I posted this story a week or two ago, forgot to ask for feedback, so...
Any Feedback is much appreciated! "The Siege" by W.A. Straub, Jr.
May 29th, 2002, 06:21 AM
Your story, "The Siege" was quite good. I always enjoy suprise endings. And the descriptive details you put in, like the poor quality of Richard's gear or the barrel of wine exploding, bring life to the story.
If I had to make any suggestions, I would say that you just need to go over the story a few more times, reading it out loud, and rewrite a few sentences that sound awkward. For example, the sentence "That was bad." on page 3 could surely be said in a more interesting way. Also, at times the dialogue didn't sound natural--frightened people in an exited state don't usually take the time to use proper grammar.
I'm curious why there was a complete absence of females and children in the story. Have they all been previously removed from the city? If so you should mention that.
All in all it's a great story. Keep on writing!
May 29th, 2002, 12:43 PM
Thanks for the reply.
I agree that my dialogue sometimes lacks...it's easily the weakest part of my writing.
as for the women and children; I purposefully left them out of hte beginning not because htey were not in the city, but because they would not have been part of the city's direct defense. The story revolved around a small group of people who had been conscripted into the city's 'watch' at the start of the siege. I did want much of the city to seem deserted, but i must admit that after the initial fall of the gates, the remaining citizens of the city should have made an appearance. Didn't even cross my mind. To be honest, though, I didn't mention really ANYONE except the small group of men in hte city guard. the few I mentioned in passing were more or less gender-neutral.
No women or children would have been involved with the group at the very end because
...the person in charge wasn't interested in them, he wanted members of the watch.
Thanks for hte comments, though, I'll keep working on dialogue. I have issues with it http://www.sffworld.com/ubb/wink.gif