

He returned his gaze to the guards, who were rapidly drawing closer. Thick mist enshrouded them, dulling their mail shirts and iron greaves. Thick leather gauntlets enveloped strong hands, clamping around steel-tipped spears. No shields were borne, to Xenon’s surprise. All the more to my advantage, then, he thought, fully understanding the power of a mere buckler—even when used offensively.

Suddenly lightning crashed through the gray clouds, striking outside the city walls. The soldiers looked up in surprise, and Xenon leaped out of the shadows, snapping his wrist forward. The jeweled dagger lashed through the musty air, embedding itself in the foremost guard’s thigh.

Before the weapon even struck, a long sword emerged from Xenon’s cloak. The Shade moved with inhuman speed, dashing past the wounded guard and slashing across the mail shirt. The man slumped against the cobblestones.

The remaining soldier cried out, and the Shade wheeled around, lethal blade leading. As he drew within range, he feigned to the right. His adversary angled his spear in defense, and he flicked his sword back, plunging it into the soldier’s ribs and drawing it out. The guard yelped and threw up his arms desperately, but Xenon once again drove his weapon in, and his opponent crumpled to the ground.

Another beam of lightning struck the ground within the city.

The Shade quickly wiped his sword clean, undeterred by the blood. After sheathing it, he retrieved his dagger, and strode down the street in the direction of the strike. It was close—so close.

The Age of Redemption had ended. The savior had not come.

The world was doomed.

A blinding shaft of light struck Xenon, and he shielded his eyes. When the brilliance diminished, there was something the Shade had never seen in his five hundred years of life.

A swirling red mist lay before Xenon, rising higher and higher until it towered over him. He slid his dagger back into his belt, unaware of his drooping lips.

And a bolt of lightning streamed down from above, grinding against the heart of the mist. A droplet of water pelted the Shade’s black cloak, then another. He drew the cowl over his head, staring up at the darkened sky. Thousands of globules of water streamed down, mocking him.

Xenon turned back to the mist. A portal, he realized, astonished. It seemed impossible. These arcane relics of ancient magic had vanished hundreds of years ago.

Hesitant, the Shade stepped forward and reached out with long, slender fingers into the mist. A fiery jolt coursed through his veins, and he swore quietly. Then he stepped in, and all went white as he drifted to another plane of existence.

The world was doomed.

? ? ?

Huge waves slapped against the high cliffs of the island of Lohne, beating relentlessly against dirt and stone. High above was Erech Miritor, the Tower of Tears. The beautiful golden tower rose far above the city that sprawled around it. Nevertheless, Allana looked upon it with cool disdain from her vantage point on a lofty hill. She had decided long ago that it was a flawed work of art—the remnant of a civilization long lost.

“Still dreaming of a utopia?”

She turned to the tall man standing beside her. Silthoneas Galdor was old, even for a Raie, having lived for well over a thousand years. Yet even then, there were no signs of age.

Allana smirked. And there never will be. Oh, how he loves life . . . and immortality. She couldn’t decide whether she liked the man or not. He was aloof and arrogant, but also quiet. When he does speak, it is worth listening to, though.

“Dreaming. Yes,” Allana said. “I know very well that it is impossible to discover the true location of the Golden Realm . . .”

“But you desire to solve the mysteries hulking about it. You think the unearthing of the ancient magic there would prove extremely useful to both Raie and humans,” the mage finished.

“Yes,” Allana marveled.

“But that is not why you have come to Erech Miritor. The Silvyn Council has summoned you. I was sent out to meet you.”

“And I presume you know why they demand my presence,” Allana prodded.

“Perhaps.”

“Would you care to tell me?” she questioned.

“All I know is that it has to do with Dranokbern,” Silthoneas offered. He began to walk down the hill toward the city gate.

“They want me to go there,” Allana said, “don’t they?”

“I think so.”

“I haven’t been to the mainland for decades. What could they possibly want . . .?”

“You may be going to Eldaroc.”

The woman froze.

“You have to put it behind you. They will accept you this time.”

