View Full Version : Critique: Please review and Comment
December 1st, 2005, 08:15 AM
I am in the process of rewritting my story series entitled, the Galactic Warfare the Limera Conflict. I hope to include images that I have made with Ricky, a friend, and improve the length and depth of the story. I have 5 pages of material so far, and hope to expand that.
Here is the original chapter.
Here is the revised edition.
Please let me know the general level of improvement, and any improvement I can make to make the series better.
December 2nd, 2005, 05:49 AM
First I want to qualify my comments by saying that I’ve written professionally and for fun for close to 15 years. Fantasy/Sci-Fi writing is a hobby but writing well transcends genres. So, please take the comments as a tool from just this one person. I’ve read some of this story several times and would not have taken the time to make these comments if I didn’t think you had the talent to expand upon. So…,
In space, all is silent. – nice, short and to the point. Neither the destruction of planets nor the death of a million lives makes a sound. – I understand the point but when a planet explodes are you certain it makes no sound or - Even in the destruction of planets and millions of lives, the most horrific sounds get swallowed in its stillness.
The cold darkness of it all creeps in the souls of those that dare cross the void. Their hearts freeze and their minds become lost in the shadows. – This paints a nice picture but are there shadows in the dark? And the word all will almost always not include everyone when all is said and done. You have to watch the use of certain words.
In the great distances between the life giving stars, death abounds. Those who enter this chasm of silence and nothingness often lose themselves, leaving behind the very thing that gives them life. – When making this kind of statement – what then is the thing that gives them life? At this point the language is getting too flowery. It seems you are pressing to express yourself. The sentences flow nice but they don’t make a lot of sense when questioning some of them.
Through this abyss of darkness, a ship glided upon the winds of unseen energies. – generally I’m not a fan of this “unseen energies.” It flew through the chasm between the stars with a force and will unseen anywhere else. Also the use of the same descriptive word in back to back sentences is something I’m not a fan of either.
The jaws of the fangs instinctively opened revealing weapons of untold power. – Fangs don’t have jaws – they are in jaws or part of the jaw.
Their sharp wicked claws scratched the hull of the ship as they walked, leaving deep groves in metal forged in stars. – First I imagine the word is stairs not stars or is it stars and the sentence is not constructed correctly - then - metal forged from stars. Secondly, this must be a really thick hulled ship that is constantly in repair – so my next question is, what do they use for a control panel? I’d rethink the description here.
Fangs of incredible length and width lined their jaws, showcasing the diet of the beasts. What is the incredible length? Are they a ¼ of their body size – show me.
You certainly have a passion for writing and it is very evident. Keep working it because you can sense the passion beyond the mistakes. The thing with writing that often happens is, that in our minds we see the images play out. You have to express that to the reader because the reader can’t fill in a lot of those gaps. For example – Fangs of incredible length – you know how long they are because you’ve imagined it and can see it – as a reader I’m not sure what that is. After reading the first page, there were several of these kinds of points and loose ends – the thing that gives them life – the unseen energies. Show, Show, Show don’t tell tell tell.
Keep going at it. I actually hesitated in writing this because people generally don’t like being critiqued if it isn’t – wow, that was great write more. I’ll say – there is a good template here, you have passion, keep writing, keep working it and ask yourself questions about your sentences that you can answer – never assume.
December 2nd, 2005, 11:48 AM
Good, an answer. I am happy to see your comments and improve upon them. I will take your words, and use them to better myself. I will work to improve them and try to make the images more understandable. By the way, tell me if the fat of my age means something. I am eighteen, and have practiced writing for ohhh say two years now. This concept is only 5-6 months old and the old version isnt that old, just say 3 months. I intend to rewirite it with more depth and feeling, and hopefylly to expand upon it. I also have sme 40 images that I and my friend Ricky am working for this story. i just got to get another printer with scanner. I didnt go into such detail because I thought the images would help make an impression, but I understand what you mean with that concept. For more information, images, and etc... contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org my aim is thomasdpelletier. My name also happens to be Thomas d Pelletier. lol. I dont like being imagintive when it comes to my screenname. I'd like to talk with you further and more indepth.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Thomas d Pelletier
p.s. I am going to read some of my writing aloud at an open mike night at my school as well as developing a nice powerpoint for it. I hope it goes well
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