“They don’t trust us. I wasn’t allowed to leave. I had to flee, Silthoneas . . . And when I returned, they wouldn’t let me into the kingdom.”

“No one trusts the mages of Lohne. You know they think we are secretive and deceptive. It is a sacrifice.”

“But it is our own fault,” Allana said grimly. She continued down the path toward Erech Miritor, prepared to receive her assignment—her punishment.

*More coming . . .*

Jumbo Frendie
December 6th, 2005, 06:39 PM
hmmmmmmmmm an interesting piece of writing where did you get the idea for a shade from ive read about them in a few other stories aswell but anyway still an alright read.

Silvaya
December 6th, 2005, 07:06 PM
That was really awesome! I've been to another writers forum and most of the stuff sucked alot. This was really good. I was drawn in write from the start and was immediately attached to the characters. I liked their names by the way. A few suggestions

A) You say "The world was doomed." Twice and both times it seemed a little too...unmysterious. Everything else had me going, "Who the hell is this guy? I wonder what he wants." and then you said "The world was doomed. " and it was so blunt and separated from everything else and above all so it seemed a little cliche ( it's okay for the world to be doomed, but maybe you shouldn't say it too bluntly, or the cliche will be detected) Andd then you said it again, the same way, with two huge spaces, one above and the other below, if you want to emphasive the doo of the wold do it differentlly or through feeling, not by repeating yourself. I already know it's doomed.

B) I was a little confused as to whether or not the shade and Xenon were the same person for a while, because of the line "Before the weapon even struck, a long sword emerged from Xenon’s cloak." It made me imagine some guy pulling a sword out to defend the guard before the Shade had managed to strike, so work on that line.

C)"The moon did indeed shine through; as did the brightest stars, but the meager light did little to improve the gloomy scene. Not that the Shade cared. Xenon knew the darkness of the night greatly assisted his allies."

If the darkness assists his allies, then why doesn't he care? I would care if it was light when my allies needed darkness. And the fact that you mention that it helps his allies after stating that he doesn't care seems to suggest that he doesn't care because the darkness assists his allies. This makes no sense.

Coolness!

Mock
December 6th, 2005, 07:39 PM
Good point, Silvaya, the doom thing is cliche. I did mean to have it twice, though. So either way I'll probably take it out, but if I do leave it in, I'll be sure to edit the second one. Also, I'll patch up the Xenon/Shade issue. The darkness line didn't come out right either, I suppose. I worded it wrong. I probably should have said that he preferred darkness, etc. (I wrote this a few days ago, so my thoughts aren't as clear on it as before.)

As for the idea for a Shade--I didn't steal it, Jumbo, if that's what your implying. I might just change the name, but I basically wanted to have a sort of twisted, deadly assassin.

Thanks for the advice.

Kreschyboy
December 6th, 2005, 10:47 PM
First of all, i would like to say that this is a nice piece of writing. You were repetitive in some parts, and the first two paragraphs or so were a bit confusing, but a solid plot outweighed that.

1)What exactly are the "arcane relics of ancient magic." Did it just appear out of thin air? or was thare a cairn or something with a portal in it? An archway maybe? it was a bit unclear.

2)Also, i noticed that you used an impressive vocabulary on the first part of the story. It was a bit less sophistocated on the second half. Can you keep up that pace and still have your story flow smoothly? it is a little bit odd for it to go from "He looked up at the ominous clouds, blanketing the city in a stark darkness." to "She continued down the path..."

3) a bit of repetetiveness

Nevertheless, he remained outwardly composed, leaning against the rock wall and watching the two city guards with cool disdain.
Allana looked upon it with cool disdain from her vantage point on a lofty hill.

and as mentioned before, your double dooms.

Good luck though. once you write a few more chapters, i would be interested in reading it.

Mock
December 7th, 2005, 03:06 PM
Mmmm, I should have recognized the "cool disdain" when I looked over it. And I will try to "keep up the pace." I completely understand what you mean when you say that. Thanks for the input!

Edit: Btw, the portal is the arcane relic. Guess I wasn't clear.